The Seahawks Won Benito Bowl LX: They did it. On Sunday, for the second time in the franchise’s 50-year history, Seattle won the Super Bowl. They beat the New England Patriots 29-13 and got to have their redemption arc after losing to the Pats in 2015. Get ready for the parade downtown on Wednesday! Not a football fan? Hometown pride not enough for you? Let me offer you this: Thanks to the Seahawks, Trump had a bad day on Sunday. He wanted the Pats to win so badly. 

Benito Also Won the Benito Bowl: Thanks to Trump’s hissy fit about having a Spanish-language performer for the halftime show, Bad Bunny’s performance was always going to be political, and holy shit did he kill it. The entire performance was a love letter to Puerto Rico. The only English he spoke in the whole show was to say “God Bless America,” before listing all of the countries on the American continent. And when he appeared on stage with the Puerto Rican flag, it was the one with the light blue triangle—the independence flag. And on top of that, it was an impeccable performance. The set was a series of vignettes—including Benito giving a 5-year-old Latino boy his Grammy and an actual fucking wedding—and it was without a doubt the most lush, joyful performance I’ve seen on the Super Bowl stage. Watch it in full here.

Meanwhile, at the “All-American Halftime Show”: Because watching a Puerto Rican perform might make conservatives’ dicks fall off, TurningPointUSA hosted an “alternative” to the Super Bowl halftime show on YouTube. Apparently, about 2 million people streamed the pre-taped TPUSA fundraiser on YouTube, filling the live chat with American Flag emojis while Kid Rock, Brantley Gilbert, Lee Brice, and Gabby Barrett performed. Pete Hegseth threw a football. And that’s about all that happened. 

Ring Tries to Pup-Wash Surveillance: In their 30-second Super Bowl ad, Ring cameras highlighted “Search Party,” a way to trigger all of your neighbors’ cameras to look for a dog if it’s gone missing. Sweet, right? But the system could have just as easily been called “Manhunt.” As USA Today put it, it’s The Dark Night brought to life. “Indeed, the Ring camera technology that uses AI to track multiple cameras in a vicinity to locate a lost dog is basically the same function that Wayne used to hack people’s cell phones to create a high-frequency generator receiver to pin down the location for Gotham City’s Clown Prince of Crime.” 

Weather: Looks like the weather gods are smiling upon the Super Bowl parade. We’ll likely have some rain today, but Tuesday through Thursday should be sunny and in the 50s. 

Got a spare $5 mil? Bill Gates isn’t selling Xanadu 2.0 (his megamansion) in Medina, but he is shedding one of his bonus houses around it. For a man worth more than $100 billion, selling a multi-million-dollar house is sort of like selling books to a used book store for the rest of us. For the low, low price of $4.8 million, you can be Bill Gates’s neighbor. But considering how many times his name has shown up in the Epstein files (namely for trying to sneak STI medication to his wife after he caught something from “Russian girls”), that might be bringing the price down a couple mil. 

Speaking of Epstein and Microsoft Execs: It looks like Nathan Myhrvold, the chief tech officer for Microsoft from 1986 to 2000, did some time on Jeffrey’s island. He also emailed Epstein about how hard it is to “FedEx pussy,” and Epstein offered to “leave” a girl for Myhrvold at his lab. 

The DOJ’s Hiring: But no one wants the job. Chad Mizelle, a former chief of staff to US Attorney General Pam Bondi, posted on the porn site formerly known as Twitter that “if you are a lawyer, are interested in being an AUSA, and support President Trump and anti-crime agenda,” you should slide into his DMs. Once a coveted position for lawyers around the country, the application questionnaires now include questions like: “How would you help advance the president’s executive orders and policy priorities in this role?” And prioritizing loyalists has meant that they’re hiring shittier lawyers. I’m sure Nick Brown doesn’t mind.  

Two Million Souls: According to a recent study, after almost four years of fighting, the death toll in the Ukraine War is nearing 2 million. Two-thirds of those deaths are Russian, who lost about 35,000 troops a month in 2025. 

Here’s a Dystopian Headline for You: “Chatbots Make Terrible Doctors, Study Finds.” Apparently, ChatGPT and other LLMs could theoretically get into medical school, but diagnosing real humans is a whole other matter. Sometimes the chatbots generated information that was just wrong—fixating on elements of the patient’s descriptions that were irrelevant, providing a partial US phone number, or telling them to call the Australian emergency number. “In an extreme case, two users sent very similar messages describing symptoms of a subarachnoid hemorrhage but were given opposite advice,” the study’s authors wrote. “One user was told to lie down in a dark room, and the other user was given the correct recommendation to seek emergency care.” I know insurance is hell, but go to the doctor. 

Biiiiig Hug: It’s been an unusually warm winter, even in Spokane, so when a deer was spotted stranded on the ice on top of Loon Lake, it was never going to be an easy rescue. Firefighter Gavin Gallagher scooched out to the center of the ice, lassoed her neck, and bearhugged her to keep her secure while the folks on land reeled them in. Rudely, she didn’t say thank you. “She ran off as, as expected,” one of the rescuers said, “to do deer things.”

News We Didn’t Know We Needed: 404 Media published a roundup of studies about sex in space. Key lesson: Don’t make babies in space. 

Because there’s no such thing as too much Bad Bunny today: 

Hannah is The Stranger's Editor-in-Chief.