I’m a late 20’s male and I’m struggling with my sexuality. Growing up I was always into women but was a slightly feminine boy/teenager, and had sex with a few women in high school/college. Then a few years ago I had sex with several men and enjoyed it. Now I’m not sure if I’m gay or straight.

Growing up in a blue collar neighborhood, it was always sort of a given that if a man was the bottom while having sex with another guy then he was obviously gay (due to him being the “bitch” while doing it with another guy—I don’t agree with such black and white definitions of sexuality, I just heard a version of this idea expressed SO many times). Now, after bottoming with a few guys, I almost have this gut level sense that I basically “need” to be gay given that I’ve had gay sex and was the bottom while doing so. It’s almost like a sense that being straight wouldn’t be being “true” given that I’ve been with guys.

Do you agree with this? I know I’m obviously free to “be whoever I want to be” but from a cultural or intuitive standpoint, would you say it’s true that once a guy’s been with more then one guy, and enjoyed it, then he’s either gay or in denial of being gay if he tries to say he’s straight?

Oy Vey

Did you enjoy sex with women? Do you still fantasize about women? Do you beat off to straight porn? Did you have to think about guys when you had sex with women or did women turn you on? — Dan

Yeah, I enjoy sex with women too. Jerk off to both gay and straight porn. Which is why this is confusing. I could literally be either/or. Sometimes I want to be the top with a woman, other times I want to be the bottom with a guy. Thanks so so much for responding! — OV

Have you considered the possibility that you might be bisexual? That you can want and have both? A guy can bottom for another guy without having to identify as gay. And guys can bottom for a women too.— Dan

Something about being bisexual feels... just wrong, I guess. Like I need to "pick a side." But that’s probably what I am. I just need to work on accepting myself as a bisexual male. — OV

Nothing wrong with being bi — and if you feel compelled to pick a side, OV, bisexual is a side. Get to work on accepting yourself as bisexual, because that's what you clearly are. — Dan