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I have a sex etiquette question for you. I like watersports, and I’m always looking for situations to practice. Several years ago, I heard a rumor about a guy in a rural area who holds piss parties during the summer in his backyard.

When I found a mailing list for those interested in piss play, it wasn’t long before he posted about one of these parties. People on the list serve talk a big game, but no one else has stepped up to host something, including me. (I would, but four neighbors look into my back yard.) The host has very simple rules on who can attend: you have to identify as a guy and wear masculine attire. He doesn’t request pictures, thereby barring you from coming if you don’t meet some standard of attractiveness. I drove up, drinking water along the way, because it’s important to pregame these things.

I get there, and there were about four guys and the host. I had a good time. The host has plenty of drinks out, towels, chairs, canopies, and candles to ward off the mosquitos. I’ve been back a couple times. Everyone is friendly enough and there’s the right amount of perversion.

So what’s the problem? The host. He’s loud and annoying. He insists on putting classical music on. (I don’t have a problem with the music, but it doesn’t set the mood very well.) He tells the same lame jokes every time he’s pissing on someone. He will complain that people say they're coming and don’t show. If you are having a moment with someone, he will invariably interrupt and say, “What’s going on here!?” while he horns in on the action.

Without being rude, I’ve tried to make it clear that we were not looking for company, but he doesn’t take the hint.

It’s his party, and props to him for hosting it. It takes effort and planning and I’ve let him know I appreciate that. I’m not aware of anything similar in the area. But, it takes the fun out of it when the host doesn’t know when to back off. I’ve gotten to the point where it’s not worth the effort to go. I’m not sure if others feel the same. Do you have any suggestions? Is it my problem and leave it at that? Just get over it? Or should I say something privately?

Person Exasperates Enthusiast

The advice I gave a different reader about dealing with a pushy person at an orgy—the kind of person who horns in on the action—applies in your case (just replace "drunken fuckfest" with "drenchin' piss scene"):

Even kind and decent people can be terrible about taking hints—especially when doing so means getting cut out of a drunken fuckfest. So don’t hint, tell. There’s no rule of etiquette that can paper over the discomfort and awkwardness of that moment, so your group’s designated speaker-upper will just have to power through it.

But in this particular group, PEE, the person who needs speaking up to—the person he needs telling, not hinting—is your host. (And he sounds like a pretty gracious host. I mean, drinks, towels, and canapés* at a piss party?) That's going to be extremely awkward.

To be clear, I don't think this is your problem; your host's behavior sounds genuinely annoying. Hosting a sex party doesn't give someone the right to insert himself into someone else's scene and stupid jokes have the power to kill the mood and murder all the boners.

So what do you do?

Well, you could send your host an email or give him a call. Thank him for the invite, let him know you appreciated the effort he went to (canapés!), and then tell him you're probably not coming back and lay out your reasons. I don't think listing his shortcomings—you're too loud, your music is awful, you have a bad habit of horning in on the action, you need to learn some new jokes to tell when you're pissing on someone (or, better yet, not to tell jokes any jokes at all)—is going to get your anywhere other than crossed off the invite list to future parties.

So, hey, why not make your own piss party? You don't need a big back yard—I mean, presumably your apartment has a tub. Supplement your tub with a couple of kiddie pools on top of some plastic tarp laid down on the living room or basement floor. Ask your guests to keep it in the tub, pool, or on the tarp. You get to choose the guys, you get to select the music, and, as host, you can lay down the law about horning in on the action: it's not allowed and horner-inners will be asked to pull up their pants and leave.

One last thought: it's telling that this guy has been hosting piss parties for years and only five guys showed up to the last one. That detail had me wondering whether his behavior, his jokes, and the music are driving other guys off. If you have it in you to invest some time in getting to know this guy—if you treat him like a human being—you might be able to draw him out on the subject. If he's noticed that guys come to one or two parties and never return, PEE, that's your opening to ask he'd like some constructive feedback. If he is, you can very gently run through the list—the jokes, the music, the horning in, etc.

* Yes, those were canopies, not canapés. But I read it as canapés at first and the mental of piss players daintily eating canapés between scenes was so much more entertaining than the mental image of piss players huddling under canopies during scenes that I stuck with my original reading.

Listen to my podcast, the Savage Lovecast, at www.savagelovecast.com.

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