I am a hetero, married, cis man. I'm also a bit of an introvert, and don't have a lot of close friends, particularly at work where I generally make acquaintances who I don't really connect with beyond a superficial level. But I hit it off with a new coworker. She reminded me of my small circle of friends, and when we started socializing outside work I introduced her to my wife and my best friends of fifteen years and it went great, except...

It was a bit of a strain on my marriage at first. My wife and I had previously established terms for opening our relationship at my wife's request, so I was surprised when she showed some resentment and jealousy (it was ill-advised to come home drunk from an event my friend wasn't at and tell my wife that my friend's cute and I'd fuck her, so I recognize I could have done much better), but my wife and I worked through it together (counseling, making more effort to show her she's loved, lots of sex, closing our relationship, and clearly negotiated boundaries) and now I have a new friend that my wife gets along with. Hurray!

I was just wondering if you have any tips for navigating jealousy in the context of opening up relationships to thirds or extra-curricular activities. The feelings of jealousy made for some hot sex, but also there was hurt feelings. This has rekindled our mutual interest in finding a unicorn and, if we do, I would want to follow your advice of making the third feel like a special guest star. But now I'm worried my wife might be offended by that. We've not done it before, so neither of us really knows what to expect we'll feel. Would going with a sex worker the first time help?

Making Fantastic Friends

"You don't pay a prostitute for sex, you pay her to leave afterwards."

That quote, attributed to Dashiell Hammett (author of detective novels (The Maltese Falcon, The Thin Man, creator of Sam Spade and Nick and Nora Charles), captures what you might want (and could easily get) if you hired a sex worker for your first threesome. While you do have to be kind and respectful when you engage with a sex worker, and while you will have to discuss your interests and desires in order to determine if you're the right clients for her and she's the right sex worker for you, you won't have to befriend or — please — seduce her. It's a commercial transaction, a professional relationship, hopefully a courteous and respectful one with clearly articulated boundaries and a set time limit. Jealousy isn't always rational, of course, and it's possible that seeing with another woman, any other woman, even a woman you're going to pay to leave afterwards, will be too much for your wife. But your wife may find a sex worker you never have to see again — unless you and the wife decide together to become regular clients — less threatening. (I can only speculate, of course, but you can check with the wife.)

It's a really good sign you and your wife were able to work through the jealousy and hurt feelings around your attractive new friend from work — and mine it for some hot sex — without having to end the friendship, MFF. The work you've done in counseling, the care you've shown for each other, the prioritizing of your relationship, et al, are a whole bunch of good signs. I'm confident you possess the emotional IQ and communication skills a couple needs to have a sexual adventure without blowing everything up. You don't think you need me to tell you how to navigate jealousy, MFF, because you've been navigating it just fine on your own.

Now there could be other bumps if you decide to go for it — there will be other bumps (the course of crazy sex adventures never did run smooth) — but if you agree in advance to calmly talk things through when you hit a bump, if you agree in advance that either of you can call things off at any time, you can have a successful threesome. It may not be on your first attempt — how successful was your first twosome? — but you'll get there.

Finally, you say your marriage was open at your wife's request when you told the wife you would fuck your new friend if you could and your wife blew up. It's not unheard of for the person who asked for the open relationship to freak out when the other partner decides they want to sleep with someone else too — or, as in your case, the other partner merely acknowledges an attraction to someone else. Some people who think they want an open relationship realize they don't want one if it means their partner gets to sleep with others too — those folks don't want an open relationship, they want a cuckold relationship. Others have thought through what it means if they sleep with someone else (they know they're still in love, they know they're not going anywhere) but haven't thought through what it means if their partner sleeps with someone else (can they know their partner still loves them? can they know their partner isn't going anywhere?). It's a bit of a disconnect — your partner took your word for it when you said you weren't going anywhere and you should be able to do the same — but it's one that good communication, consideration, and baby steps can bridge.