Stephen K. Bannon. The K stands for contemptuous of humankind.
Stephen K. Bannon. The K stands for "contemptuous of humankind." WIN MCNAMEE/GETTY IMAGES

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“That’s just what my enemies want me to do,” said the recently disgraced, thoroughly discredited political strategist and image manipulator who bent the laws of reason, truth, and quantum physics to get Donald Trump elected to the presidency because he (Steve Bannon) thinks liberals are snobs.

The NY Times reported today that Bannon would be "stepping down" from his job as Executive Chairman at Breitbart Media. During his tenure at Breitbart, Bannon accomplished the unthinkable: He made a publication that would have appalled even the company's founder, Andrew Breitbart, who died in 2012 of either heart failure or shame (or both).

“So I refuse to do it," Bannon continued. "I’m going to eat shit right here on Earth, just like the rest of the country—a country I intentionally fucked over because of some stuff I barely even remember now about elites or whatever…

“Oh, yeah! That’s it: ELITES!

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“People are elitist, so I’m going to trick a bunch of credulous rubes into thinking that a self-proclaimed billionaire/more like millionaire/more like debtor’s prison inmate if his markers ever got called in/real estate baron/sociopath with toilets literally made out of gold gives one one-thousandth of a solitary fuck about their job in a coal mine, while simultaneously assuaging the fears of the 37 inbred psychos who have 99 percent of the money in this country that one day a president might actually try to make them pay some taxes.

“That'll show 'em,” Bannon claims to have exclaimed. "Now please pardon me. I have to figure out what to do with all this MAGA merch. And then I'm going to the movies. Is The Last Jedi any good? I heard it was kind of gay. Which reminds me: does anyone have Milo's new number?"

Clarification: The quotes in the above interview were never uttered, nor did the interview take place. Though the rest of it is basically pretty accurate.