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Nate Gowdy

I got choked up watching the inauguration today, like I did in January 2009.

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Except in 2009 it was about seeing our inspiring first black president. And this time, if I really had to pin it down, I’d guess it was more about seeing a racist, Putin-deep-throating, pathological liar ushering in a reign of terror.

At roughly 17 minutes, Trump’s nauseating address was an oral diaper bursting with lies, fearmongering, jingoism, Islamophobia, and a weird number of God references. (Weird for Trump, who’s likely no more religious than a cocker spaniel, in contrast to the openly theocratic GOP.)

He said he was transferring power from Washington DC and giving it back to us, the people.

Nothing shows that more than assembling the richest cabinet in U.S. history.

Ranting about “the crime and the gangs and the drugs,” he promised, “This American carnage stops right here and stops right now.”

American carnage? Guaranteed title of an upcoming Trump biography. Also, not really happening.

He mentioned “the very sad depletion of our military,” combining his juvenile “very sad” Twitter refrain with a lie about our military, which we still spend more on than all the other developed nations combined.

He threw out red meat about “radical Islamic terrorism, which,” he vowed, “we will eradicate completely from the face of the earth.” Uplifting. Except toddlers with guns killed more Americans last year than radical Islamic terrorists.

“And most importantly, we will be protected by God.” Spit-take. This moment is evidence to the contrary.

He said, “We all bleed the same red blood of patriots.” Or did he say “bleat”? Because Trump got five deferments during Vietnam. As for patriotism, see “Russia.”

Watching that bloated orange conman put his tiny hand on the same Bible used to swear in Lincoln, I tried to look on the bright side: at least I never had kids. So, I don’t have to explain pussy-grabbing to them, or why we had to move inland because the sea level rose so high.

On the other hand, if I’d had kids, that would be some red meat on hand in case of an emergency.

Buzzfeed compared Trump’s estimated crowd of 10,000 to Obama’s 400,000. The “failing pile of garbage” news site (they’re selling tee-shirts with that Trump insult now) quoted the word salad of our new halfwit-in-chief: “This started out tonight being a small little concert, and then we had the idea maybe we’ll do it in front of the Lincoln Memorial. I don’t know if it’s ever been done before,” Trump said. “But if it has, very seldom. And the people came by the thousands and thousands, and here we are tonight, all the way back. All the way back.”

The presidential inauguration in 2009 (left), versus the one that happened today.
A side-by-side comparison of the presidential inauguration in 2009 (left), versus the one that happened today.

Ha!

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Trump chose Frank Sinatra’s hit, “My Way,” for his first dance with Melania at the inaugural ball. It’s safe to assume he’s blissfully unaware of how much Sinatra hated racism and would have hated him. But stopped clocks and all that.

So now here we go. It really starts Monday, after Trump’s had the weekend to rest and absolutely not talk to his kids about the business empire he handed over to them. As a warmup, right after Trump took the oath today, Whitehouse.gov went full 1984 and disappeared climate change, LGBT rights, civil rights and health care information.

The lump in my throat must be all that greatness.