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I've gotten myself into a little mess. I had a few threesomes with two close friends with the impression that a loving triad was a possibility. Apparently it's not—but that's not the problem. It just means this will be a short-lived fling rather than the relationship I wanted. The problem is that they have herpes. They're on suppressing meds and haven't had an outbreak in more than a year. Also, their first outbreaks were extremely mild. I get tested for STIs relatively, but I've never been tested for herpes. I've never had an outbreak and strongly believe that the stigma is worse than the reality. If partners ask what I've been tested for, I'll tell them I haven't been tested for herpes and why not (the stigma worse than the reality), but otherwise I let people make their own assumptions and choices. Is it ethically wrong for me to continue doing that since I now know for sure that I've been with people with herpes? It's so common that there's no way I haven't been exposed before as a sexually active 30-something, but knowing makes it a little different.

Suddenly Unsure Regarding Ethics

Take it away, Planned Parenthood:

Herpes is a super-common infection that stays in your body for life. More than half of Americans have oral herpes, and about 1 out of 6 Americans has genital herpes.... There’s no cure for herpes, but medication can ease your symptoms and lower your chances of giving the virus to other people. And the good news is, outbreaks usually become less frequent over time, and even though herpes can sometimes be uncomfortable and painful, it’s not dangerous.

Exposure ≠ infection, first and foremost. And anyone who's kissed more than two people has been exposed to oral herpes, SURE, and anyone who's slept with more than six people—or slept with someone who has slept with more than six people—has, statistically and technically speaking, been exposed to genital herpes. I don't see why you should have to disclose something all sexually-active adults should assume to be true, get over, and get comfortable with: we've all been exposed to herpes.

If you used condoms with this couple, SURE, that plus the meds they're on—which significantly cut their odds of infecting others—means it's highly unlikely this "exposure" resulted in an infection. And for all you know, SURE, you may already have been infected with herpes by a previous partner who didn't know they had herpes; most adults who have herpes don't know they have it because they've never had an outbreak or their first and only outbreak was so mild they didn't notice it. (This is not to discount or minimize the suffering of those whose first outbreaks are severe and painful.)

I fucked my way through the darkest days of the HIV/AIDS crisis, SURE, and people who were infected with HIV HIV-positive were expected to disclose to their sex partners and/or take steps to protect their partners and themselves. (No one with a compromised immune system wanted to contract another STI.) But those of us who were (or believed ourselves to be) HIV-negative operated under the assumption that everyone we slept with had also slept with guys who were HIV-positive, whether they knew it at the time or not, which meant we'd all been "exposed" to HIV. We made that assumption because 1. it was a reasonable one and 2. we were adults—sexually-active, non-idiotic gay adults.

Similarly, SURE, you aren't obligated to disclose something all sexually-active adults, regardless of sexual orientation, should assume to be true about their new sex partners and themselves: everyone has been exposed to herpes.

Speaking Planned Parenthood... the news isn't good. Make a donation today if you can.


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