The return of Richard Sherman (here trying to tackle former teammate Doug Baldwin): anticlimactic.
The return of Richard Sherman as a 49er (left, trying to tackle former teammate Doug Baldwin) was rather anticlimactic. Otto Greule Jr / Getty Images Sport

The strangest thing about Pete Carroll’s nine-year tenure as head coach of the Seattle Seahawks is that every season he has managed to put up a score that is unprecedented in the history of the NFL. This phenomenon—coined as Scorigami by SB Nation writer Jon Bois—is rare; at this point there have been a lot of different weird scores put together by NFL teams at some point in league history. To manage a Scorigami every year is wild; perhaps it speaks to Pete Carroll’s defensive philosophy, but more likely it’s just a crazy fluke. Even more astonishing: the Seahawks are 9-0 in these games. That’s right—for nine straight seasons, the Seahawks have conjured a new NFL result, and won in the process. That’s awesome. Some people don’t care about this type of stat. They’re wrong. Dumb stats are the only good stats. Have some goddamn fun and enjoy the Seahawks winning weird games.

And so they did on Sunday, when the return of Richard Sherman was overshadowed by an explosive Seahawks performance that left the 49ers beaten by an unprecedented 43-16 margin. This Seahawks team, nearly unrecognizable from past seasons, continues to overachieve. If they can win three of their next four games, they’ll make the playoffs. Even winning two may well be enough. What wildness! What fun! Let’s. Break. It. Down!

The Richard Sherman Revenge Game was a bit of a bust. He was targeted once on a play where Doug Baldwin broke a tackle for a big gain, but otherwise he did his “shut down half the field thing” and the Seahawks responded by wisely staying the fuck away. They even split out hybrid tackle/tight end George Fant, the backup to Duane Brown, so as to get Sherman covering a virtual non-threat. The rest of the San Francisco secondary is not good, which made Russell Wilson’s life easy. On 17 throws, he hit for four touchdowns, a ratio that is, technically speaking, dope as hell. After one of those touchdowns the Seahawks reenacted one of Sherman’s most iconic moments.

Was this taunting or homage? Is this some new form of homaunting? Tauntmage? Whatever it is, I love it.

Speaking of not good secondaries: the Seattle Seahawks’ secondary is not good! Nick Mullens, who is either an NFL quarterback or the actor who plays one of the ensigns on FOX’s The Orville (watching Seahawks games exposes me to FAR TOO MUCH Seth Macfarlane) managed to drop 414 yards on a group of players currently unworthy of a cool nickname like “Legion of Boom.” Shaquem Griffin and Tre Flowers both missed big tackles and the safety trio of Delano Hill, Tedric Thompson, and Bradley McDougald got straight roasted by former Huskies standout Dante Pettis. It’s a bummer that McDougald hasn’t been the unstoppable force that Earl Thomas was, but he’s still fine. Hill and Thompson? Less fine. Both have failed to excel in the secondary safety role. Since Earl Thomas went down, the Seahawks have simply been giving up too many explosive plays, and they either need to bring Earl back next year, or go out and find a real answer at the safety position. Pete Carroll’s wizardry can conjure up cornerbacks and strong safeties out of thin air, but aside from Earl (who was an absolutely elite prospect coming out of college) his magic has not applied to any other free safeties that have been on the Seahawks roster.

You know who is good, though? Bobby Fucking Wagner. Wagner had a 98-yard interception return for a touchdown (the longest play in Seahawks history). He also had a sack, a forced fumble, and a fumble recovery. He is the first Seahawks player to do all those things in one game, ever. He also had 12 tackles, and has yet to miss a tackle on the season. He also makes sure to quote tweet all of Alexandra Ocasio-Cortez’s sickest burns with four fire emojis (that last one may not be true). Bobby Wagner is perfect, and we should all aspire to be more like Bobby Wagner.

Also good? Russell Wilson. Wilson is now up to fifth in the league in passer rating. We saw a return of explosive Russ on Sunday, as he turned very few chances into a whole lot of yards and scores. He also continued to not turn the ball over at all. The Seahawks would not have won nearly so comfortably if they had not managed another game without turnovers. Also they got three turnovers from the 49ers. It was cool. I feel like I’ve stopped talking about Russ. It was good when he hit Jaron Brown a whole bunch. I don’t know, Russell Wilson is good. It’s not like anyone would say otherwise? (Note: Richard Sherman said otherwise).

Let’s stick on turnovers: one of the coolest things about the very cool Michael Dickson—who, by the way, is the NFC’s reigning Special Teams Player of the Month—is that he can spin his punts in a variety of ways. This makes them very difficult to catch. He managed to force some fumbles this way both in college and the preseason, but he had yet to trick a returner in the regular season as a Seahawk. Well, that all changed on Sunday when he boomed a spinner to rookie Richie James, who muffed it, leaving Neiko Thorpe a prime opportunity to flip the field. Dickson is a weapon in so many ways, I hadn’t really minded that he hadn’t forced a muff yet. Now? I’m fully satisfied in the Michael Dickson Experience.

So this was basically a week off. But next Monday? The Seahawks have a big ol’ game against fellow wild card contender Minnesota Vikings. You may remember Minnesota from Blair Walsh missing kicks against the Seahawks in the playoffs, or for being a state somewhere in the midwest with a star-crossed football team. Hopefully when they come to Seattle, the Seahawks continue their dominance in primetime home games. If so? Playoffs. If not? Probably still playoffs, but with a lot more weirdness.