Maybe if Raspberry hadnt gotten knocked up last year, this would be different.
Maybe if Raspberry hadn't gotten knocked up last year, this would be different. FOTOKON/SHUTTERSTOCK

In the recent Seattle past, if you had nothing else going for you on Valentine's Day, you could always head over to the Seattle Aquarium to watch two octopus* have sex. The aquarium's "Octopus Week" has traditionally coincided with Valentine's Day, during which time the aquarium handlers would place two octopus—one male, one female—together in a tank for a "blind date," an event open to human voyeurs, of course.

But no more. The staged Valentine's Day octopus sex act (read more about that here, and here)—which has been cancelled the last two years in a row—has been cancelled forever.

Sorry if you didn't get the memo. It turns out that octopus' sex lives are much harder to predict than their human handlers thought. Last year, it turned out that the female octopus Raspberry already had her eggs fertilized (the scandal!) by another male prior to the date. The year before, the mismatched sizes of the octopus raised concerns that one might eat the other.

The good news is that Octopus Week has been rescheduled for February 17 to February 25. And recognizing the needs of lonely hearts the city over, the aquarium is also hosting a 21+ event tonight where adults can learn about the sex habits of many more marine species.

Have fun at the aquarium, folks. I will not be attending, as I already have very exclusive plans to drink champagne with Heidi Groover while we do adult connect-the-dots drawings and listen to sad music in her apartment. We are fine.

*Yes, this is technically the plural form of "octopus"!