[NOTE FROM HUMPY: Guys! I'm on vacation this week, but check out this column from 2010, filled with archaic pop culture references that the youth of today won't understand at all. Enjoy!]
I'm gonna come right out and say it: I'M SICK OF ZOMBIES! I know zombies are supposed to be the "new" vampires—but I'm not sick of old vampires yet! Actually, that's not true: I am sick of pasty-faced vampires and their weak-kneed, lip-biting human girlfriends, but I'm totally psyched about Native American shirtless werewolves with smokin' hot abs. (Team Jacob 4-EVAH!) [NOTE: That's a Twilight reference. —2014 Humpy]
But stop distracting me! I'm talking about zombies—and how they're the monster equivalent of Amy Winehouse (both zombies and Amy Winehouse are played out, look like shit, and devour human flesh). [NOTE: Amy Winehouse died of a drug overdose less than a year after I wrote this, which now makes me look like a complete dick. —2014 Humpy] Anyway, because people never take my word on anything, here are three significant reasons why zombies are stank:
1. No abs. Name one zombie with six-pack abs. You can't. (And don't say "The Situation" because he's not officially dead yet.) [NOTE: "The Situation" was a cast member of a reality show called Jersey Shore, which was about... oh, YOU DON'T CARE! —2014 Humpy] Anyway, even if zombies did have abs, they'd probably slide right off their stomachs. GROSS!
2. Zombies drag ass! Let's say you're trapped in a shopping mall and, oh, look: Here comes a zombie—arms outstretched, head cocked to the side, and dragging a broken, festering leg. OH! BETTER RUN! (Right after I try on this tank top from Forever 21.) [NOTE: Does Forever 21 still exist? It does? Then by all means, continue. —2014 Humpy]
3. Zombies are overly infatuated with eating brains. BRAINS! BRAINS! BRAINS! Shut up about brains, already! How about testicles? What about those? They're right here! Just dangling between my legs! Ready to pop into your mouth! And you don't even have to break through a skull to get them!
Jesus stinking Pete. Idiot zombies.
And yet? The world looooves zombies, and you can't swing a severed arm without hitting some new book, movie, or TV show based around the undead. Okay, that's not exactly true: There are many upcoming zombie TV shows—but there's only one Glee! Does that make any sense to you? [NOTE: No, it doesn't. —2014 Humpy]
Anyway, starting next week there's AMC's The Walking Dead, based on the graphic novels by Robert Kirkman, which will probably be... okay, pretty awesome. It tells the story of a sheriff who awakens from a coma to discover (god damn it!) there's been a zombie apocalypse! Leading a band of survivors, the sheriff searches for a new home, while fending off gut-chompers and trying to maintain his sanity. Kind of like Battlestar Galactica—without spaceships and with rotting flesh. [NOTE: Man... I really miss Battlestar Galactica. —2014 Humpy]
Which reminds me, that's another thing I hate about zombies: They smell like anus. Is it gonna kill them to apply some Lady Speed Stick? [NOTE: Lady Speed Stick is a brand of deodorant. Have a nice day. —2014 Humpy]
WEDNESDAY, OCTOBER 15
8:00 CW ARROW
Another archer shows up in town and tries to steal Oliver’s ass-puncturing business!
10:00 FX AMERICAN HORROR STORY: FREAK SHOW
A strongman visits the show—and he just happens to be the bearded lady’s ex-boyfriend! (Awwwwkward!)
THURSDAY, OCTOBER 16
9:00 FOX GRACEPOINT
After being brought in for questioning, Mark is immediately exposed as a lying LIAR.
9:00 CW REIGN
Teen Mary Queen of Scots tries to quell a revolution using social media (nailing a letter on a tree).
FRIDAY, OCTOBER 17
10:00 MAX THE KNICK
Season finale! Dr. Thackery gets increasingly paranoid. (Hmmm… better shoot up some more opium!)
SATURDAY, OCTOBER 18
11:30 TOON BLACK DYNAMITE
Season premiere! The return of this animated blaxploitation comedy about the smooth soul brother with a kung fu grip!
SUNDAY, OCTOBER 19
8:00 FOX THE SIMPSONS
It’s the latest edition of “Treehouse of Horror,” featuring a parody of A Clockwork Orange!
9:00 AMC THE WALKING DEAD
Rick and the gang go to great lengths to supply the zombies with a Lady Speed Stick.
MONDAY, OCTOBER 20
8:00 FOX GOTHAM
Gordon and Bullock discover a new street drug that causes euphoria and then death. (I smell a Joker!)
9:00 FOX SLEEPY HOLLOW
A woman appears from Ichabod’s past, but wouldn’t you know it? She’s a goddamn ZOMBIE.
TUESDAY, OCTOBER 21
8:00 CW THE FLASH
What really happened during the particle accelerator explosion is the subject of this Flashback. (GET IT?!?)
9:00 ABC AGENTS OF SHIELD
Friday Night Lights ’ Adrianne Palicki stars as a hot HYDRA agent turned hot good guy!
Shamble behind me on Twitter. @WmSteveHumphrey