Hanukkah present #1 = watching this guy lose.
Hanukkah present No. 1 = watching this guy lose. SCOTT OLSON / GETTY

In case you just fell out of the sky: tomorrow Alabamians will cast their vote in a Senate race between Democratic candidate Doug Jones and alleged child molester (but confirmed bigot) Roy Moore. The race is close.

On Friday evening Vice published a video of 12 "conservative" voters—from bus drivers to real estate developers—having a "candid discussion" with longtime Republican strategist Frank Luntz. If you haven't watched it yet, you gotta check it out. But before you do, you might wanna stick a bit in your mouth and tie yourself to a pole:

Quotes from the voters followed by the things my mind said while I was watching this video:

"Roy Moore is entitled to the presumption of innocence in the law and in the Bible."

Beside the point. And if this story were playing out in the Bible, Roy Moore would probably be dragged to the center of town and stoned. (Actually, it looks like he'd be told to pay the victim's dad 50 shekels and then be required to marry her. In my view, the Bible is bad.)

"All of 'em are being paid."


"Better have proof."

They did.

"They still had clothes on...I'm not blaming her, I'm blaming both of them."


"It was a different world. Forty years ago in Alabama? There's a lot of mamas and daddies that'd be thrilled that their 14-year-old was getting hit on by a district attorney."

He was banned from the mall.

"I didn't tell anybody [about an incident of sexual harassment in my own life]. And if I was going to tell somebody, I would not have waited 38 years to tell it."

God, that's so sad.

"Do they believe a baby should be aborted at nine months?"

Oh, come ON.

While it's useful to file this exchange away under "CHRISTIANS BELIEVE IN NOTHING," filming a bunch of idiots in a room saying the worst things will only rile up the outrage liberal machine (👋 ), which will only inflame the tribalism so horrifyingly on display in this video, make Alabamians think it's them against the rest of America, and then cause them to circle their wagons around Moore. This is the lesson John Ossoff's loss taught us. Coastal liberals should not repeat it by flying down to Alabama to join the last-minute door-knocking campaign, or by publicly declaring all Alabamians to be idiots.

But I don't think it'd hurt to throw a couple dollars to the Doug Jones campaign in these final hours.