We're a open couple in our 30s, and we do threesomes with bisexual guys. It usually goes like this: we find them on a swinger site or Grindr, text a bit for establishing mutual interest/screen for red flags, go for a coffee and then invite them to the boudoir. We don't do this very often, in part because guys who are interested in this are few and far between.

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Recently we got to the second point on the flowchart with someone we met online and agreed to meet for a cup of coffee. We work in the same area, and he picked a place. We were ten minutes late, but didn't find him there. We texted him, and he responded that he thought we bailed and left himself. I asked why he didn't call or text and asked whether we should wait for him, since the coffee shop was a five minute walk from where he works. He said to wait. Long story short, Dan, we waited for an hour, he checked in twice to tell us he was on his way, and then he blocked our number.

The next day Facebook, in its privacy-invading glory, suggested I add this guy as a friend based on my phone contacts! I looked through his profile. Turns out he's married (he lied about that) and that he works for a company where I have friends. I don't have a burning desire to out him to his wife or his co-workers — really, all we're out is an hour of our time and two overpriced cups of mediocre coffee. But I'm torn between wanting to tell him that this was not ok (my good angel) and wanting to ruin his day (my bad angel). Ruin his day, not his life, in a mischievous "spit-in-his-coffee-but-so-that-he-knows-who-did-it" kind of way. The point is, I think we should have the last laugh here, for our troubles.

How do I scratch this itch, Dan, without anyone getting hurt?

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This guy has already demonstrated that he's untrustworthy, underhanded, and into playing cruel games — it's one thing to stand someone or a pair of someones up, SUCKS, it's another thing to needlessly draw it out and humiliate those someones in the process. Telling you to wait and then leaving you dangling for another hour before blocking you? Asshole moves, for sure, and I can understand why you're nursing a low-key revenge fantasy.

But you and your wife are not assholes. You're not the kind of people who pull asshole moves and, quite naturally, you're shocked to be on the receiving end of this asshole's moves. And here's the thing, SUCKS: If you decide to retaliate against this guy — if you out him to his spouse (who, like Mrs. Kavanaugh, most likely knows her husband is an asshole) or get him in trouble at work or spit in his coffee and let him know it was you — odds are good he'll retaliate against you in turn. He's the asshole, remember, and like most assholes this guy probably has more than one asshole move in his asshole arsenal.

So let's say you arrange to spit in this guy's coffee and you let him know it was you who spit in his coffee and you let him know that before he takes a sip. (Before he takes a sip, SUCKS, because you don't want to get arrested.) Then what? Being the bigger asshole, SUCKS, this asshole is going to retaliate somehow. For instance... are you and the wife out to your friends, neighbors, and coworkers about being an open couple that occasionally has threesomes with bi guys? My hunch is you aren't, SUCKS, because most opposite-sex/straight-presenting open couples aren't out about being non-monogamous.

My advice: let it go, like the nice ice princess sings, block this asshole on Facebook and elsewhere, and forget about him. Getting flaked on and/or stood up by the odd asshole is unavoidable, SUCKS, whether you're a single person looking for someone, a couple looking for a third, a sex worker looking for clients, a pup looking for a handler, an ABDL looking for a mommy, a fisting bottom looking for a forearm, etc., etc., etc. It's annoying, yes, but hopefully all the great sex you've had (and will have) with bi guys who didn't stand you up makes putting up with the occasional asshole worth the trouble. Look on it as an unavoidable cost of doing screwing business.


Listen to my podcast, the Savage Lovecast, at www.savagelovecast.com.

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