My girlfriend and I have been together for six months and it has been great! We truly love each other and are inseparable. We are good at communicating and are very honest with each other. I’ve worked in the mental health field and I have been a counselor, so I know how important communication is in a relationship. That said, my girlfriend and I have talked about what our fantasies are. Mine is simple, a FFM threesome, which she is open to trying. Hers is not so simple.
That’s where you come in.
She has a fantasy of me watching and being in control of her with another lover, which she says can be either a man or woman. I, of course, like most heterosexual men, would quite enjoy watching and being in control of her with another woman. I just know that she would be more turned on if it was another man, because she is not bisexual. I honestly just don’t know if this would turn me on. Having a MMF threesome does turn me on (she is more intimidated by a MMF threesome), but watching her solely with another man, even if I was in control, I just don’t know how I would react. I can possibly see it turning me on, but this is something you can’t take back, so I don’t want to agree to it without first educating myself. I’ve attempted to look online and ask some of my friends, especially ones that are more sexually open, but all I come across is information and opinions about cuckolding, which I do not think my girlfriend is suggesting. Plus, I am not into cuckolding. From my understanding of it, there is humiliation involved in some way with cuckolding, and I just don’t find that appealing. I might be wrong with that, and I do not judge other men that enjoy it, but I don’t see it ever turning me on. (Please correct me if I’m wrong about cuckolding.) I’ve even tried watching pornography of cuckolding, which did nothing for me. I’m already irrationally insecure about the size of my penis, which is above average, but I still want a larger penis (surprise, surprise). So, I can’t see cuckolding as being a turn on for me.
My girlfriend doesn’t necessarily want to fulfill this fantasy, but I’d like to be mature, trusting, and confident enough to help her fulfill it. We have great sex now, and aren’t really looking to fulfill our fantasies any time soon, but I’d still like to understand it better. She said that her and her friends have talked about this fantasy, and it’s one that they share, too, but none of them have ever done it. I just can’t help but think that she has this fantasy because I am inadequate as a lover, despite her telling me otherwise, and I do believe her. It’s just that my own insecurities come up when I think of it.
What I want to ask you is, have you ever heard of this as being a common fantasy for woman? What kind of dynamic is in play with this fantasy? And how do you suggest that we approach this? Should we try something else before trying this? Or, should we just not try it at all?
Would A True Cuckold Have Extreme Reservations
I was a little concerned when you mentioned your girlfriend's fantasy and then wrote, "That's where you come in." You even made it a stand-alone paragraph. Imagine my relief when I learned you were only seeking my advice, not my presence.
Anyway, WATCHER, this one is pretty simple. But first things first: you're right about cuckolding. That kink is characterized by the humiliation and/or degradation of the spouse being "cheated on," a.k.a. the cuckold, cuckquean, or cuck. Cuckolds are usually straight men who have eroticized feelings of jealousy and inadequacy and get off on the idea of their female partners getting bigger and/or better elsewhere; there's also a growing "community" — for lack of a better term — of gay cuckolds out there. What you girlfriend describes sounds more like HotWifing, a.k.a. "stag and vixen" play, which involves a woman having sex with another man usually in front of her male partner but without humiliation or degradation play and/or dirty talk. Your girlfriend's desire to be controlled — for you to call the shots — adds a sexy Dom/sub dynamic to stag and vixen.
You definitely need to draw your girlfriend out — if she's intimidated by the thought of a MMF threesome but up for playing with another man while you call the shots, she could be concerned about being with another man who's free to initiate things during a threesome where he's (at least in theory) a coequal-if-temporary partner. In her desired scenario, the other dude can only do what you tell him to — so she doesn't have to worry about the other dude attempting to initiate, say, anal sex or something else she might not be comfortable doing. If she has a hard time advocating for herself in the moment and/or saying no to a man (like many women), she may be more comfortable with the idea of you calling the shots — you know her well, you won't "order" your male VSGS (very special guest star) to do anything she wouldn't enjoy, etc. If this is what's going on for her — if this is the reason a regular MMF threesome intimidates her but a MF/BoyfriendWatchesAndControlsTheAction sounds appealing — it could be a workable workaround for your girlfriend.
But it's important your girlfriend learns to/feels empowered to advocate for herself in the moment with male partners — and not just your VSGS, WATCHER, but with you too. So draw her out. Ask her, if you haven't already, what it is about this fantasy that turns her on and what it about it makes her feel more comfortable including another man. Talk about her concerns and insecurities, WATCHER, and yours too. Talk, talk, talk.
Now here's why I think your problem is a pretty simple: You say you're not comfortable with the idea of doing this with a man — but your girlfriend has already told you that she's up for doing this with a man or a woman. Take her at her word, WATCHER, and do it with a woman. If that experience goes well you can revisit the idea of doing it with a man. You say you're down for a MMF threesome that includes your active participation. Great! If you can address your girlfriend's concerns and fears, she may be down for a regular MMF threesome too. And if that threesome goes well, WATCHER, you might be more comfortable with fulfilling your girlfriend's fantasy with a male VSGS — and, hey, if your first MMF threesome goes well and the dude didn't make you feel insecure or inadequate, consider inviting the same dude back.
Finally, WATCHER, there's no rush — you've only been together six months. Take your time. Keep talking about your fantasies; do some dirty talking about them when you're having sex, do a lot of actual talking about them when you're not having sex. And when the time comes — when your first VSGS, male or female, arrives for your first regular threesome or your first boyfriend-watches-and-calls-the-shots D/s stag-and-vixen scene — make sure everyone knows that anyone can call for a pause at any time and for any reason. Agree in advance that there will be no hard feelings if, once things are underway, one of you needs to call it off, and take breaks during the play to check in and make sure everyone is enjoying themselves.