1. Queer boy in an open relationship with a silly question. I’ve started seeing someone recently. They’re cute and I enjoy their company, but they use a lot of cologne and it’s hurting my desire to be physical with them. I don’t know this person well and our trajectory is towards a friends-with-benefits sort of situation at best, so I’m not sure what I owe them here. Should I say something or back away?
Asking someone to use less cologne is like asking someone to use less cocaine: they’re going to take offense, deny using too much, and accuse you of being the one with a problem. So, unless this person is someone you’re hoping to get serious about — and it doesn’t sound like they are — it’s not worth it.
2. I need a girl in my life.
Good luck with...
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1. Queer boy in an open relationship with a silly question. I’ve started seeing someone recently. They’re cute and I enjoy their company, but they use a lot of cologne and it’s hurting my desire to be physical with them. I don’t know this person well and our trajectory is towards a friends-with-benefits sort of situation at best, so I’m not sure what I owe them here. Should I say something or back away?
Asking someone to use less cologne is like asking someone to use less cocaine: they’re going to take offense, deny using too much, and accuse you of being the one with a problem. So, unless this person is someone you’re hoping to get serious about — and it doesn’t sound like they are — it’s not worth it.
2. I need a girl in my life.
Good luck with that.
3. Is it unethical to preemptively block people on Grindr who I know I would never consider fucking?
A man gets on Grindr because he’s looking for dick and/or ass right now — and if your dick and/or ass isn’t available to him, blocking him is a courtesy, as it frees up room on his grid for guys whose dicks and/or asses are available.
4. What book do you recommend for someone just beginning to explore the Dom/sub relationship?
I would recommend Playing Well with Others by Lee Harrington and Mollena Williams, both volumes of The Funny Dom’s Guide to Kink by The Funny Dom, and Dossie Easton and Janet Hardy’s The New Topping Book and The New Bottoming Book. You could also follow — and learn a lot from — Lina “Ask a Sub” Dune, who hosts a podcast and writes a newsletter (where you can find her terrific advice columns), and Alesandra of Dom/Sub Living, who blogs, memes, and teaches courses on Dom/sub relationships.
5. I am a (mostly? formerly?) straight man in a blue city in Texas. Six years ago, I got Peyronie’s disease, which contributed to the dissolution of my marriage. It has been rough — xaiflex treatments, a hematoma that only three percent get, an ER visit, delays — but I finally got surgery and a month later was cleared for sexual activity. But since that day my sexuality and kinks have been changing every day. One day Latinas, one day short girls, one day girls into impact play. Then a 5’1” femboy messaged me on Reddit about being my sub. So, where do I find these short and feminine adult boys that are into Daddies? I feel like I can finally be honest about my want and need without shame now.
You can meet plenty of people who claim to be 5’1” femboys on the Internet — they’re all over Reddit and hookup apps (you can even find them fixing cars on Instagram and making swords on Twitter) — and while some of the femboys on Reddit and hookup apps are probably 6’2” masculine dudes or 5’2” cis women who won’t want to meet up with you in real life, some are who they claim to be and will be willing to meet up with a hot daddy.
6. I “safeworded” out of a kink scene and my Dom pouted for two days. Is that a red flag?
Doms who pout when subs use safewords want their subs to hesitate to use safewords in future scenes — which is a definite red flag. Basically, any Dom who doesn’t respond to a safeword with an immediate cessation of the scene, an expression of genuine concern, and an offer of ice cream isn’t a Dom you want to see again.
7. I have always been aroused by the idea of watching two men make love to each other. Not porn fucking, but two men who adore each other. I don’t necessarily need to be invited to join, but it would be pretty amazing. How should I safely ask for this? (I am queer AFAB.) How can I find a couple to date in this fantasy? Life is short, and I’d like to live it.
Seeing as the ultimate version of your fantasy involves being invited to join in — be honest: you wanna watch for a while, then wind up under those boys — you should seek out bisexual guys who are into each other and into you.
8. My boyfriend’s ultimate fantasy is “forced bi,” which is literally the only kind of porn he masturbates to. I feel like a hypocrite because I’m a bisexual woman who isn’t attracted to bisexual men at all and I don’t want to “make” my boyfriend give some guy a blowjob. Am I a hypocrite? Are we doomed?
You (singular) are, you (plural) are.
9. How do you fuck like you have a dick if you don’t have a dick — like, how did lesbians do it before the strap?
Dildos go way back — tens of thousands of years — and I imagine lesbians were improvising “straps” long before “the strap,” i.e. dildo harnesses, became commercially available in the early 1990s. Also, oral and digital stimulation aren’t sad consolation prizes for lesbians, but actual sex that lesbians actually enjoy — which means lesbians have always been able to do it, with and without straps.
10. How do I navigate having a kink life while also having a public-facing career?
After seeing that Glenn Greenwald tape this weekend… maybe resist the urge to document the atrocities?
11. What does a CNM/poly relationship look like when you’re older or truly elderly?
It looks like doctor appointments crowding out play parties on your shared Google calendar.
12. Is it still called pegging if I use my fingers instead of a strap-on?
Putting your finger in someone already has a name — can you guess what it is?
13. Is it safe to suck someone’s dick after it’s been in my hole?
Depends on the thoroughness of your douching, the general state of your health, the robustness of your immune system, and how soon you’re going to be kissing your mother with that mouth.
14. I got on Ozempic a year ago and lost a bunch of weight. Men who weren’t attracted to me at my old weight are suddenly attracted to the new and much lighter version of me. I had crushes on some of these guys and, if I’m going to be honest, the whole point of getting on Ozempic was to make myself more attractive. But I resent these guys so much for rejecting me fifty pounds ago (!) that I can’t bring myself to date them now. What do I do?
Meet some new men — men who didn’t know you (and reject you) when you were at your heaviest, and fuck those guys instead.
15. Playing with a guy into SPH — small penis humiliation — and I’m game. But his dick isn’t small. It’s big. Objectively speaking, it’s huge and, as dicks go, it’s beautiful. What am I supposed to say to a guy into SPH whose dick is bigger than mine?
Whatever he wants to hear.
16. My wife and I just started exploring prostate play. I used to do some of it via the perineum during solo masturbation, but asked my wife if she would participate. She enthusiastically said yes. I’ve found pleasure in perianal and perineal play during oral, but the couple times we’ve attempted penetration (single finger, lube used, fully consented), it’s been meh. It hasn’t been painful or uncomfortable, just not what I’ve read about. Are there any tips and tricks to making it more effective? At what point do I just chalk it up to “not for me”?
I know guys who love dicks, dildos, and plugs but hate fingers. The only way to find out if you’re one of those guys is to experiment with girthier things. It’s counterintuitive, I realize, because “start small” is good advice where anal play is concerned, but something thicker than a finger — something less bony than a finger — might not just feel better inside you, but also do a better job of hitting your prostate. So, before you decide anal penetration isn’t for you, try again with something that intimidates you a little. Go slow, use lots of lube, remember to breathe — and flared bases!
17. Audra vs. Patti — choose your fighter.
I’m not going to choose, as I love both equally. (As performers; I don’t know either personally.) But I will say this: just as we need age limits for Members of Congress and Supreme Court justices, we need age limits for New Yorker profiles.
18. Who makes the best bougie condoms that smell/taste good and are still just as effective?
No one has ever managed to create a condom, bougie or otherwise, that tasted better than dick — and they’ve tried. But who knows? There could be someone out there right now working on a Tom-Holland-flavored condom.
19. What’s the best way to deal with your own jealousy?
By remembering that jealousy isn’t a character failing — so long you’re not weaponizing jealousy to control and/or terrorize your partner, jealousy is a normal human emotion, and one we all experience. Sometimes we can work through feelings of jealousy on our own (sometimes we talk ourselves off the ledge), but at other times we need our partners to reassure us.
20. I’m a woman who’s new to sending nudes. What do straight guys want when it comes to sexy pics?
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