I’m a 30-year-old heterosexual woman, no children. I grew up going to church 2-3 times a week until I was 21, when I cheated on and left my Christian husband, a man I started dating when I was 16 years old (right after my mom died). No one would have ever thought I would be capable of such cruelty, especially not me. We were together for a total of about five years. I left him after nine months of marriage. I left him for my current husband, a man who my best friend at work. I lost a large part of who I was and had to figure out what that meant for me.

I came to the conclusion that it happened because my first husband and I weren’t the best fit for each other. He was domineering and I was very submissive to him — so much so that I didn’t feel like I could be myself. But we never fought. When we had sex he wouldn’t finish until I had an orgasm, but sometimes I didn’t want it to go on that long and consequently I was never in the moment when we did have sex. I was just trying really hard to have an orgasm so the sex could finally be over. My ex-husband seems happy now, remarried with with two kids according to my Facebook stalking skills. He always wanted to be a young father and I’m very happy for him.

When I slept with my current husband it was the opposite. Sex was fast but extremely passionate. I have only had an orgasm from vaginal intercourse a with him a few times in the eight years we’ve been sleeping together. He’s handsome, but doesn’t get me wet when I look at him. He more makes me laugh. But I’m completely in the moment when we have sex because I love him deeply. Usually our sex gives me intense feelings and I enjoy it, but I don’t have a real orgasm during sex. He has to go down on me or use his hands to give me an orgasm. We are still best friends and are open with each other about our feelings. He’s probably one of the most understanding and supportive husbands out there. Any woman would love to have him, and I am so grateful for him and love him with all my heart. He has helped me become a much better person and realize many of my dreams. I want to grow old with him.

However, and perhaps it’s my age, but I’ve been talking to a much younger man in another country who I fell for really hard and really quick. I told my current husband that I have been talking to and have strong feelings for someone else. He told me he is OK with that, and that I could even sleep with him if I wanted to. I wasn't ever physically attracted to either of my husbands, but this guy turns me on so much. I can’t get him out of my head. I think I’ve thought about him almost constantly every day for the last four months. I’m going to see him in a month.

I don’t want to hurt my husband, and more than that, I don’t want that to be who I have become. Someone that just hurts people who love me and who I love. This young man seems to want more than a sexual encounter with me. He asked me to be with him. I’m not interested in having sex with people I don’t care about. I’m only tempted to have sex with people who I have deep feelings for. And this is the first time in our whole marriage I have been tempted. Part of me also wants to just leave it all and be with him despite my gut telling me I would end up alone in the long run if I did this. After all, he is very young and I’ve only known him for a short time. My current husband is a sure thing. He would do anything for me and stay with me until we die. I am sure of it. I just want to live and be free, but I can’t imagine hurting my husband and his family and my family the way I did before.

I’m used to hurting myself though. I’ve lived with pain my whole life, perhaps even become comfortable with it. I used to cut myself as a young teenager. Perhaps this is me not allowing myself to be happy as I have accomplished many of my life goals and am in a good relationship and finally convinced myself maybe I am not such a bad person. Or maybe I’m just scared about getting older and want to feel young, alive and desirable. I guess I already know the answer? I have to stay with my husband and tell my young love it can’t be? That will be my life. I don’t want that to be the end though. I think I’m a monster. I don’t want to hurt anyone. I find fulfillment in life by helping other people. Yet I seem to have a pattern of doing the opposite in my love life. Am I right? Would it be OK to have a passionate one-time fling with the blessing of my husband? Would it be the worst mistake of my life to leave? Thanks for listening.

Better Off Alone

There's a lot going on here — there's so much going on I hardly know where to begin, BOA, so you'll have to forgive me if my response is a little scattered.

That young man, that boy you've never actually met, that kid who "seems to want more than a sexual encounter," that guy you're contemplating leaving your husband for — needlessly contemplating leaving your husband for (more on that in a moment) — that young man could be faking an interest having more than just a sexual encounter with you. Men have been known to "seem" interested in more than just sex* in order to get sex and just sex. Women, bi-genders, a-genders, non-genders, and enbies too. Some of everybody sucks.

Now let's talk about your husband...

Your husband has given you the okay to sleep with this kid, BOA, and your husband is presumably aware that his wife is incapable of sleeping with someone she doesn't have feelings for. So your husband knows you have some nascent feelings for this stranger kid already and he gave you the okay to fuck him anyway. Which means your husband isn't framing this as an either/or choice, e.g. either you choose to be with him and forgo fucking/feeling this kid or you go ahead and fuck/feel this kid and choose to exit your marriage.

You're the one framing this dilemma as an either/or choice, BOA, a choice between the husband you have now and this young man you found on the Internet. (I'm assuming you met him online.) And maybe this kid is framing it that way too; maybe this kid has told you he wants you all to himself and couldn't possibly share you with your husband of eight years.

But I don't think your crush has framed it that way. If that kid had the nerve to issue a highly manipulative "me or him" ultimatum from the other side of the world, BOA, you surely would've mentioned that fact.

So you want to fuck this kid and he wants to fuck you and your husband has given you his blessing to fuck this kid. So if fucking this kid is something you really need to do to "feel young, alive and desirable," your husband is giving you the option of fucking this kid without blowing up your life — without leaving him, without getting another divorce, without throwing away everything you've built together, everything you've accomplished together, and the future you've imagined together.

When a person refuses to take "yes" for an answer — you're husband has given you a yes here, BOA, and you're not taking it — it's usually an indication that "yes" wasn't the answer they wanted. So why would you want a "no" instead? Why would you prefer for this to be a choice between your husband and this kid?

I have some therrts.

Maybe being alone isn't something you fear, BOA, but something you want. You went from living in a hyper-religious home to living with your very religious first husband to living with your second husband. You've never been single, you've never had your own space, you've never experienced the kind of privacy and autonomy most adults experience at some point in their lives. And so this young man from another country — someone you've never actually met, someone you may not like when you do meet, someone who could be lying to you about being single or being interested in more than sex or not being a dog — may turn you on not because of who he is, BOA, but because of what he represents.

And that's escape. That kid represents a way out, he represents freedom. Just like first husband did (he got you out of the house you grew up in) and just like your second husband did (he got you out of a marriage to a domineering, sexually-exhausting man). If so, BOA, that means you haven't become become different person, much less a "bad" person. You are the same person you've always been — a person with complicated and complicating longings, a person with regrets, a person with doubts. In short, BOA, a person like all other persons. But you're also a person with a particular pattern, and not an uncommon one, at least where love and commitment are concerned. You get into a long-term relationship, you make a commitment, and when you want out, you seize on some other person to make your escape.

Let me quickly qualify that: I can't tell you for sure that you're using dicks as levers to pry you from homes and marriages that have come to feel like traps, BOA, but it kinda looks that way from where I'm sitting. And it's definitely something you'll wanna unpack with a shrink before you end your marriage for the mystery meat behind Door Number Three. Because if what you want you really want is freedom, BOA, then going from man to man to man — using all those dicks as levers — isn't going to free you. In a few years time you'll start to view that kid from another country as just another trap.

And I have some therrts about this...

I’m not interested in having sex with people I don’t care about. I’m only tempted to have sex with people who I have deep feelings for.

...are you sure about that? If you were brought up in a faith that pushed retrograde/bullshit/misogynist attitudes about female sexual desire (and precious few don't), BOA, then you were told again and again and again that good girls don't and don't wanna. Good girls and decent woman don't get horny and they don't wanna fuck coworkers just because or strangers they don't actually care about. Bad girls do that sort of shit. Bad girls have sex because they're horny, bad girls have sex because they enjoy it, bad girls have sex because they met a cute stranger on the internet and wanted to get on on his dick. If you swallowed this shit — if you believed and still believe that good girls only have sex because they have strong feelings for someone — then you're at risk of subconsciously rounding every fleeting infatuation up to "deep feelings" in order to avoid feeling like a "bad girl" who ought to be ashamed of herself. That's another thing you might to unpack with a shrink.

And, finally, a couple of therrts about sex...

You seem to regard the fact that you don't come during vaginal intercourse with your second husband as an indication that the sex with him isn't as good as the sex you had with your first husband. Because you aren't having "real orgasms," by which you aren't coming during PIV intercourse. While your first husband would take your pussy hostage and pound away at it until you came, your second husband "has to" go down on you or use his hands to get you off.

Most women — the widely-cited estimate is upwards of 75% — can't come during vaginal intercourse. Most women need additional, focused clitoral stimulation before, after, during, or in place of vaginal penetration in order to come. Which means you're a perfectly normal (female) person in this regard too, BOA, and sex with your second husband doesn't compare unfavorably to sex with your first. Indeed, it sounds like you enjoy sex more with your second husband — you're more present during sex with him, because he doesn't turn every sexual encounter into a grim slog on the way to your orgasm — but you're convinced there's something wrong because your orgasms rarely happen during PIV with him.

Not so — at least not necessarily so.

Being able to relax and enjoy sex and be present makes for a better sex life than being forced to have an orgasm every single time you have sex — orgasms under duress are rarely great orgasms. If you stopped regarding PIV as the gold standard for sex and orgasms both, BOA, you might come to see the orgasms your second husband gives you as just as good if not better than the orgasms your first husband inflicted on you.

* In fairness, sometimes people "seem" interested in more than sex because they are interested in more than sex. And if someone realizes after sex that they're no longer interested in anything more than the sex they've already had, it's impossible to know with any certainty when or whether they were lying.