MONDAY, DECEMBER 22 The week begins with a story that would have been shockingly controversial had any major American news source dared to report it. Published in yesterday's edition of Britain's Sunday Express, the story featured the testimony of "an unnamed Western intelligence source in the Middle East," who revealed that the U.S.'s celebrated capture of Saddam Hussein was only made possible by Kurdish rebels, who reportedly apprehended and drugged the ousted Iraqi despot before stuffing him in a hole for E-Z discovery by U.S. troops. "Saddam was not captured as a result of any American or British intelligence," said today's Ian Doe, identified only as "a senior British military intelligence officer" who claims that Saddam came into the hands of the Kurdish Patriotic Front after being betrayed to the group by a member of the al-Jabour tribe, whose daughter had been raped by Saddam's son Uday, leading to a blood feud. The high-drama deal reportedly earned the Kurdish rebels some political advantage in their region, and definitely earned President Bush some political advantage in his--but why the American media blackout? Did U.S. media dismiss the story as a limey urban legend? Or are such political omissions the obvious byproduct of the most terrifying administration in this nation's history? Whoever has a lucid answer, please write lastdays@thestranger.com.


TUESDAY DECEMBER 23
As U.S. Department of Agriculture Secretary Ann Veneman identified the first case of mad cow disease in the United States today, Last Days identified the funniest letter of complaint in the entire world. The mad cow came from a farm near Mabton, Washington, and was found after its meat was sent to two Oregon processing plants. The hilarious letter came from Jane Kellner of Hamburg, NY, and was found in a copy of TV Guide lying in a Virginia Mason waiting room. The cow was a four-and-a-half-year-old Holstein that was sent to the slaughter after becoming paralyzed as a result of calving. The letter was entitled "Will & Gross" and read as follows: "While I've been appalled at the language on TV, Will & Grace finally caused me to turn off a program. Karen's 'milk, milk, lemonade, around the corner fudge is made' line while pointing to her breasts, crotch, and rear left me absolutely stunned. The writers, actors and NBC should be ashamed." Upon finding the slaughtered mad cow, federal and state authorities quarantined one of the stricken cow's calves along with 400 other animals at a bull calf feeding operation in Sunnyside, Washington. Upon finding the letter, Last Days praised God for Jane Kellner, who, despite her failure to provide the context of Karen's line (which was delivered to a physician and prefaced by the question, "True or not true?"), composed a letter that was exactly as entertaining as Washington's mad cow was horrifying.


WEDNESDAY, DECEMBER 24
Speaking of horror: Today brings a tragic Hot Tip from Last Days' friend Chela, who was innocently bystanding near Westlake Center this afternoon when she witnessed a woman--"Caucasian, middle-aged, with dark wavy hair," says Chela--jump from the top of the Nordstrom parking garage, hit the electrified Metro power lines, and fall to the ground, where she was quickly surrounded by gawkers, concerned citizens, and eventually medical professionals, at whose appearance Chela boarded a bus and chugged away from the scene. "I have no idea if she lived or died," says Chela. In the coming days, the local press will reveal nothing of the plunge, so we can only hope the plunger miraculously survived. But if anyone knows anything for sure, let us know.

--Speaking of stunning spectacles: Driving home from Dina Martina's lovely Christmas Eve show tonight at Re-bar, Last Days was confronted by the saddest Christmas spectacle this side of an electrocuted woman: a topless, deeply middle-aged hooker strolling near the intersection of 20th Avenue South and South Jackson Street, with her large, weathered breasts fully exposed beneath an unzipped windbreaker. Fa la la la la, la la la la.


THURSDAY, DECEMBER 25 Today was Christmas, and to celebrate, Reuters gave readers a morbidly heartwarming story of a reputed mobster behaving exactly like an actual mobster. According to New York police, Louis Barone, an alleged Luchese crime family associate, was enjoying Broadway chanteuse Rena Strober's performance of "Don't Rain on My Parade" at the East Harlem restaurant Rao's on Monday night when he overheard a fellow patron criticize Strober's performance. When the 67-year-old Barone instructed the critic--37-year-old Albert Circelli--to watch his mouth, Circelli responded with a curse, after which Barone allegedly pulled out a . 38 caliber revolver and shot Circelli in the back. Upon being rushed to a hospital, Albert Circelli was pronounced dead from his gunshot wounds. Upon being brought before a Manhattan criminal court, Louis Barone was charged with second-degree murder.

--Meanwhile, for those who prefer a white Christmas: Today the Seattle Post-Intelligencer reported Seattle's second death-by-ass-saving-cocaine-consumption of 2003. Months before Desseria B. Whitmore's tragic death in October--when the 52-year-old Bank of America executive attempted to swallow a bag of cocaine at Sea-Tac International Airport--there was the death of Jason L. Tucker, the Auburn man arrested for a domestic dispute back on August 23, only to suffer seizures in his holding cell before being rushed to Harborview Medical Center, where he had more seizures and died. An autopsy found a plastic bag in Tucker's digestive tract, toxicology tests confirmed high levels of cocaine in Tucker's blood, and the King County Medical Examiner's Office determined that Tucker's death was the result of a baggie of cocaine that ruptured in his stomach. Auburn police believe Tucker swallowed the baggie when he saw officers approaching, though no officers witnessed any actual swallowing. Moral: Don't swallow baggies of cocaine. (But if you must, don't be surprised if you die.)


FRIDAY, DECEMBER 26 Speaking of potentially mortal surprises: Today brought the one-week anniversary of the United States' hot new orange terror-level alert. And while the week saw a wealth of tragedies--including the bomb blasts and mortar attack that killed four American soldiers in Iraq, the suicide bombing that killed four people in Tel Aviv, and the earthquake that killed 28,000 people in Iran--there was a blessed dearth of terror-related malice on U.S. soil. (However, mudslides killed at least seven people in California.)


SATURDAY, DECEMBER 27
Nothing happened today, unless you count the birthdays of celebrity bacteriologist Louis Pasteur (1822), KISS drummer Peter Criss (1947), and Law & Order cameo queen Tovah Feldshuh (1952).


SUNDAY, DECEMBER 28
Nothing happened today, unless you count the death-days of celebrated man of letters A. J. Liebling (1963), heavyweight champ Sonny Liston (1970), and the Jersey calf that lived 222 days with an artificial heart (1980).

Jesus, save us from bovine spongiform encephalopathy. Everyone else, send Hot Tips to lastdays@thestranger.com.