MONDAY, JULY 16 The week began with a heartbreaking tale of pot, police, and paranoia in Georgetown. That's where Hot Tipper Donna was relaxing in her apartment when she spotted a Seattle police car driving slowly by. "I looked out my window and saw the driver of the car looking straight at me," Donna says. Only after making eye contact with the cop did Donna notice that she was standing in front of her large, well-lit window with a smoking bong in her hand. Horrified, Donna yanked the blinds, then rushed about her apartment tossing her pot and various accoutrements into a plastic bucket. ("I never realized how many smoking devices I had until that moment," confesses Donna.) To her horror, when Donna peeked out again, the very same car was driving by. Certain of her imminent bust--her apartment searched, her permanent record irrevocably stained--a frantic Donna flushed her entire stash, only to discover that her would-be busting officer was actually tracking a hooker sauntering down the following block. "Yeah, it was sad," Donna says of her flushed booty. "But better safe than sorry."

TUESDAY, JULY 17 Speaking of drug-induced hallucinations: Today ABCNews.com reported the presence of a collection of strange lights in the night sky over Carteret, New Jersey this weekend. "I saw 16 golden-orange-colored lights," said Lt. Daniel Tarrant of the Carteret Police Department, which received at least 15 calls from eyewitnesses reporting the presence of the lights. Callers described how the golden-orange lights moved quietly across the sky before flickering and vanishing, one by one. As of yet, no explanation has been given; according to the Associated Press, the nearby Newark airport reported no unusual flight patterns, and a National Weather Service meteorologist could find nothing extraordinary in the weather. Were these tracking lights from a top-secret FBI hovercraft? Evidence of alien spies? Who knows? And while Last Days is loath to align ourselves with any breed of UFO conspiricist, the idea that human beings are the universe's most intelligent life form makes us think God is a sicker fuck than we ever feared.

WEDNESDAY, JULY 18 Speaking of sick fucks: Looks like the long-beleaguered wife of controversial rap genius Eminem is in hot water again. The Associated Press reports that Kimberly Mathers has been charged with drug possession, after leaving a bag containing a "white powdery substance" in the back of a police car where she had been questioned. (Way to go, Madame Snortypants!) The estranged Ms. Mathers is no stranger to ridiculous crimes: Currently she's on probation for driving a Jet Ski while drunk, and faces a charge for disturbing the peace in Warren, Michigan. Having spent countless hours enjoying songs in which the unfortunate Ms. Mathers is murdered, crammed in a car trunk, and sunk in a river by her husband and toddler daughter, Last Days wishes Kim the best of luck with her post-Eminem life.

THURSDAY, JULY 19 Speaking of brave ladies: In the wake of Monday's faux drug bust comes another thrilling story straight outta Georgetown. The lady in question is Kathryn, whose bravery was made apparent today as she single-handedly rid her neighborhood of a creepy, ho-seeking "john." It was around 11:30 a.m. when Kathryn saw a neighborhood prostitute being followed by a big black Taurus. Kathryn watched as the driver--"a wimpy, Walter Mitty-ish thing"--waved to the prostitute, who failed to acknowledge the wispy come-on. Undeterred, the man continued tracking his cracked-up object of desire, while Kathryn grabbed her camera and hit the road. After conspicuously following the Taurus for several blocks, Kathryn pulled over to the curb, motioning the Taurus to do the same. Kathryn then approached the car and informed the horny Walter Mitty that she'd photographed his license plate, and that maybe it wasn't the best idea to shop for prostitutes in her neighborhood. "Okay. Thanks," said the now-twitching john, who drove off without another peep. Cheers to Kathryn, jeers to the creepy freak looking for a blowjob from a crack whore at 11:30 on a Thursday morning.

>>Also: Eight of Seattle's 11 mayoral candidates gathered tonight at Mount Zion Baptist Church for a public forum on Seattle's housing woes. Unfortunately missing in action were both bonkers candidates: James C. Garrett, in jail for allegedly assaulting Mayor Paul Schell; and Charlie Chong, at home receiving a transmission from Mars. But those who showed did their best, wrangling with the dicey issue of housing--how to keep at least some of it cheap, and how to deal with those people sleeping in boxes until this shit gets figured out. The five candidates with nothing to lose (Schaber, Wood, Hegamin, Kennedy, Mailbot) came out swinging for rent control, while the three players (Schell, Sidran, Nickels) straddled predictable fences. Paul Schell reminded the audience that when he wasn't canceling New Year's Eve or leading the city into riots, he'd managed to double city spending on homelessness. Mark Sidran cited his record of "leadership" and "courage," then announced plans to make it easier to involuntarily commit the mentally ill. Greg Nickels vigorously denounced homelessness, but failed to outline any plan to alleviate the problem. Instead, Nickels was content to describe himself as "someone who can bring us together" to solve our problems. (A few more missed swings like this and you can add Nickels to the candidates with nothing to lose.)

FRIDAY, JULY 20 Today in King County Superior Court, 17-year-old Terrence Goodwin--the Seattle teen caught on videotape while stealing the wristwatch of a Mardi Gras beating victim--was sentenced to 18 months in prison. Judge Joan DuBuque's pointedly harsh punishment was based on what she contended was Goodwin's shameless exploitation of one victim's "extreme vulnerability." Yay for Judge Joan DuBuque.

SATURDAY, JULY 21 Those kooky Krauts! Today the Associated Press reported on the performance given this week in Berlin by the Austrian-born performance artist Wolfgang Flatz. Entitled Fleisch, the piece featured Flatz hanging naked from a crane, before throwing a bloody, headless bull out of a helicopter. Flatz said the performance was meant to inspire people to think about how they associate with nature. Last Days feels that Flatz more than accomplished his goal, and looks forward to the Seattle Rep's production of Fleisch, starring Barbara Dirickson.

SUNDAY, JULY 22 Today Last Days took a moment to sort through our growing heaps of reader mail. The complaint parade kicked off with a pair of readers (one charmingly exasperated female, one truly furious male) bitching us out for giving away the ending to the lousy summer flick A.I. Last Days would like to remind readers that our giving away of A.I.'s ending came only after we issued a "spoiler alert." This is a writer's way of ALERTING readers that he or she is about to SPOIL something. For example: Spoiler alert! In The Sixth Sense, Haley Joel Osment is friends with Bruce Willis--who's dead! Spoiler alert! In Pay It Forward, Haley Joel Osment is a lovable do-gooder--who gets knifed to death! And, spoiler alert! In A.I., Haley Joel Osment is a robot who winds up in the creepiest necro-Oedipal embrace in history.

P.S. "Rosebud" was a sled. Send Hot Tips to lastdays@thestranger.com.