Zone Police

Can you expand on your “zone of erotic autonomy” concept? It has been a big help to me in my relationship, but I’m wondering where the autonomous zone’s boundaries are. My partner is a major porn and masturbation enthusiast, and over the years, it has caused a lot of friction — the good kind for him, the bad kind for me. We have come close to breaking up over things like:

1. Messaging content creators. He took this way too far, with ongoing one-on-one conversations, video chats, picture exchanges, etc., that were basically an online affair.

2. Jerking off to pictures of people we know, including my close friends.

3. Most recently, exploring AI porn creation — and he’s combined this with the above-mentioned pictures of people we know.

4. Frequency of masturbation interfering with the quantity and quality of our sex life.

On the one hand, I agree with you that he has a right to erotic autonomy. What he does with his body is his business, and people are entitled to have their private, depraved fantasies without being thought-policed and controlled. On the other hand, some of this stuff is gross to the point of being immoral, and it makes me lose respect for him and not trust his judgment. And it spills over into affecting me and our sex life. This is basically the only thing we fight about, and it feels like once we resolve one issue, a new one pops up. So, can you say more about where you think this zone begins and ends? Is thought policing someone’s jerking off ever justified? Is a happy middle ground possible with someone like my partner?

Reluctant Thought Police Officer

Private thoughts, fantasies, and desires fall within the zone of erotic autonomy. We don’t get to police the private thoughts, fantasies, or desires of our partners, RTPO, and we shouldn’t put up with partners who attempt to police our own private thoughts, etc. People who’ve made monogamous commitments should honor those commitments, of course, but fantasizing about/masturbating about other people falls within the zone of erotic autonomy. Turn-ons are personal and kinks are hard-wired; so long as our partners don’t force us to participate in their kinks — and so long as their kinks don’t extinguish our attraction to them — their turn-ons and kinks fall within the zone of erotic autonomy.

1. Content creators are real people, and erotic interactions with real people — even online — fall (just) outside the zone of erotic autonomy. He’s not indulging a private fantasy; he’s engaging with another living, breathing, charging-by-the-hour human being. If that’s not okay with you for emotional or financial reasons, you have every right to say something.

2. People have been fantasizing about their partner’s friends, coworkers, and siblings for as long as people have had partners with friends, coworkers, and siblings. In olden times, a person would close their eyes and picture the person they wished they were fucking — in addition to their partner or instead of their partner — and their partner would never find out. Now, dumb people save pictures of their partner’s friends, coworkers, etc., in files on their laptops or scatter likes all over their sister-in-law’s thirst traps, and their partners inevitably find out. If your boyfriend was capable of hiding this behavior from you — if he wasn’t a dumb person — it would fall within the zone of erotic autonomy. If he can’t, it doesn’t.

3. Ugh. Your boyfriend is allowed to fantasize about whoever he wants to fantasize about… but creating AI porn clips and leaving them somewhere his girlfriend can find them (or telling his girlfriend about them) is unforgivably inconsiderate. And if he’s not smart enough to hide these clips from you, he’s not smart enough to keep them on secure device in an encrypted file that no one else will ever see. Outside the zone.

4. If your partner is spending all his time — and all his erotic energy — masturbating to AI-generated porn clips featuring your friends, coworkers, and siblings, his fantasies and porn creation/consumption habits are negatively impacting your sex life, your relationship, and your ego, and this behavior falls outside his zone of erotic autonomy.

Policing the thoughts, fantasies, and desires of other people is not okay — it’s also not possible — but your partner’s private thoughts and fantasies aren’t private if you’re constantly confronted with evidence of them. I don’t know whether your boyfriend is leaving evidence where you can’t avoid finding it or if you’re actively searching for it, RTPO, but you won’t be able to make this work if he can’t be discreet and/or you can’t resist the urge to search his laptop and his phone.

P.S. If he’s doing that thing some awful people do… if he’s going out of his way to rub your nose in the porn he’s watching/creating to make you feel bad about yourself… he’s not just an inconsiderate clod with no self-control that you have no choice but to police, he’s cruel piece of shit that you have to cut out of your life.

A friend just got engaged. Her boyfriend told her that he wanted to have a threesome at some point in his life and wouldn’t marry her if she didn’t want to have one with him someday. He didn’t insist on having one right away. It doesn’t even have to happen before the wedding. He just wants to have one at some point in his life. It’s his ultimate fantasy. My friend told him she would “absolutely” have a threesome with him (she used the word “absolutely”) but only after they were married. But she told me she never intends to have a threesome with him. She said she plans on dragging things out after the wedding until he gives up and stops asking. It’s weird that he made agreeing to a threesome a condition to propose (which seems coercive), but it’s equally weird that she would pretend to agree to his terms (which seems deceptive). While I don’t think he should be making demands like this, I also don’t think she should be marrying him under false pretenses. This seems like a recipe for disaster. I’m not sure what, if anything, I am supposed to do about this.

My Friend’s Marriage

I’ve gotten letters from people (mostly men) over the years whose spouses (mostly women) agreed to have a certain sexual adventure — or agreed to maintain a certain level of sexual adventurousness — before the wedding only to back out after. While some Backer Outers were sincere when they promised to have that one threesome or keep attending all those sex parties, some Backer Outers were telling their partners what their partners wanted to hear at the time (“I’m down for a threesome sometime!”) to get their partners to tell them what they wanted to hear at the time (“Will you marry me?”).

Someone who lies about their willingness to have a threesome is not only betting their spouse will give up and stop asking someday, MFM, they’re also betting their spouse won’t be pissed — because, hey, it’s “just sex” and family is more important and blah blah blah. It’s a bad bet. If someone asks for a threesome before they’ll agree to marry you, they obviously don’t think a threesome is trivial. So, while your friend’s husband may not leave her once he realizes she lied — because family is more important and divorce is a huge pain in the ass — he’s definitely gonna be pissed. Even if they wind up staying together, your friend is foolishly upping the chances that her marriage will be an unhappy one.

P.S. Some Backer Outers were sincere when they agreed to that one threesome and/or keep attending all those sex parties. The arrival of kids, for instance, has a way of making even the most adventurous people — sexually or otherwise — more risk-averse (and rightly so); a sexual adventure that sounded hot, fun, and reasonable before becoming a parent may not seem (or be) reasonable after. Which is why I always recommend that couples have their first threesome before the wedding.

P.S. Just got an email from a married straight couple who had their first threesome — two months ago — on their honeymoon. Congrats to the newlyweds/newlythirds!

I’m a middle-aged poly woman, and until recently, I was dating a poly guy. Lots of people think poly people can’t cheat buuuuut, early on, this guy disclosed to me that he told his wife he would always use condoms with other people. I now know that he doesn’t always do that. I mean we had been using condoms, and then after a night where he pressured me repeatedly to go raw with him, he made this confession. Esther Perel says that if you cheat, you should stop, and it’s not necessary to tell your partner — indeed, it can be a bit of an act of love not to tell your partner. But this feels different, as it represents more than ten years of lying to his wife about his sexual health and the risk he’s exposing her to. I kind of want to tell his wife and others in the ENM community where we live. That said, I don’t want to destroy his family, his kids, and his life. I still have some level of compassion for all involved. What’s the ethical thing to do here? What would you do?

Seriously Torn Inside

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