These horses have the right idea.
These horses have the right idea. Motionshooter / iStock / Getty Images Plus
Tonight President Trump will make a nationally televised address to convince Americans they should back his plan to fund his racist border wall. Without a doubt this speech will be overflowing with lies and misinformation—if the thousands of lies he's made in the past are any indication. Unfortunately all of the major networks (including ABC, CBS, NBC, Fox, as well as CNN and Fox News) have agreed to partner with the president and help spread his propaganda, even after years of suffering his abuse.


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By the way, let's take a moment to remember that the major broadcast networks who agreed to carry tonight's speech, said "no way" when President Obama asked to address the nation in 2014 on the very same topic of border security. Why? Because they felt Obama's message was "overtly political."

I'll give you a moment to stop laughing/crying.

Networks—and lots of media sources—suffer from the same sickness: They loathe the president and his anti-media message, but are addicted to the ratings and clicks he provides. Sure, any one of them could make a stand and refuse, but that would mean forfeiting ratings to their competitors. This is why they are happily willing to swallow their pride and ethics to broadcast a steaming pile of racist, despicable lies. As of this writing, it's unclear whether or not any of the networks will provide live fact checking—but I wouldn't hold my breath.

While we may be powerless to stop Trump and the networks from trading handjobs, we can do the next best thing: When the show starts, actively do anything but watch it. Here are a few suggestions!

• If you feel the need to tweet, post pictures of puppies instead. #PupsNotTrump


• Watch Tidying Up with Marie Kondo on Netflix. Learn how to correctly fold your clothes, and say "thank u, next" to your lazy husband.

• Have you been to the mall lately? Visit Hot Topic to see what the kids are wearing and eavesdrop on their conversations in the food court. It's hilarious.

ROLLER SKATING. Goddamn it, roller skating is so fun, you guys. Tonight the "Adult Skate" (ages 21-plus) starts at 8:30 pm if you hate children as much as you hate Trump.

• Download and learn how to play Fortnite. Again, all the kids are doing it. (Note: The gamer tag "AssBlaster69" is already taken.)

• Go see The Favourite, which stars Rachel Weisz, Emma Stone, and the FAN-FUCKING-TASTIC Olivia Colman. You'll feel five thousand times smarter for watching this instead of Trump.

• Hate normal karaoke? Then try GGNZLA's I Hate Karaoke tonight at Pony.

• TRIVIA! Are you fucking seriously trying to tell me that watching Trump humiliate the country is more fun than Office-themed trivia? You really need to get your priorities straight.

• And as always, consult the absolute BEST entertainment calendar in town (The Stranger's Things to Do) for ALL the best Trump-avoiding events.

• Or this!


Thank you for reading this, and, lest I fall into the same trap as my other media family members, LET US ALL IGNORE TRUMP'S SPEECH AND NEVER SPEAK OF IT AGAIN.