It's the only episode you look forward to!
It's the only episode you look forward to!

In case you were unaware, Snatch Game is one of the most special homosexual holidays. Once a year, RuPaul asks a select group of queer people to play a drag version of Match Game, and the LGBTQITSLFA world rejoices. Many queens fumble at the challenge, spelling their doom and embarrassing themselves before their subjects. A small, royal group of queens, however, give truly spiritual performances, providing the gays with memes and GIFs for eternity. This week, y'all, it's Snatch Game time.

Sponsored
FREE event on 10/22 – Gov. Locke & GOP strategist Rick Wilson discuss midterms

She may not be a winner, but she's a whiner, and we like her just the same.
She may not be a winner, but she's a whiner, and we like her just the same.

The episode starts out as the last one ended, with Farrah Moan literally moaning because apparently being the archetypal twink means you must cartoon cry a few times every day. Beyond her standard whimpers, Farrah decides to also come for Nina at the top of the episode, asking Nina if she really wants to be in the competition. There's a lot of side eye and "OOOOOOHs" but it's all just whatever because while Nina has some frustratingly tedious insecurities, she's also one of the most interesting queens to enter the competition... maybe ever? (Also, Shea consistently goes to bat for Nina, and Shea's the most likable queen this season, so her opinion is law.)

After the Nina/Farrah nonsense, it's a new day in the work room and BAM! It's Snatch Game, hunties.

Here's a run-down of the choices...

THE SNATCHES
Trinity = Amanda Lepore
Sasha = Marlene Dietrich
Aja = Alyssa Edwards
Nina = Jasmine Masters (!!!)
Farrah = Gigi Gorgeous
Alexis = Liza Minnelli
Peppermint = NeNe Leakes
Valentina = Miss Colombia
Shea = Naomi Campbell
Cynthia = Sofia Vergara

Many of these choices end up being solid (Amanda Lepore, Naomi Campbell, and surprisingly Marlene Dietrich), and many are horrific (NeNe Leakes, Sofia Vergara), but the real perfect pick is from miss attitude herself, Nina Bo'Nina Brown, with JASMINE FUCKIN' MASTERS. As is any RPDR superfan, I'm something of a Jasmine Masters historian. So, children, let's get to it...

A Far Too Brief History of Jasmine Masters

jmast.gif

Jasmine Masters is the supreme muse of internet trolls. First seen on season seven of RuPaul's Drag Race, Masters was known for being disgruntled on the show, sneaking in a loaf of bread, coming out of a cocoon, and inspiring more hate mail than probably any contestant on RPDR herstory (except maybe Phi Phi O'Hara).

Screen_Shot_2017-04-28_at_3.00.43_PM.png

Iconic Quotes:
- "I am Jasmine Masters and I have something to say."
- "No T, no shade, no pink lemonade"
- "RuPaul's Drag Race has fucked up drag, bottom line cut and dry."
- "I wasn't brought up wearing my panties and bra on stage and reaching for something that ain't there. That's not drag."

Iconic Related Content:

Jasmine Masters explaining how RPDR fucked up drag. Just watch it.

Also iconic? When Masters explained how to use the word #thatpart:

#Thatpart even birthed its own dance track:

But okay, okay... Enough with Jasmine Masters. (There's so much more, though! She deserves her own subreddit!) Back to the episode.

You don't understand how much it pains me to associate what's-her-face with patron saint Minnelli.
You don't understand how much it pains me to associate what's-her-face with patron saint Minnelli.

I guess we need to talk about Alexis Michelle. Yes, there are many unpleasant things I'd rather avoid discussing, like how many times I've watched this video of Avril Lavigne and how Angelina Jolie's dad loves Donald Trump, but some things must be confronted. And, y'all, we need to confront the fact that Alexis Michelle is talented. (UGHHHH!) Yes, the queen who on last week's Untucked blamed her terrible runway outfit on all the other girls, saying someone should have helped her make a better decision. That queen is, unfortunately, a rather good performer, and she may not be leaving any time soon. Alexis Michelle's Liza Minnelli was flawless, and after weeks of vying for a win, well... begrudgingly, I write...

WINNER WINNER: Alexis Michelle

May we near hear about her cucu again.
May we never hear about her cucu again.

Cynthia is so endearing. Her cucu talk was coo coo crazy, but we loved her... on season eight. (Of all the past queens to bring back... Cynthia?) Ru could have saved us some time and sent Eureka, Cynthia, and Farrah all home last week, but Farrah and Cynthia's middling performances didn't deserve a spectacular dismissal. But, I digress... This week, the show revisits its motif of Cynthia being in the a bottom. Peppermint, a queen who I predicted needed to turn it out in Snatch Game or pack her ill-fitting pink skirts and go back to NYC, competes against the cucu queen for the chance to stay in the competition. Fortunately, Peppermint reminds us what it means to slay and she slaughters Cynthia's cucu, sending her home for (GODPLEASEJESUS) the last time. Yes, Cynthia's a gem, but let's get back to seeing her perform on reruns and in clubs.

BYE BYE: Cynthia!

And the local queen says...

A post shared by Apostrophe (@apostrophe_period) on

I'm in New Orleans this week, so I met up with ex-Seattle queen (she was Miss Bacon Strip 2016, y'all) and current NOLA resident, Apostrophe. In between margaritas on the Mississippi, Apostrophe confessed her own Snatch Game picks:

"Should I ever be fortunate enough to be a contestant on Drag Race (HAHAHA!)...

1. Helen Keller. Of course, I'd have to scratch my answers into RuPaul's palm, but I still think Keller was boss AF. Little known fact: She was also quite the comedienne. I know people would think it was in poor taste, but... isn't that our job?
2. Seattle queen Hellen Tragedy. Ok. That's a lie.
3. Tina Belcher. OMG I'm laughing so hard just imagining it!
4. Kathy Griffin. I mean. It writes itself. Big eyes and a big loud mouth. I want to be her in real-fucking-life.
5. New Orleans' own Garlic Junior. No one has heard of her. And that's really OK. She's simple. But a gem. And I feel bad for her so I think it'd be good to do something nice for her."

You can check out Apostrophe online and, well, in New Orleans.