My partner is still in love with her ex. For ten years she believed him to be the love of her life. It’s been two years since they split and there’s no possibility of them getting back together because he betrayed her in the most despicable possible way. It was the kind of betrayal that sends most people to jail. That’s all I’ll say about it. She insists the betrayal was a symptom of his “illness,” so in some form she makes excuses for him and what he did. Such was the love she had for him. She’s told me that I make her feel the same way he did, but we’ve only been together for a few months. So, our relationship doesn’t have the same depth, and our connection can’t be compared. The issue is this: whenever we share a moment that is similar to something they once shared...
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My partner is still in love with her ex. For ten years she believed him to be the love of her life. It’s been two years since they split and there’s no possibility of them getting back together because he betrayed her in the most despicable possible way. It was the kind of betrayal that sends most people to jail. That’s all I’ll say about it. She insists the betrayal was a symptom of his “illness,” so in some form she makes excuses for him and what he did. Such was the love she had for him. She’s told me that I make her feel the same way he did, but we’ve only been together for a few months. So, our relationship doesn’t have the same depth, and our connection can’t be compared. The issue is this: whenever we share a moment that is similar to something they once shared — a holiday moment or an inside joke or us having sex — she is triggered into overwhelming grief. This is causing me to feel insecure about our future. We’ve had a few tough talks about what it means for us. She seems to want to find exactly what she had with him but in a new person. Are we doomed? I want to help her with this.
Girlfriend’s Really Intense Emotional Fragility
If she can’t buy a tree with you, share a joke with you, or have sex with you (!) without collapsing into grief about her ex, she isn’t ready to be anyone’s “partner.” She’s not ready for a new boyfriend. This woman isn’t in good working order, GRIEF, and you can’t help her.
Zooming out for a second: Using “partner” to describe someone you just started seeing is a bad idea. Take GRIEF: he’s only been seeing his new girlfriend for a few months. Technically, GRIEF and his girlfriend are still in the getting-to-know-you phase of this relationship. And here’s what he knows that he didn’t three months ago: his new girlfriend is not only still in love with her ex, but she’s prone to making excuses (out loud, to her new boyfriend) for the crime or crimes her ex-boyfriend committed. GRIEF’s girlfriend needs a therapist, not a boyfriend, and GRIEF should’ve walked away two months ago. But walking away doesn’t feel right about — a good partner wouldn’t abandon her — and so he stays.
Back to you, GRIEF: Ending this relationship is the kindest thing you can do — and you should be honest about why you’re ending things. This isn’t a circumstance that calls for the good, old, ego-sparing it’s-not-you-it’s-me little white lie. It is her. We don’t have to be 100% over our exes before we start fucking and/or dating other people, but it doesn’t sound like this woman is even 0.01% over her ex. Again, if your girlfriend can’t drink eggnog or suck dick without bursting into tears about her ex-boyfriend, she doesn’t need a new boyfriend. She needs a shrink.
So, be kind, but be direct: “You’re clearly not over your ex, and it worries me that you’re willing to make excuses for what he did. I don’t think having a boyfriend right now is good for you — and being your boyfriend right now isn’t good for me.”
My friend came out as a transgender male when he was eighteen. That was six years ago. He recently shared with me that as he was growing up, he shamed himself for being attracted to men. When he came out as trans, he was dating a cis woman but had questions about the genuineness of his attraction to her. Today, at almost 24, he’s in a polyamorous relationship with a non-binary person. He has been out there exploring his sexuality and recently had a fantastic sexual experience with a gay man. Now, he’s feeling shame about enjoying it so much, and at the same time wondering if he’s really attracted to his “main squeeze” in his poly relationship because he’s never felt that kind of sexual energy with them. He loves his primary partner but he’s struggling to answer the question of whether he’s sexually attracted to them. His primary partner wants their primary to be sexually attracted to them. Do you have any insight into this? This cisgender heterosexual is at a loss. He’s such a wonderful honest young man and has struggled so much to find his true self as a transgender man. Now that he has found great trans pride, the sexual identity has become really confusing.
Tough Realization About Needing Sex
If your friend has to ask himself whether he’s sexually attracted to his main squeeze… he’s not. And if your friend has always been attracted to men… but only gave himself permission to fuck a man for the first time recently (call it the Heated Rivalry effect)… and if fucking that man worked for him in ways that sex with his past and current partners never did… your friend isn’t confused. He’s gay.
So, what we have here is a painful situation, TRANS, but not a confusing one. Your friend’s primary partner doesn’t want to be with someone who doesn’t find them sexually attractive — which is perfectly reasonable — and your friend doesn’t find his primary partner sexually attractive. I’m going to hazard a guess: like the cis woman your friend was dating when he came out as trans, TRANS, your friend’s current non-binary partner was assigned female at birth. If my hunch is correct, it seems clear that your friend isn’t into cis women or non-binary AFAB persons. He’s into men, he’s always been into men, and he needs to stop dicking his current partner around (figuratively) and start dicking other dudes around (literally).
If this guy were my friend, TRANS, I would implore him not to drag this out. If he’s not sexually attracted to his current partner now because they’re not a man and/or biologically male, he’s not gonna be sexually attracted to them two years from now. Stupid monogamous people sometimes end relationships they shouldn’t — stupid monogamous people sometimes end relationships they would be better off opening up — but stupid polyamorous people do something arguably worse: they don’t end relationships they should. Breaking up with people is hard, TRANS, and some poly people choose to avoid the pain because, unlike monogamous people, we don’t have to end the relationship we’re in before finding someone new. But staying with someone when you know you can’t meet their emotional and sexual needs isn’t kind. It’s cowardly and selfish, TRANS, and in your friend’s case, it comes pretty close to being a consent violation.
Straight married guy in his mid-forties here. Somewhat recently, my wife has become a squirter. As she describes it, for many years she would sort of have this feeling that she needed to pee (I know, I know) and she would hold back from full relaxation during sex. But when she finally got comfortable enough to let go, squirting was the result. It seems to be pleasurable for her, and I want her to experience pleasure and feel good. But it kind of grosses me out. Not from a perspective of “Yuck, bodily fluids!” (we all have them, sometimes they don’t go where they’re supposed to, I get it) but that literally wind up completely soaked every time we have sex. She’s also soaked, the bed is wet, our skeets/pads quickly get cold, and it’s just an unattractive feeling for me personally. But I do not ever want to say anything about this and risk making her feel self-conscious. Any suggestions for how I might get myself past it in the moment? Other than diving out of the way, which sometimes isn’t practical or may tip her off!Â
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