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I don't know what to do. I recently discovered that my boyfriend of eight years has joined an online dating (hookup) site. He is wanting to meet a man to have oral sex with. He is straight. How do I deal with this?

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Boyfriend Looking Outside Women

How do you feel about it?

I'm asking for your gut reaction, your first take—no, wait. Maybe I'm asking for your second take. Set aside the possible betrayal, the sneaking around, the hookup app. Just for a moment, BLOW, just as a thought experiment.

What I want to know, BLOW, is how you feel about being with a guy who appears to be at least a little bisexual—or, fuck, maybe not. Some straight guys will graciously accept "no recip” blowjobs from gay and bi men. These straight guys, I’m told, take a mouth-is-a-mouth position; they close their eyes while their cocks are in other dudes' mouths and think about all the women they wish were sucking their dicks.

Anyway, BLOW, how you deal with this depends on how you feel about it, i.e. how you feel about having a bi or bi-curious or heteroflexible boyfriend. So…

How do you feel about it? — Dan

I feel so betrayed. I thought we had a wonderful sex life. Is there something that maybe I could do to satisfy this curiosity? — BLOW

Well, if you're not sucking his cock, BLOW, you could start there—because, hey, if he's curious about blowjobs because he isn't getting them, getting them might go a long way toward satisfying his curiosity. (Most of the straight/heteroflexible men out there seeking no recip oral from gay and bi men claim they aren't getting their cocks sucked at home.)

But you say you have a wonderful sex life, BLOW, and I'm going to take your word for that—and I'm gonna assume "wonderful" includes mutual oral sex.

So what gives?

Before I go any further: I want to affirm your feelings. If he went through with this—if you two have a monogamous commitment (I'm assuming you do) and if he got his cock sucked by some dude (and the jury is still out on that)—then you were definitely betrayed. (I'm stressing those "ifs" because some people join hookup sites to fantasize, not actualize.)

It’s possible you do have a wonderful sex life. It’s also possible that he wants something in addition to all the wonderful sex he’s having with you—it's possible that what he wants isn't just a blowjob, but a blowjob from a man. That doesn’t make cheating on you okay; cheating is not okay—if, again, he cheated on you. Not everyone who joins a hookup site intends to do any hooking up. Some people just want the virtual strokes and ego boost that comes with being wanted by someone who doesn't have "wants me" in their job description.

That said, BLOW, most people who join hookup sites intend to hookup and the rest have at least contemplated hooking up. But if contemplating something makes us guilty of it... then pretty much everyone in a longterm relationship is guilty of first degree murder.

All that said, BLOW, you’re going to have to have a conversation with your boyfriend. Because obviously you are. But you need to into that convo with some clarity about what you want—besides him living up to the monogamous commitment he made you—and some clarity about how you feel about being with him if he's bi or bicurious or heteroflexible. Let's say he came to you and said, “I fantasized about messing around with a guy—I just want to get my cock sucked—and I wanted to know if that was something you would allow me to do?” What would you have said to him? How would you have reacted Could you be with a bisexual guy?

You need to separate the age-old offense (sneaking around; potential betrayal) from the shiny new fact you’ve learned (your boyfriend may be bi; at the very least he’s bi-curious and/or heteroflexible). Discuss the offense first, the new fact second.

If the shiny new fact is something you could’ve lived with or, hell, enjoyed—some women love watching their bi boyfriends get with other dudes—then the offense was unnecessary: he didn’t need to sneak around. If the shiny new fact isn't something you can live with, BLOW, then he isn't either. —Dan

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