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I've spent most of my sexual life in a wonderfully fulfilling and satisfying slut phase, and just as I grew tired of that lifestyle I landed in the arms of an incredible man. We fell in love very quickly and developed a pretty idyllic relationship... with one problem. He struggles with premature ejaculation. At first, in the throws of young love, it wasn't a problem, but now that we've been dating for nearly a year it's caused me to almost completely lose interest in sex with him. I love foreplay, but I can really only get off from PIV sex, which we can sustain for about 10-30 seconds depending on the amount of movement, so our sexy times are totally unsatisfying for me. On top of that, I'm very into kink, rough sex, and BDSM, and right now those are totally out of our wheelhouse as a couple. How am I supposed to be sub to a man who can't control his orgasm?

Outside of our quickly dwindling sex life, I love, respect, and adore this man and could see myself building a life with him long term, but sex is SO important for both of us and the health of our relationship. He has definitely noticed my decline in libido and it bums us both out. We've talked about it endlessly and can't come up with a solution. I don't want it to escalate to an insurmountable problem and I NEED HELP! What can we try? Therapy? Meds? Novocaine? I'm willing to do anything to save our sex life.

Super Premature, Underwhelming, & Not Kinky

Before rushing to therapy and drugs—which haven't been proven to be very effective for premature ejaculation—your guy might wanna give the standard-issue advice for premature ejaculators a try. (Assuming he hasn't already.) To last longer, preemies are told to pay close attention to their arousal levels and to learn tiptoe up to and away from what's called the "point of orgasmic inevitability." This advice can come off as condescending to guys who struggle with premature ejaculation because they know damn well what the "point of orgasmic inevitability" feels like and they're desperately trying to avoid it. But thrusting slowly and carefully, and distracting themselves from other stimuli, can help a guy last longer.

Some guys. Eventually. Maybe.

This takes time and practice, of course, and it isn't going to happen overnight. So it'll require something you seem to be in short supply of, SPUNK: patience.

Something else you're going to need: acceptance. If this idyllic relationship is completely monogamous and other sexual partners are off the table, you'll have to accept that his dick is his dick and this is how his dick works and it's all the dick you're gonna get while you two are together.
(Even if your relationship is open, SPUNK, you'll have to accept the fact that his dick is his dick.) You'll also have to accept the fact that rough sex—intense, pounding PIV—isn't going to be on the menu because aggressive pounding will push him past the point of orgasmic inevitability pretty quickly.

You can also accept that orgasms are a part of sex, not the end of sex. And you know what's still hard long after his penis isn't? His face. And what can that face do? Plenty of things. So can his hands, fingers, toes, or whatever other body parts can help get you off. If you need a dick in you to come, and a vibrator or toy just won't do, push off PIV until later and use his face, hands, fingers, toes, etc., early and often.

And, hey, there's no law against cisgender men using strap-ons dildos, lesbo-style, on their female partners. If you know his premature ejaculation is a problem, and he knows it, ask him to strap on a dick on that's roughly the same size and shape of his own and pound you with that. And then, after you've had an orgasm or three (after he's given you an orgasm or three), he can toss aside the strap-on dildo and toss his own dick in. And who knows? With the pressure off—he'll already have made you come—he might last a little longer. Maybe.

And did you say you're into BDSM? Bondage, discipline, and sadomasochism are about a lot more than PIV intercourse—sometimes straight BDSMers have to remind themselves to schedule a little PIV alongside everything else they've got going on.

There's a lot more to sex, kinky or otherwise, than just PIV. Usually I have to remind straight men of that fact. Today, SPUNK, I'm reminding you. If you really love, respect, and adore this man, you'll make an effort to wrap your head around that fact.


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