They Met as Adults and Now They’re Making Out Like Adults… There’s Just One Problem

I’m a person. My reluctance to reveal any other information about my identity will become clear shortly. Years ago I found out I have an opposite-sex half sibling. We recently met and quickly bonded. We went from speaking on the phone to spending time with each other. The problem now is that we’re obsessively attracted to one another. We began holding hands and then cuddling. But recently things have progressed to make-out sessions that leave me feeling highly conflicted. I feel in many ways that I have found my “soulmate,” as ridiculous as that sounds.

I’m right there with you. I know how this looks. I’ve read the requisite articles about GSA (Genetic Sexual Attraction) but the science seems touch-and-go at best. I know you strongly believe the incest taboo needs to stay in place for society as a whole to not be totally gross. I fully agree. The thought of sleeping with any of the family members I grew up around makes me want to bash my own skull into bits.

My question is: how do I get over this and cultivate a normal relationship with my half-sibling? I’m deeply ashamed of how I feel, but I feel known and understood by someone for the first time in years. It’s confusing. Please, please help.

Deeply Ashamed

I recently discussed GSA in a column. (There’s a website about GSA with more information and anonymous discussion boards here.) That said, DA, I’m curious if you’re familiar with the Westermarck Effect (WE):

The Westermarck effect, also known as reverse sexual imprinting, is a psychological hypothesis that people who live in close domestic proximity during the first few years of their lives become desensitized to sexual attraction. This hypothesis was first proposed by Finnish anthropologist Edvard Westermarck in his book The History of Human Marriage (1891) as one explanation for the incest taboo. The existence of the Westermarck effect has achieved some empirical support. Observations interpreted as evidence for the Westermarck effect have since been made in many places and cultures, including in the Israeli kibbutz system, and the Chinese Shim-pua marriage customs, as well as in biologically-related families.

Even if evidence for GSA is scant, DA, there’s solid evidence to support WE. The combo of the two would explain why you found yourself attracted to you half-sibling while even the thought of being sexual with one of your actual family members makes you want to bash your brains out. — Dan

I have read about the Westermarck Effect. I get that it’s a thing, but I also haven’t run across any good advice for how to cope with or compensate for its absence in a relationship where two family members meet as adults. Any thoughts? — DA

I’m not sure what to tell you other than, “Stay away from them,” which is so obvious it has to have occurred to you already. Your other options are to 1. keep seeing them and try to keep your hands off each other—which you most likely will fail at—or 2. can give in to your attraction to your half-sibling and then A. do everything in your power to keep it on the down low or B. go public and let the chips (and the pieces of your other family members’ skulls) fall where they may.

Ultimately, DA, the relationship is consensual and you’re adults. But seeing as this relationship would be highly squicky for others to contemplate… and seeing as there would definitely be social, familial, and potentially professional consequences for you if others were forced to contemplate it… you’ll wanna avoid putting anyone else in the position of ever having to contemplate it. In other words, you may have to live like gay couples did decades ago: keep your love secret. That’ll be harder if this obsessive thing turns into something more lasting (and here’s hoping it doesn’t). But if this turns out to be, you know, just one of those crazy things—the kind of crazy thing that’s over and done quickly—that’ll be easier to keep secret.

And while I’m a supporter of the incest taboo (for all the reasons philosopher John Corvino cites here)… you do know that incest is a hugely popular porn genre and one of the top search terms on all porn sites? Clearly what you’re feeling isn’t inconceivable to many. (Sorry—didn’t mean to raise conception even as a concept. You obviously want to avoid that at all costs.) And did you see A Simple Favor? One of the major plot points is an affair that Ann Kendrick’s character (Stephanie) has with her biological half-brother. Kendrick is the lead, she’s the hero, and she gets the guy in the end—some other guy, not her half-brother, who dies tragically in a car wreck. So they’re punished for their forbidden love… just like gay and lesbian couples were in films for decades. (I don’t make this comparison because I think incestuous relationships should be normalized and/or tolerated in the way same-sex relationships are today. I only bring up all those gay couples who kept their relationships secret from their families… well, to let you know it’s possible to keep a relationship secret, I guess. It’s hugely stressful and not always successful (see: every cheater or closet case who ever got caught), but it is possible. — Dan

“Stay away” has definitely occurred to me. I obviously don’t want to, but I might have to if we can’t figure this out. I really just wish we could just have a normal relationship like regular siblings. That might not be possible. We haven’t had sex, and I’ve made it pretty clear that I’m drawing the line there. I have a pretty terrible poker face so I’m a little concerned that someone will put the pieces together anyway. I guess that’s the risk I’m running. And, yes, definitely squicky. Very, very squicky. It squicks me out. Not as much as it should, clearly, since all I can think about is chewing their clothes off, but enough to get me to the point where I wrote you in the first place.

And I know it’s a “thing” culturally. Who wasn’t secretly a little titillated by Game of Thrones? But I’ve gotten the impression that it’s more about the idea of the taboo/fantasy and less about people actually being turned on by their actual family members. (I hadn’t heard of A Simple Favor but I’ll definitely check it out.)

The conception joke actually made me laugh. So thanks for that. — DA

You’re welcome. And, yes, the go-to defense for all the incest porn out there is that people aren’t actually fantasizing about their actual family members. The problem with meeting close biological relatives in adulthood, of course, is that… in the absence of the Westermarck Effect… this person you’ve only just met doesn’t feel—to your junk, to your reptile brain—like a family member at all.

Oh, you might also want to check out the last season of Veep. Good luck. — Dan