Thereās only one sure-fire way to avoid being in a consensual gray area in a sexual scenario: Use your grown-up words and explicitly ask for consent. If youāre a shy or less verbal person, this might seem like a daunting task.
1. I donāt like āasking.ā
People (especially men) have told me that āasking permissionā feels weak, that it establishes a power dynamic from the get-go that may not be a total turn-on. Can I suggest this adjustment to your logic: The āaskā is a sign of ultimate respect, a new ālaying your cape over a mud puddle.ā Because who can remember to bring their cape all the time? If your boo is into consent, asking IS foreplay.
2. It makes sex so mechanical.
Maybe there is a small loss of spontaneity. But if you get consent beforehand, or better yet, have a grown-up discussion of what you are into and when/where you want to get it, youāll have the green light to get as weird-as-you-wanna-be when the time comes. Iāll take kink over spontaneity any day.
3. Girls are the brakes, boys are the gas.
Why are you even reading this column, you dumb dinosaur?! Thereās an assumption that cisgender straight males are ALWAYS trying to get it IN and itās the āwomanās job to put on the brakes.ā Itās 2018, dummies. That kind of oversimplification is over. Yes, letās acknowledge the long history of teaching men to āaskā consent and women to āgiveā consent *cough* rape culture *cough*. However, women can help this process by participating in the culture of consent themselves, asking and granting permission also.
4. I donāt know how.
For a lot of us, this is new. Weāre finding the language, the rhythms and the emotions associated with consent. Itās OK for it to feel awkward. Weāre all gonna be so good at this soon (a great resource is sex educator/graphic artist Erika Moen's blog entry on consent). If youāre just getting your feet wet, here are some phrases to try out:
Can Iā¦.?
Will youā¦?
Would it feel good if I ā¦.?
Would you like it if Iā¦?
Do you like it whenā¦?
Here are some phrases that sound less like questions:
It would feel so good if youā¦
It turns me on when youā¦
When you _____, it makes me hot
I love it when you ____
I want you to _____
Okay now here are some perfectly reasonable verbs to add to this sentence:
touch
kiss
lick
suck
stick it inside (where applicable)
take off
keep going
Finish it with a subject:
My/your dick
My/Your Pussy
My/Your Legs
My/Your Butt
His/Her/their dick/pussy/legs/butt
Try it with your partner, your weekend lover, or whatever lucky, sunsick fool you hook up with tonight. And donāt thank me too much when you ask permission to fuck and your consent-lovinā bae floods their basement.
Wishing you great love and hot, consensual action,
@BriPruett