Savage Love Letter of the Day: I've Looked At Accidental Anal From Both Sides Now

Comments

1
Thank you, OUCH. I wrote in the regular column today saying that I've been there from the vagina-haver's experience and I don't think it's intentional or malicious.
2
Please tell me how short are the penises of men who have this problem, because I must make sure REPEATED accidental anal never happens to me. OUCH!

3
I've nothing to say to such a heteronormed subject, but +1 for the post title.
4
The "there is no accidental anal" people seem to believe that they know what goes on in other people's sex lives better than the people who are actually in them. Strange. It's like saying "I have never had a threesome, therefore no one has."

I've never experienced it, AFAIK, so I remain anal-agnostic, which I believe to be a much more sensible stance than assuming that nocutename, et al, are liars.
5
@3 Sure you do, have you ever experienced someone unexpectedly ramming it in without lots of foreplay, lube or a few gallons of booze to wash down several pot brownies?
6
Isn't "Accidental Anal" the title of Weird Al's "Undercover Angel" parody?
7
It happened to me and my wife once. We were both very drunk at the time and going at it with corresponding abandon. We weren't doing it missionary--it was "doggy style" (ugh, is there a better name for that position, BTW?). I'm of average endowment (six inches). She said "ow" and we stopped immediately.

That's it for accidental penetration. But I've poked her anus without penetration accidentally several times--at the start of sex, aiming for her vagina and missing, in the dark. The head of my dick isn't sensitive enough to really know what I'm poking at (thanks, circumcision!).
8
@7: "But I've poked her anus without penetration accidentally several times--at the start of sex, aiming for her vagina and missing, in the dark."

I think this is what's more common, not full penetration.
9
It can be accidental and still be sexual assault. She didn't give consent to anal, and she has every right to feel violated. I don't care if it happened once or 100 times in a year. The perpetrator, nor the columnist, nor the commentariat, get to define how this woman feels about what happened here.
10
@9: And nobody here is telling her how to feel with any discussion of theoreticals.
11
@2: is this how people become size queens?
12
I thought Marcelina said goodbye few weeks ago
13
@11 I would assume that people can only become size queens if they can accommodate the size.
14
The apology for accidental anal should include consent to be pegged with equal force.
15
Accidental anal totally happens. Women come in different shapes and sizes - my vaginal opening and anus are fairly close. I like to use LOTS of lube for vaginal sex. Vigorous thrusting can lead to a slip and mis-thrust. My ex-husband, being sensibly aware that ass-to-vagina was a bad direction to go, got up and showered, and thus ended the sex. No orgasms for anyone. It happened maybe once or twice again with him (over ten years), and once with my current husband (another ten years). Neither partner has any motivation to stage an "accident", since I'm a fan of purposeful anal.
16
Triscuit @9: And the woman in question feels like it was a (repeated) accident. Case closed.
17
@9: "It can be accidental and still be sexual assault." So if I give a guy enthusiastic head, but my teeth accidentally scrape his cock, because he didn't give consent for me to use teeth, he can then allege that I've sexually assaulted him? He has the right to feel violated? I've been on the receiving end of accidental anal. It sucks, but it's accidental, and I didn't feel victimized by it.
18
#12 - Um-hmm. Pretty much.
This whole subject of ‘unintentional actions are assault' was covered in the ‘Leave it Alone’ thread, worth re-reading. Still damn creepy to read people saying “...now, I’m not necessarily saying that this teenage boy committed sexual assault when he unintentionally came in his pants, but..."
19
Mr Cat - ah, yes, the LW who wanted to use her friend as a toy and then years later wanted other people to call him a rapist for her because he used her more effectively.
20
@ 3 - I was about to write exactly the same thing. Glad I'm not the only one here old enough to get the reference.
21
#20 - I know that one too, but I mainly think of the SCTV ‘Abbot and Costello Run Drugs in Turkey’ sketch.
#19 - I still maintain that what the guy did was totally involuntary; ‘I really want to get off, so I’ll go ahead and come in my pants,’ said no guy ever. Although if guys orgasmed without the mess or refractory period, as women can, they’d be rubbing out all over the place.
Since we’re on the subject of ‘guys doing stuff involuntarily, that is later seen as assaultive,’ let me ask the assembled company: How common is premature ejaculation, a la Fast Times at Ridgemont High, literally blowing in your pants before you can get them off? Never happened to me, and if it’s happened to friends they kept mum.
All of us have stories about being so turned on that we came in seconds after the sex act started, but I have to wonder, is in-the-pants mostly urban myth?
And if any ladies are still wondering, again no, no guy does this on purpose, if it happens he’s mortified and praying to God and Ba’al that you and your friends won’t be splitting your sides over it the next day.
22
HUBBA - Ha! I live in the bible belt and finding a woman into MMF threesomes seems impossible. I feel your pain.

@9 Assault implies intent. If I trip over a loose cobblestone and fall into someone I didn't assault them. It's a ridiculous proposition to say that any unintentional cause of discomfort to someone can be seen as assault depending on how that someone chooses to feel about it. The person on the receiving end of the accidental penetration can certainly feel violated and have misgivings about future sexual encounters with their partner. Like a monkey on a typewriter, if they keep at it long enough he's bound to write some more Flaubert.
23
Het guy here - Accidental Anal is totally possible. It's never *quite* happened to me but I have knocked on the door a few times. If my wife hadn't intervened with a manual re-direct, it could have gone south, and that would have been really shitty.
Seems more likely with missionary position, lots of lube, and vigorous thrusting.
24
From up and down, and still somehow, it's control's illusions I recall; I really don't get accidental anal at all. *

*Warbled either by Joni Mitchell or Judy Collins, take your pick
25
I've accidentally almost stuck it in my wife's butt and almost every time its initially when she's flat on her stomach and I'm going in from behind. We really like that position but the peril is lining up right initially. Luckily there was no actual penetration but it was close. The idea that I would purposefully do that because I'm an asshole is hurtful yet understandable but honestly - think about your partner and whether they're that kind of asshole.
26
Ugh, if you're going so fast and furious that you accidentally pull out and slam the wrong hole you're also putting yourself at risk of jamming your penis and fracturing it. Google "penis fracture" if you want to cringe so hard you'll feel your balls crawl inside your body.

Be careful out there.
27
Straight dude here, can also confirm that accidental anal totally happens. In fact, so does accidental vaginal while having intentional anal. Sometimes things get hot and heavy, and sometimes things go wrong. I'd wager that 99% of the time, accidental anal is just that because in all likelihood, sex is over for the morning/day/afternoon/night after hurting the woman you're with. So it's a lose-lose to do that shit intentionally (no pun intended).
28
I have no doubt that there are men out there who might stage such an "accident," but that does not mean that accidents don't really and truly happen! This has happened to my partner and me a handful of times over the years--mostly when we were young and less experienced. Missionary position + lots of lubrication + vigorous thrusting + a shortish penis = an occasional misfire! Not fun, of course, but also not intentional, especially since in my case--as in @15--I like anal when it's on purpose, so there would be little reason to surprise me with it!
29
Accidental anal plays one of the best parts in the documentary "Dildo Diaries", which covered how how Texas's anti-sodomy laws got passed (the very anti-sodomy laws that resulted in the landmark Lawrence v. Texas case).
30
I don't think this has ever happened to me, but I'm not big on missionary. If I want to really pound it's usually doggy or prone.

One thing I have noticed though, the taint size of women and men varies sometimes significantly, I can see how this could happen much easier depending on the geometry of the butt, wang and pussy.
31
I've never accidentally analed somebody, but there have been times I've been "lined up" incorrectly. Seems reasonable that during PiV you could slip out (regular occurrence) and accidentally try to reenter another way.
32
@9 It can't. Mens rea.
33
This has definitely happened to me more than once and with at least two different partners. When everything gets slippery and there's a lot of thrusting, slip ups may occur. I never held it against the guy.
34
Okay, this is for the women who say they've been on the receiving end of accidental anal: do you actually LET the guy immediately go back to your vagina? Doesn't that result in the death infection from hell? It's not as if you had the chance to prep your butt and make it cleaner than normal. If it was me, I'd be "time out - wash up and we'll start over!"
35
Um.....I'm a lesbian and my ex girlfriend missed a couple times. With her fingers, not a strap on even. So......accidental happens. And not just with penises. Dan needs to learn a bit more about girly stuff if he wants to keep up this gig.
36
Savage Love hasn't seemed as informative in recent month, but this topic has been quite illuminating, as I would not have supposed that "accidental anal" was not only possible but judging from what I gather fairly common.

Like @7 and @31, I've given a gentle poke at the wrong spot when my partner was bent over the side of the bed and getting the proper angle wasn't easy to find, but I'm rather thankful I haven't had the experience of full on penetrating any partner no matter our positions or the intensity of the sex.
37
Almost every straight or bi woman I know has told me about having an accidental anal incident or two. Though this is not my particular lane, I did think it was common knowledge.
38
@9 No, it can't. Like most crimes, sexual assault requires proof of intent. So, accidental anal that is truly an accident is not sexual assault or any other sort. What it is, is - wait for it - an accident. Glad I could clear that up for you.

Oh and when a woman is on top of a man pulls up off of him and comes down on him wrong accidentally, she can miss, have him poke somewhere there is no hole, bend him and hurt him. This can be very painful, but it's also not sexual assault. It's just another accident. They happen, even to people like you who want to believe you live in a perfect world or that all men are rapists or whatever other bullshit you're trying to believe.
39
For the evidence file: Accidentally going down the wrong side of the "slip and slide" has happened to me many times, with at least 2 guys, both of them larger than average, but not huge. Always in the missionary position, as far as I remember. All but once I redirected them before penetration happened. The one time, I think I subconsciously let it happen (I was drunk, so either I was too slow, or just didn't care), it hurt, but in a good way, and I came instantly (and screamed, which ended the action). It made me want to try anal for real, and I did, with a careful partner and going slow, but most of the time it's not really enjoyable. I guess that one time was just a weird quirk.
40
Mr Rhone - I suppose they just didn't have enough to say about music?
41
As a married woman, I can guarantee that accidental anal happens. My husband and I can get rather aggressive and there have been COUNTLESS times where I zigged when he zagged, and he didn't end up in the right spot. Sometimes it was too far up, sometimes too far down, mostly to the left or right in a dick snappy time way.
42
okay, one more on the, "it's happened to me" side. I've had it happen and the guy couldn't tell. Literally, did not know until I told him that he was in the wrong hole. It happened just recently with a long-term partner; he was embarrassed when I told him he'd been in my ass, and needed to go shower up before we could continue. I'm a strange bird in that I can have anal with no lube/preparation, so it didn't hurt me. In both cases (happened with another guy, too), I was lying on my stomach and the guy came in from behind, and yes, there was slipperiness going on.
43
Great discussion of accidental anal. Now... let's put the laws to a test. How many of these men (or more likely women given how we make laws work these days) really need to do some prison time for these sexual transgressions?! ;)
44
btmom @34 "do you actually LET the guy immediately go back to your vagina?"

When it happened to me, he was wearing a condom. He changed condoms, and we went back to PIV.
45
The variety of anecdotes remind us all of the many threads that make up the tapestry of life. It sounds like the likelihood of accidental anal depends greatly on the specific anatomy of parties involved, how those anatomies relate to each other, preferences, actions, etc., and here we all thought what we had experienced was what everybody experiences. We should know better by now.

I was surprised how many others said it's most common in missionary. For me, misalignment has occurred primarily from behind when I'm on my stomach, knees, or spooning. Also, for me and not everybody I have learned, sudden unintended no-prep full anal penetration would be difficult and hasn't happened. Misalignment leads to bonking against - not in! - the anus or taint, which still doesn't feel great for either party. It seems like dick-bending would happen before full penetration would.
46
Maybe I'm on crazy pills, but I don't have sex with someone unless I can have a basic conversation with them. Basic in this case meaning "if something isn't right, say something," like the most basic consent.

If scare-quotes "accidental" anal is happening, someone is fucking up badly, and they're literally too irresponsible to fuck.

[judge-y mic-drop]
47
Yeah, I've done ass-to-vagina. Nothing bad happened.

I've gotten yeast and urinary infections after straightforward PIV though.
48
@47: Me, too. To both your points.
49
How about using a shoe horn in the vagina to guide the damn thing back in?
50
Ricardo: @ 3 - I was about to write exactly the same thing. Glad I'm not the only one here old enough to get the reference.

I got it -- and liked it -- too.

Another applicable song title, altered slightly (and courtesy of Dr. John): Wrong Place, Wrong Time."
51
#3, #50:

Me, too...And now, I will always wonder if Joni had a verse about that in the first draft of that lyric. I mean, it was, like, The Sixties, mannn.

(And then maybe she pegged Graham Nash right before they split up and decided who had to keep the two cats in the yard...life used to be so hard...)
52
I'd like to echo what several people have said about using lots of lube. YES, it can happen.
53
I'm a woman, and I will vouch for accidental anal. Two large people, one average-sized penis, a lot of natural lubrication and vigorous thrusting... it's really not that hard to end up knocking on the wrong door. It's pretty easy to avoid full-on penetration if your partner slows down as soon as he slips out and you give immediate notice of targeting issues. However, I've had one incident when a guy slipped, I was too turned on to care, and he never realized he was in my ass until after he tried to go back to my vagina and I told him he'd have to change condoms first.
54
This discussion is the Old School Savage Love I've always enjoyed. Stuff no other columnist, at least of Dan's stature, would spend the time on looking into.
55
Yes, accidental happens - I've done it several times over several decades, almost always as a combination of intoxication, darkness, haste and a hot soapy shower. Yes, I immediately stop (and am mortified) but, well, accidents happen.

The non-accidental type has always involved patience, lube and restraint until something else is requested, so I am aware of the difference.