Newly minted conservative Katie Herzog
Newly minted conservative Katie Herzog

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After my Slog post on call-out culture spread online last week, a funny thing started to happen: For the first time in my life, conservatives started to like me. My inbox filled up with messages from right-wingers who seem to believe that because I object to the adolescent behavior of some leftists on social media, I'm ready to pop on a MAGA hat and change my name to Milo.

This was a very strange turn of events. I'm a pro-tax, anti-gun, short-haired homosexual socialist whose only experience with religion, something conservatives seem fond of, is smoking weed in church parking lots. Plus, I'm more likely to go to Heaven than I am to vote for a conservative, and Heaven doesn't exist! Why would the party of Mike "Never Dine with a Woman" Pence want me?? But then I remembered that we're talking about a "conservative" party that elected a thrice-divorced neoliberal atheist who has likely paid for an abortion or 10 and who actively interferes in the free market if a CEO insults his tie. Moral consistency is hardly at the top of their agenda.

I'll fit in perfectly.

If, however, I'm going to join the conservatives, I'll need all the neo-neo-cons out there to agree to a few updates to our platform. Nothing major—don't worry, I won't ask you to outlaw straight marriage—but my endorsement comes with a few stipulations: 1) Less tolerance of world leaders who conduct public policy via tweeting on the toilet. 2) We're going to need to be more anti-imperialist, more anti-racist, and extremely anti-Fox News. Under our new agenda, all Fox News hosts would be required to suck on helium balloons before they go on air; if that doesn't work for you, we'll ask a panel of independent fact-checkers to lower the mic every time Tucker Carlson tells a lie (same goes for Donald Trump). 3) All fake news, conspiracy theory, and propaganda websites are to publish exclusively in comic sans. And 4) Let's do away with contemporary adult rock as the official GOP soundtrack, shall we?

I have a few other ideas—like a mandatory gun buy-back program where we'll all turn in our handguns and assault rifles in exchange for 100 native plant seeds. And I know the right is generally opposed to abortion (which, under our updated platform, will be cheap, easy, and accessible to all), so to minimize the chances of unplanned pregnancy, IUDs will be administered to all newborns. And while you all love your creation myths, we're also going to have to abolish all religion and agree that the one and only god worth worshiping is Oprah Winfrey.

Speaking of Oprah, let's go ahead and line her up for a 2020 run for our side before the libtards convince her to run as a Dem. Then, after she's president, we're going to break up any industry worth more than half a billion dollars, tax the piss out of the rich, start a program the size and scope of the New Deal to repair our infrastructure, and move from an energy system based on fossil fuels to one based on renewables. After that, we're going to put down our nukes, disarm the police, abolish the military, and invite all nations to join a new, global UN, which will nullify all borders and form one democratic global nation-state called Earth. On Earth, all citizens will be able to live wherever they please, all labor will be compensated fairly, and while taxes on the rich will be incredibly high, if you design a billion dollar website, you get a shout-out in the monthly Earth newsletter. I'd also like to bring rollerblades back.

This is just the beginning! There's so much more to do! And when all my ideas are fully integrated into the conservative movement, I will gladly join you in Making Earth Great Again. Looking foward to it!