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Hi Dan,

I have returned to the Roman Catholic Church and am considering a vocation.

You've been a critical part of my journey home to the Sacraments.

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I think you're missing from the Church and you think it's not worth it.

Also I'm loving celibacy but I had an invalid civil marriage to a sex worker and all my kinks we're part of the long journey, too.

Wanna talk about human dignity and the penance of Rome on your podcast?

Or over coffee?

We need everyone to come home.

Or maybe you want to save me? ;)

I love you.

Joe

It's not really a sex question... but it's definitely the most interesting letter that landed in my inbox today. (Full disclosure: That's not true; there were more interesting letters but I'm saving them for next week's SLLOTDs and next week's column.) Quickly...

I have returned to the Roman Catholic Church and am considering a vocation.

That's nice.

You've been a critical part of my journey home to the Sacraments.

That's odd.

I think you're missing from the Church and you think it's not worth it.

Missing from? Okay, sure. I was baptized and confirmed and I left. So I'm missing. But I don't miss the Church. And you're right, Joe: I don't think "it,
i.e. Catholicism, is worth "it," i.e. one more second of my time. Because I'm a grownup now and grownups don't have invisible friends.

Also I'm loving celibacy but I had an invalid civil marriage to a sex worker and all my kinks we're part of the long journey, too.

I'm happy to hear that celibacy makes you happy. But just as I don't assume the sex I'm having would make everyone happy, Joe, you shouldn't assume the sex you're not having would make everyone happy. Also: sex workers are awesome, civil marriages are real marriages, and my kinks > your kinks.

Wanna talk about human dignity and the penance of Rome on your podcast?

Ha ha. Nope.

Or over coffee?

Not even over my dead body.

We need everyone to come home.

The Church couldn't keep "everyone" at "home" even when the penalty for leaving the Church was death. So you might not wanna hold your breath.

Or maybe you want to save me? ;)

I'm gonna file that under "things make you go hmmm." I'm not hmmm'ing hard enough to wanna meet up in person and unpack that, though. Just hmmm'ing to myself here.

I love you.

No, you don't.

•••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••

That was weird, huh? So here are few more "It Got Better" letters to close out the week...

Responding to the comment that you never hear from couples whose sex life got better after marriage. I fell in love with a man that did not have very much sexual experience. After years of being with him without sex getting any better at all, even after trying to guide him, I had to make a decision of either getting married and having children with this man who in every other way was perfect, or leaving him and trying to start over in the dating world. I put off an answer to his marriage proposal for months (it was a very hard decision) and finally decided to marry him. I am very happy to say that sex after marriage just clicked. It was almost like he got more comfortable with me and is now trying new things and the sex is breathtakingly phenomenal every time. I am so glad I stuck it out and we now have two awesome kids. Just thought I would submit my story.

Listener from Portland

You asked people to write in if the sex got better after their marriage. Mine did. It took a lot of hard work, but I kept thinking about how much work it would take to cheat (he wouldn't agree to an open relationship), and I told myself to put that much work into my marriage. (We have two kids, so I was pretty motivated.)

The problem was, my husband consistently ejaculated before 15 seconds of penetration. Then he was so embarrassed, he shut down and couldn't continue touching me. He also left the bed if I started using a sex toy. His anxiety about this pattern caused him to want sex infrequently.

Here's what we do:

1. We spend a lot of time in foreplay, so I can often orgasm in those 15 seconds of penetration.

2. I consistently tell him how much I like having sex with him, like having him inside of me, and like being close to him. I focus on how nice it is to be close to him.

3. I work on healing my history of rape, sexual assault, and domestic violence.

4. I'm not entirely sure what he does in his personal healing work (this is one area where we give each other privacy), but I know my husband never blames anyone else for anything.

5. Frequently after sex, one or both of us spontaneously cries or shakes, and we hold each other. This seems to be healing, and we don't take it personally.

6. We do a lot of snuggling, kissing, hand-holding, and other PDAs in our home and out in public.

I have true agency in this relationship. My husband is incredibly caring about consent, asking me frequently if I am having fun. If I answer with anything other than an enthusiastic yes, he stops and holds me until I know what I want.

I can honestly say that I get turned on faster, orgasm faster, and in general have more fun with my husband now than in any other relationship. Sometimes I miss long sessions of penetration, but I don't miss the possessive objectification and violent boundary violations that went with it. I can be myself with my husband, both in and out of bed. He genuinely cares for me, and shows it through kindness.

If I could have a different life, and marry someone who is as caring and accepting as my husband, who also can have long penetrative sex with me, I probably would. But that isn't what I found when I was dating.(And I tried a lot of men, believe me.) I'm actually happy, and satisfied with my sex life. We've been together fifteen years and married for eight. At this point I expect us to stay together.

Love Outshines Violence Easily

I read your "It Got Better" column and wanted to write in. My marriage is full of sex!

We got married 11 years ago. On our second date we did ecstasy and mushrooms and it didn't take long for us to both admit we were bisexual, and had had sex with the same sex before we met. Today we have a very good sex life. I'm 51 and she's 46. I always make a note of when we fuck. It's anywhere between 6-8-10 times a month. We watch porn together. I love to download slutty bisexual threesome stuff MMF together with hands-free coming via e-stim, pregnant creampies, anal, gloryholes, etc. We also masturbate in front of each other. We enjoy oral sex, but I've never cum in her mouth. She has a dislike for that.

I think our sexlife is probably better than ever. We are very open with each other—but sadly we're not open to a third! Thank you for all your wonderful replies and pod casts!

N.C.

Listen to my podcast, the Savage Lovecast, at www.savagelovecast.com.

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