I was raised in a religious home and didnât lose my virginity until the embarrassing age of 26. I was told by the church to save it for marriage and I was a virgin until met the woman who would become my wife at a party. I said to hell with it, we had a one-night stand, and weâve been together now for eight years. Iâm tall and slim and my wife is short and heavy. Like an idiot I believed itâs whatâs on the inside that matters. My wife is the sweetest, most thoughtful person Iâve ever met, I love spending time with her, but I have absolutely no sexual attraction to her. As a result, Iâve all but stopped initiating sex and on the rare occasion when we do make love I make her come twice while Iâm struggling just to get off.
I know itâs...
Want to read the rest and get in on the comments? Subscribe now to get every question, every week, the complete Savage Love archives, access to comments, special events, and much more!
I was raised in a religious home and didnât lose my virginity until the embarrassing age of 26. I was told by the church to save it for marriage and I was a virgin until met the woman who would become my wife at a party. I said to hell with it, we had a one-night stand, and weâve been together now for eight years. Iâm tall and slim and my wife is short and heavy. Like an idiot I believed itâs whatâs on the inside that matters.  My wife is the sweetest, most thoughtful person Iâve ever met, I love spending time with her, but I have absolutely no sexual attraction to her. As a result, Iâve all but stopped initiating sex and on the rare occasion when we do make love I make her come twice while Iâm struggling just to get off.
I know itâs shallow and I know beauty is only skin deep but what am I supposed to do when seeing my wife naked sends me into an anxiety attack? When Iâm helping out with laundry, I get bummed because thereâs nothing in her wardrobe I find attractive on her. Even when I look at old pictures of us together I get extremely depressed because I know this is the best sheâs ever going to look. It doesnât help that she finds me handsome and regularly tells me so.
Itâs gotten to the point where I find any woman who isnât my wife desirable. (Including, but not limited to, her family and friends.) I should also mention that she has no interest in having an open relationship or threesome because she prefers having me âall to herself.â I donât want to ask her to change because sheâs perfectly happy with herself but Iâm becoming increasingly resentful. What do I do? How do I tell her? And is there any way I can come out of this a good husband?
In The Shallows
I was so relieved to get all the way to end of your letter without learning you had kids. Because that means I can advise youâwith a clear conscienceâto file for divorce and move the fuck out just as soon as itâs possible to do so. Not for your own sake, ITS, but for your wifeâs sake. She deserves better.
You say youâre growing increasingly resentful. I hope your resentment is directed at all of the people who victimized you. Your wife isnât one of them. Itâs your parents you should resent, ITS, as well as all the sex-phobic bullshit artists out there masquerading as âfaith leaders.â
You should be angry with yourself too. While I know from personal experience how a religious upbringing can put the zap on a kidâs head, you were a grown-ass man when you met your wife at that party. You couldnât have slept with her that nightâyou couldnât have lost your virginity in a one-night standâif you hadnât already rejected nearly everything youâd been taught about sex. If you were capable of having premarital sex, you were capable of refraining from marrying the first person you slept with.
Your wife is gonna want to know why youâre leaving herâof course she isâbut youâre not going to tell her the real reason. Youâre going to make something up. You want kids and she doesnât (or vice-versa), you married too young (which is true), you have unresolved childhood issues (and donât we all). While you wonât be able to spare your wife the pain of a breakup, ITS, you can spare her the pain of learning the person sheâs been sleeping with for eight years is repulsed by her body. You canât be a good husband to her, ITS, but you can be decent ex-husband. And to do thatâto be her decent and loving and supportive exâyou canât set her self-esteem on fire on your way out the door.
And your wifeâs body isnât repulsive. Sheâs not someone youâre attracted to, ITS, and youâre not obligated to find short and round women sexually appealing. But while âtall and slimâ are more closely associated with conventional concepts of attractiveness, ITS, not everyoneâs into tall and slim. There are people who are into short and round and people out there who are attracted to all body types and people who are are utterly indifferent to bodies. Your wife deserves the chance to find someone whoâs sincerely attracted to her. Even being alone would be better than spending decades with someone who recoils from her touch.
For the record: Whatâs on the inside does count. It matters. If you met a woman who was more conventionally attractiveâif you were with someone who was your idea of hotâand over time she revealed herself to be an asshole (if she was rude to waiters, if she was emotionally abusive, if she was a Trump supporter, etc.), your attraction to her would wither away. What you wantânot what youâll get, ITS, but the best you can hope forâis some combo of hot on the outside (subjective and personal) and good on the inside. And the longer youâre with someone, ITS, the more important good on the inside becomes. Time is a motherfucking meat grinder and it makes hamburger out of us all. If you prioritize youâre idea of hot over all other qualities, you run the very real risk of spending decades with a person who has aged out of hot and was never nice.
Long time reader asking for advice. Iâm a med student, I came to the US when I was 18 in order to go to college, and Iâm still in the US. Iâm 25 now and Iâve been dating my boyfriend for about three years now. Weâre somewhat monogamous and been living together for two years. Iâm out as a gay man where we live but my parents and family back in Brazil have zero idea. As you may know, Brazil has a weird relationship with sexuality. Weâre seen and for the most part are very open but our culture is also very homophobic. My BF has been pressuring me to come out but Iâve been apprehensive considering how important family is to me.
Fears A Massive Implosion Likely, YetâŚ
Gay men don't come out to our families because theyâre unimportant to us. We come out to our families because they are important to us.
Family is important to you and youâre worried you might lose yours if you come out to them. But youâre definitely gonna lose them if you donât. Because to keep your life a secret from themâto hide your boyfriend from themâyouâre going to have to cut them out of your life. It'll be little things at first, FAM, but over time the amount of things you have to keep from them grows. Lies pile up on top of lies and the distance between you and your family grows. Before you know it, they donât know you at all anymore and you donât know them. Because you canât risk letting them know you. So to avoid their possible rejection, you will have rejected them. You will have lost your family. I know, I know: Itâs scary. I came out to my very Catholic family when I was a teenager. I was scared to death. But if they couldnât accept me for who I amâif I couldnât rely on their love and supportâwhat was the point of having them in my life at all?
P.S. No one likes being someoneâs dirty little secret. It hurts your boyfriend to see the person who claims to love him prioritize his familyâs presumed bigotry (itâs possible theyâll react more positively than you think) over his feelings and dignity. By not coming out, FAM, you will lose the family you were born into and the one youâve created with your boyfriend too.
Follow Dan on Twitter @fakedansavage
This pandemic just keeps getting sexier and sexier! Who's up for some Strip Ping-Pong? Listen in at www.savagelovecast.com