My husband and I (cis male and cis female) never had much sexual chemistry. In the beginning he said not to worry, we have a lot of time, and it could only get better. But nothing has changed. When I express my frustration with the lack of sex usually after going months without an orgasm or any sexual activity, he blames me and says he needs me to initiate more. When I try to initiate, he says I’m being too aggressive or not romantic enough or acting too entitled. I’m always doing too little or asking too much. When he was working, he claimed his physical job made him too tired for sex. So, I let him quit his job. I pay all the bills, I give him spending money, and I thought at least now we’ll have more sex. But all he wants to do is smoke pot and sleep. When we do have sex (once every three months or so), he only lasts a minute and puts no effort into my pleasure. It’s vanilla and boring, and then he acts like since he’s satisfied, I should be too. Why should I have to initiate something that has nothing to do with my own pleasure? I’m very open with him about wanting to try bondage, role-play, and different positions and all I get in return is laziness. If there’s a word for so horny that you’re angry then that’s where I’m at. I didn’t sign up for life-long celibacy when we got married. He has no physical issue with getting an erection, he’s just putting in no effort and I don’t know what to do. He bragged before we married about studying tantra and training under a Dominatrix. At first I thought “cool,” but now I think those ladies probably had to do all the work. He’s good-looking, so he doesn’t try hard in bed. I’m tired of feeling unfulfilled and frustrated. I’ve tried talking to him. I even floated the idea of an open marriage only to get shot down. It seems that as women get more established as breadwinners a lot of us are stuck with unfulfilling sex lives supporting men who act like this. I crave sexual fulfillment. I know he loves me, so what are my options? I’m not a cheater.
Sexually Neglected And Pissed
“I’m going to be just as blunt — blunter — than those things SNAP’s husband puts in his mouth,” said Lyz Lenz, the author of This American Ex-Wife. “SNAP says that she knows her husband loves her, but this is a person who has never been interested in her pleasure or fulfillment. He gets what he needs from SNAP: money, sex, a home, sleep, and pot. And he does not care about her needs at all. SNAP let him quit his entire job just to rest up enough to have sex and the problem only got worse. And the way SNAP’s husband shot down the idea of an open marriage shows that he truly isn’t interested in hearing or understanding her frustrations at all.”
This American Ex-Wife is a memoir — a memoir that landed on The New York Times bestseller list — about Lenz’s decision to divorce her husband of twelve years. Lenz argues that contrary to stereotypes about divorced women leading sad and lonely lives, women who divorce men who can’t or won’t meet their sexual and/or emotional and/or logistical needs — aka men who don’t do their fair share of the household labor — are actually happier after divorce.
“Marriage is supposed to be a partnership,” said Lenz. “But this man is a barnacle. SNAP needs to ask herself why she keeps him around. Does she actually love him and cherish his company? Or is it just inertia? Is she just afraid to let him go? These are all questions she needs to answer for herself, because he is not going to help her out, not in the bed and definitely not as a life partner.”
Lenz thinks you should tell your husband to get a fucking job, SNAP, and then — whether your husband gets a fucking job or not — you should get yourself a lawyer (to divorce the motherfucker) and a therapist (to figure out why you put up with this motherfucking bullshit for so long).
“SNAP has one wild and precious life,” said Lenz, “and she should not spend it angry and horny trapped next to a man who doesn’t care about her pleasure at all.”
Not only should you “get this man out of your house and out of your bed,” as Lenz told me, you need to resolve — with the help of that therapist — not to make the mistake of marrying another man like him. Scratch that: don’t make the mistake of fucking a man who doesn’t meet your needs more than once. If sex is important to you, SNAP, and the sex is bad, hand him his pants and show him the door.
“I remember once dating a man who was very attractive, smart, and interesting,” said Lenz. “On the third date, we had sex, which was very perfunctory and boring. When I pointed out that I hadn’t had an orgasm, he shrugged and said, ‘That’s your problem.’ I asked him to leave my house. When he asked why, I told him, ‘If you don’t care about this one little thing, which is fun and sexy, then I don’t trust that you’ll care about me at all in any other way.’”
P.S. You knew that divorce was the only answer, right?
P.P.S. You say you’re not a cheater — so, don’t cheat. Leave.
Lyz Lenz is the bestselling author of This American Ex-Wife: How I Ended My Marriage and Started My Life. You can find (and subscribe!) to her newsletter “Men Yell At Me” here. And for all things Lyz Lenz, visit her website www.lyzlenz.com.
I’m a bisexual woman in a long-term relationship who has run into some monogamish trouble. I have a bit of flexibility in my marriage, but it is limited, and I consider myself naturally not very monogamous. But I love my husband very much and monogamy was the price of admission. I have a good friend with whom I’ve always had a flirty, open dynamic. A month ago, we went to a new place in our dynamic: we spent a few days together while my partner was away on a business trip, which ramped up the flirtiness, and the ramping up culminated in him spanking me over his knee and a lot of dirty talk and then cuddling afterwards. I feel like a louse, but I also feel confused about what to do. I want my friend so much but I also don’t want to mess up our friendship. Still, I can’t stop thinking about him and I am now wondering if we would have a better relationship than the one I have with my husband, as my friend, like me, leans more in the non-monogamous direction. I don’t want to lose my husband or for my friend’s girlfriend to find out or to lose my friend. Do I just wait this out and hope the infatuation fades? Should I burn down my life and save my husband from future (secret) deceit? Help!
Secretly Play And Naughty Kinks
Zooming out for a second: I’ve advised straight couples to define sex broadly (so they’ll have lots of sex) while defining cheating narrowly (so they’ll be less likely to cheat). Defining sex as more than PIV requires men — at least the straight ones — to regard mutual masturbation and mutual oral not as consolation prizes, but as sex. A lot of my male readers get it, because my male readers are special boys, but for new male readers and/or male readers who haven’t gotten it yet: If your ass got fucked every time you said yes to sex — if you were the one getting penetrated every time you said yes — you wouldn’t say yes every time you were asked. (I realize you and your husband aren’t a straight couple, SPANK, as you’re bisexual. But you are an opposite-sex couple, and this advice applies to opposite-sex couples as well.)
That said, SPANK, it sure sounds like your definition of cheating — cheating as you and your husband defined it together — would include getting spanked, engaging in dirty talk, and cuddling other men. (What does the “bit of flexibility” you claim to enjoy actually allow you to do with other people? Darts?) But whether that spanking/talking/cuddling session constituted cheating or not… and it sure sounds like it did… the problem isn’t the spanking, et al, but the crush it kicked into high gear. Crushes have a way of making us crazy, SPANK, but a crush can be especially destabilizing for a married person. Because while a crush is just a crush for a single person, for a married person a crush is a window into an alternate timeline where you’re no longer with the imperfect person who farts in front of you but with the perfect person who will never, ever fart in front of you, not even once.
Instead of burning your life down for the guy who spanked you behind your husband’s back — a guy would inevitably start farting in front of you if you were to run off with him — stay the fuck away from him and give this crush some time to fade. Once it has, you might want to revisit that conversation with your husband about what constitutes cheating in your marriage. If spankings from other men were allowed — if you enjoyed a little more flexibility — you wouldn’t have to burn down your marriage to get your next one.
P.S. If this guy leaves his girlfriend for you, she’ll find out. If your husband finds out and leaves you, you could wind up alone. Just because you’re fantasizing about a life with this guy doesn’t mean he’s fantasizing about a life with you.
After a few years of first getting acquainted with the world of queer hookup apps, and now considering myself much more adept when looking for casual fun, yet too often I find myself engaging with a certain personality that I don’t understand. I have encountered this type on many different apps, and both my spouse and I have experienced this, at home and when traveling. I will find someone intriguing, we discuss our interests, desires, and what kind of encounters or relationships we are looking for on whatever platform we might be on. As a trans woman who has undergone bottom surgery, I am very up front about the fact that I am looking to bottom and that I have no interest in topping cis men in any encounter that we arrange. They will then tell me all about how they will top me and how eager they are to give me the pounding I need. But everything flips when we actually meet. Suddenly these cis men want me to top them. So, my question is, why do so many guys on hookup apps talk a big game about being tops but seek a submissive or bottom role when the meet occurs?
Curious Queer
Want to read the rest? Subscribe now to get every question, every week, the complete Savage Love archives, special events, and much more!
Already Subscribed? Log in here.
Got problems? Yes, you do! Email your question for the column to mailbox@savage.love!
Or record your question for the Savage Lovecast at savage.love/askdan!
Podcasts, columns and more at Savage.Love