Hi, Dan. I'm looking for some advice. I'm 26 years old. Never had a girlfriend or even kissed a girl before. But a few months back I met a girl started dating and eventually having sex. Before her I used to masturbate a lot, like four or five times a day. Everyday. But since we started having sex she hasn't been able to make me come — or should I say, I haven't been able to come. She's doing all the right things but it feels like nothing. Maybe I've been desensitized to the "light" touch. I don't know. But it's really starting to bother her, even though I assure her it's not her, it's me. Do you know of any steps I can take to alleviate my ejaculate situation or any way I can calm and reassure her that her efforts are "valued" (for lack of a better word)?
K From Queens
What I told HARD about death-grip syndrome in 2012 applies to you...
The way you grip your dick when you beat off? And the way you allow your girlfriend to grip your dick? No more gripping your dick like that, HARD. From now on, whenever you masturbate, you're going to jerk it with a light touch and few drops of lube. And if you can't come using that lighter touch and a few drops of lube, then you don't come. At least for now.
Basically, HARD, you gotta cut your dick off — um, let me rephrase that: You gotta stop serving up the kind of stimulation your dick has come to expect — the death grip — because the only way your dick will ever come to appreciate the subtler and damper sensations that vaginas provide, HARD, is if you give your dick no choice. Give your dick what it's used to, HARD, and your dick will be forever dependent on it. Drive your dick (and yourself) to desperation, and your dick will find new ways to get off. Your dick will adapt.
...as does what I told ABF in 2003...
You'll have to swear off the death grip forever, ABF, if you want your dick to respond to more subtle sensations. When you jerk off, use a light touch and let it take as long as necessary — and it may take a while. When you're with a woman, fuck her brains out and when it's time for you to come — the moment you're used to taking matters into your own hands and finishing yourself off with the death grip — force yourself to use her body or her mouth or her pussy, or, if you must use your own hand, use that same light touch you've been practicing with when you beat off. If you don't come, well, tough shit, you don't get to come. To avoid giving the women you're with complexes, warn them in advance that you're trying to retrain your dick. While this approach may be frustrating in the short run, in the long run only this approach — a light touch, a firm resolve, and consistent denial — will kick your dick's dormant nerve endings into gear.
Or it may not.
Your problem may not be fixable, ABF, because your dick, after 30 years of abuse, may be too far gone. If that's the case, you may have to accept your fate, adjust, and deal. Fuck your girlfriends until they're satisfied, then pull out, use the death grip, and when you've reached the point of no return, stuff it back in her. If your girlfriends complain or develop complexes, ABF, you can accuse them of enforcing a sexist double standard. There are lots of women out there who can't come from vaginal intercourse alone. Most women, in fact, require more intense, focused, clitoral stimulation — oral, fingers, vibrators — in order to get off. And according to my dog-eared copy of Sex Advice Columns: Standards and Practices, I'm supposed to come down like ten tons of shit on men who make these women feel guilty about needing more stimulation than their dicks alone can provide. It seems to me that if women who require the female equivalent of the death grip (say, a Hitachi Magic Wand) aren't supposed to feel bad, then men like you, ABF, shouldn't have to feel bad either.
...as does what I told all the sufferers of death-grip syndrome who have reached out to me over the years: you're gonna have to retrain your dick.
Take full ownership of this — it is, as your said, your problem, not your girlfriends — but your girlfriend needs to resist the urge to make this about her. If she wants to be helpful, KFQ, if what she wants is for you to be able to come during PIV, PIA, or PIM, then she needs to give you the time (and stimulation) you're going to need to retrain your dick — and you're not going to able to do that if your girlfriend is anxious and upset that you aren't able to come with/in her right now.
No more masturbating with the death grip — subtle sensations only — and no more grabbing yourself toward the end of partnered sex and "finishing yourself off," as many men with your issue do. You're going to have to deny yourself orgasms and drive your dick to desperation.
Give it at least six months, KFQ, or, better yet, give it a year. If at the end of that time you still aren't able to come during PIV, PIA, or PIM, you may have to accept that this is how your dick works: sex feels great, partnered sex feels even better, the intimacy and connection are totally there, but you might be one of those guys who needs a little self-administered assist to push you over the top — like all those women out there who can't get off without the help of a vibrator.