Grab your candles, grab your kerosene, and maybe a good book—Winter is coming.
Grab your candles, grab your kerosene, and maybe a good book—Winter is coming. SteveMcsweeny/Getty Images

Hello, and welcome to The Long Night, The Eternal Doom, and the Endless Winter (do not confuse any of these with The Great Dying). It isn't here yet, but rest assured, its cold, dark fingers are inching toward us and inching us toward 15 (and-a-half) hours of night every day night.*

It's still technically fall, which means there's still daylight left to lose. In fact, there are approximately 5 (and-a-half) minutes left of sunshine ready to be gobbled up by The Dark™ before the winter solstice. That's on Dec. 21. You will recall that this was the date when the world was supposed to end in 2012. Life may have been simpler if it did. Now it just feels like it's ending every Dec. 21. Sometimes it's nice to be reminded of your own mortality. But, mostly, it makes you sleepy at 3:30 p.m.


To equip yourself for what is to come here are some tips:

1. Set multiple alarms in the morning. Day still comes even when light does not. This is an important mantra to repeat to yourself even when it's not related to winter.

2. Buy a happy lamp. Drink Sunny D (this is not an ad). Bet your friends which will give you more Vitamin D.

3. Learn how to make a stew. Electricity is a lie and technology is futile when it comes to battling the darkness. Embrace it. Learn to live off root vegetables and pretend the Bubonic Plague will snatch up your loved ones at every turn. It makes everything better.

4. Wear beanies. They keep your noggin warm.

5. Become a shut-in. What's it worth going outside anyway? Set up all your life needs (groceries, toilet paper, lubricant) to be delivered right to your door. Alexa is the only friend you need anyway, right?

6. Change your phone background to a photo of the sun to convince yourself it's not just a fever dream you had last week.

7. Be melodramatic about winter online.

8. Got a case of SAD (Seasonal Affective Disorder, not just the blues)? Tight. You got any good Netflix recommendations?

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Our remaining daylight hours are precious. It's easy to feel lethargic and to feed into that whole "hygge" nonsense as an excuse—you're not cozy, it's just terrible outside! To combat it, maybe pray or get duped into joining a new fad workout class. I don't know. The sun is out right now. It looks crisp outside, but pleasant. I hear the rains are coming. Snow in the mountains. The holidays are just around the corner too, they say. But I can't be certain. Can you? Be strong.


*Until further notice, and further seasonal changes, "day" does not exist anymore and will be hereby substituted for night.