Quickies

1. Is Donald Trump a gay man? I can’t think of anything that screams “closeted gay” louder than building a golden ballroom.

Donald Trump has been married to three different women (two of whom were immigrants), he’s been credibly accused of sexual harassment and assault by dozens of women, and he was found liable — by a jury of his peers — for sexually abusing E. Jean Carroll. I don’t care if his golden ballroom has a line of gilded slings, Goldschläger in the lube dispensers, and waiters running around in gold lamé Rocky shorts, that man is not one of mine.

2. You’ve talked about how urine is sterile but also switched to calling it “mostly” sterile. Is it safe to use in a neti pot?

Sterile is binary — something either is or isn’t sterile (sterile is not a spectrum!) — so it wouldn’t be accurate to describe urine as “mostly sterile.” My bad. That said, urine does have fewer bacteria than a lot of other things we ingest, from Costco hot dogs to the spit/junk/butts of hot strangers. But seeing as it isn’t safe to use tap water in a neti pot — at least not in Florida — it’s probably not a great idea to use urine in one.

3. How do I convince people to actually NOT buy me gifts for Christmas?!? I just want time with them!

Let people enjoy things — and some people really enjoy getting other people gifts, even (or especially) people who’ve asked them not to get them gifts.

4. New partner wants to explore Shabari. I’m down, but it feels like a huge undertaking in terms of learning. There are a ton of resources out there, but I have no idea what sites are good. Any recommendations?

“Learning from other experienced ropers in person is invaluable, and some kind of formal rope instruction is available in most big cities,” said RopesSweatAndTears, an incredibly talented gay Latine roper based in Seattle. If you don’t live in a city where you can find in-person classes, RSAT recommends the book Tie Me Up: The Complete Guide to Bondage by Stephen Niederwieser and online bondage tutorials from The Duchy and Shibari Study. “Like with any new skill, rope bondage takes practice, persistence, and patience,” said RSAT. “Start with basic and simple ties, and gradually increase complexity as your skill grows.”

RopesSweatAndTears is the co-founder of RopeLab Seattle. Follow him on Instagram @Ropes.Sweat.And.Tears.

5. Is it true that all non-asexual shy women are subs sexually? I like the idea of dating a cute shy woman, but for reasons of my own, I wouldn’t want to be a Dom. Also: Am I the only non-asexual person in the world who is not interested in domination and submission?

It’s not true that all “non-asexual” women — shy or otherwise — are sexually submissive. And I don’t know how you got the impression that you’re the only “non-asexual person” in the world who prefers vanilla sex, but you can rest assured that your majoritarian preferences are shared by the majority.

6. I have severe ED. It doesn’t move. Messy divorce ten years ago. Haven’t gotten hard since. I’m broke. Tried Viagra. Tried Cialis. Nothing. Please help.

If you can pinpoint an inciting incident — you haven’t gotten hard since your divorce — it’s therapy you need, not meds. Still, you might want to ask your doctor about TriMix.

7. I’ve read awful stories about people recently dressing up as Nazis. The prankster in me wants to throw drag balls and parody the shit out of Nazi outfits. What do you think? I confess, I’m a het woman so I don’t know how the LGBTQ community would react.

While I have never claimed to speak for the LGBT community, in this case I’m going to make an exception: The entire community would react with anger if a straight lady — even a well-intentioned straight lady — started throwing Nazi-themed drag balls.

8. Do gay dads do it better? Or best?

Gay dads — good gay dads — do their best, same as good straight dads, bi dads, pan dads, ace dads, omni dads, etc., etc., etc.

9. Can you please coin a phrase or term as a dog whistle that would make it possible for kinky people to identify other kinky people in vanilla spaces?

Sexual minorities once had dog whistles: secret handshakes, code words, tell-tale accessories (colored hankies, green carnations, rings of keys), even entire languages. But if modern kinksters were to come up with a code word or phrase today, some asshole would jump on social media to do an “explainer” tomorrow, the New York Times would have a trend piece out the day after tomorrow, and the day after that non-kinksters would be using the word or phrase ironically.

P.S. Day collars, to take one example, were not a secret that kept.

P.P.S. There’s no such thing as a vanilla space. There are only spaces — there are only rooms full of people — where the vanilla and kinky alike are adhering to site-/event-specific social norms that discourage sexual displays and/or the telegraphing of sexual interests. Everyone is assumed to be vanilla, which works out fine for vanilla people, as the default assumption is accurate. And while some kinky people complain about being erased by the “vanilla assumption,” there is something to be said for hidden depths. Kinky secrets really are the best secrets.

10. Any cock ring brands for big dicks? Something for a six-inch circumference? I’m at my wit’s end here.

There are adjustable cock rings out there — but if you want something solid, why not commission something from a metalworker? Anyone who makes custom piercing jewelry (or custom cock cages) would be happy to make a custom cock ring. It’ll be pricey, of course, but time is money, and it sounds like you’ve wasted a lot of time already on your search for a cock ring that fits.

11. What’s the best way to not be creepy when asking for sex?

Depends on who you’re asking. If you’re asking someone you’re already fucking — if you’re asking an established/regular/cohabitating sex partner — there’s nothing creepy about asking directly. If you’re asking someone you aren’t already fucking, an accurate reading of the room and/or vibe (which requires you to control for dickful thinking) can keep the ask from coming across as creepy. If you’re asking someone you shouldn’t be fucking under any circumstances — your therapist or your mom or your parole officer — the ask will never not be creepy.

12. What are your ideas for hosting a play party for the first time?

Everything I needed to know about hosting play parties I learned by reading The Sex Party Handbook: Your Ultimate Guide to the World of Orgies, Sex Clubs and More (and How to Host Your Own) by Ali Bushell.

P.S. Ali Bushell shared his tips for hosting sex parties on Episode 890 of the Savage Lovecast.

13. Can you give head after having a tooth removed? I have to get a right lower molar removed and I’m supposed to let that spot “stay empty” for three months until I can get a goddam expensive tooth implant! How long do I have to wait after the tooth is removed before performing fellatio? Can’t ask my actual dentist this, so turning to you.

I took your question straight to the top: Dr. Darren Cox is a professor in the department of oral and maxillofacial surgery at the University of the Pacific School of Dentistry. Dr. Cox is also the president-elect of the American Academy of Oral and Maxillofacial Pathology.

“This question has to be answered on the basis of wound healing and preserving a clot in the socket the extracted tooth occupied,” said Dr. Cox. “Any aggressive motion should be avoided after the extraction, so as not to dislodge the clot. No spitting, smoking or sucking through a straw. No gargling or swishing. Dry socket — which is when the clot dislodges and exposes the bone — is really painful. Light licking or passing into the mouth should not dislodge the clot after a week. Gentle ‘sucking,’ without really SUCKING, should be ok after that. Or they can just wait!”

14. Can you trust someone not to cheat when they’ve cheated 100+ times in the past.

The question isn’t whether you can — you absolutely can — but whether you should.

P.S. It’s better to assume you’ll be cheated on and pleasantly surprised when you’re not than to convince yourself you’ll never be cheated on and completely devastated when you are.

15. I love gay erotica, but I want to find erotic porn. Even porn that has the stupidest “storyline,” like the first porn video I bought at Tower Records: “Don’t Kiss Me! I’m Straight!,” a classic I got on VHS. Porn “content” that starts with two guys naked and immediately going at it is boring. Will I be stuck re-watching porn from the late 80s?

The porn you’re searching for — modern gay porn with interesting plots, emotional stakes, great dicks, great performances, and great direction — can be found at Himeros TV.

16. Why don’t I have a male G-spot in my ass? Bottoming is fine for me but there are no magical feelings.

Prostate glands are like tits — some are wired, some are not. It looks like yours is not.

17. You’ve often said there is no perfect “one” for any of us, just a .75 that we have to round up to “one.” My wife and I were high school sweethearts. After 20 years, she was my .80. After 30 years, she was .85. After 40 years, she was my .90. And when she passed after 47 years together, she was my perfect 1 and she will remain so until we meet again. I’m sure there are others who have been as lucky.

I’m so sorry for your loss but so inspired by your math. Not everyone has your luck, but everyone deserves it.

18. Why do I have this one ex that — no matter how much time passes — still calls me after a breakup? We keep hooking up (they have a lot of failed relationships), but they have no interest in getting back together. It’s confusing.

You have this one ex that calls you after a breakup because you fuck this one ex whenever they call. Stop fucking this one ex when they call and — I promise you — this one ex will stop calling.

19. I’m a cis lady who wants to learn more about throatgasms from deepthroating. I heard an interview with a sex expert about it, but haven’t had much luck finding more info about having an orgasm in your throat from giving head. Can you enlighten me?

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