Ill miss you most of all, Earl Thomas, one of the greatest defensive units in the history of football.
I'll miss you most of all, Earl Thomas, one of the greatest defensive units in the history of football. Abbie Parr / Getty

The Seahawks had a pretty good season last year, all told. Despite low expectations coming in, they won 10 games and made the playoffs. But now that last season is just a flickering shadow, the NFL is reconfiguring itself through trades and free agency. And thus, we must say goodbye to many of the Seahawks that made last year so weirdly fun.

*cues up in memoriam montage music*

Sponsored
The Stranger has last-minute discounts to PNB, ACT Theatre, Neumos, and On The Boards this weekend. Grab tickets before they're gone!

Goodbye weirdly fun Seahawks.

Goodbye J.R. Sweezy. You were a pretty good Seahawk and won a Super Bowl. Then you left. Then you came back and helped the team make the playoffs. Now you’re gone again. You had a funny name. I’m glad we got one good final run together. You will be missed. Goodbye, Mr. Sweezy.

Goodbye Justin Coleman. You were a solid slot corner. You did more good things than bad. The Lions gave you a lot of money. Congrats on making that money. Capitalism creates a lot of suffering and inequality, but I’m glad that you are harnessing it for your own gain in this moment. Your job is dangerous! I’m glad you’re getting paid. Goodbye, Mr. Coleman.

Goodbye Brett Hundley. You were fine backing up Russell Wilson, I guess. I’m glad you never played any meaningful snaps for the Seahawks. Goodbye, Mr. Hundley.

Goodbye Shamar Stephen. I often confused you with Tom Johnson. You both played defensive line for the Vikings. Then you both came to Seattle. Now you both will once again play defensive line for the Vikings. You were fine, I guess? I don’t know. Say hi to Tom Johnson for me. Goodbye, Mr. Stephen.

Goodbye Mike Davis. You were okay. You ran better than all of our terrible runners two years ago who sucked at running. You ran competently, but slightly less well than our good runners last year. Now you will run in Chicago. I’m glad you got paid. I’m glad the Seahawks weren’t the ones to pay you. Why did we draft Rashaad Penny? Is this not the time to ask that question? Whatever. Goodbye, Mr. Davis.

Goodbye Sebastian Janikowski. You were old and bad at kicking last year. You’re not technically gone from the team, but the Seahawks signed Jason Myers to a huge contract to replace you. This is after they cut Myers last year to keep you. You were once great, but now, you are definitely less good than Jason Myers. Also, Jason Myers just got a stupid large amount of money. You once made similar amounts of money. I hope retirement treats you well, you weird old dude. Goodbye, Mr. Janikowski.

Some goodbyes are easy. All of those goodbyes? Easy. Will the team miss some of those dudes? Sure. Maybe. But there is not a single tough goodbye in the aforementioned bunch.

But now, we have to say goodbye to Earl Thomas.

*stops regular montage music*
*busts out Dashboard Confessional*
*cues up some rain*
*cues up some sniffles*

Goodbye Earl Thomas. You were one of the greatest Seahawks of all-time. You were the hardest working player on a team full of grinders. You were the linchpin of one of the greatest defensive units in the history of football. Your unique combination of speed and anticipation allowed every other Seahawk defender to look better. But we all know that you were the greatest amongst greats. You still may one day be considered the greatest safety of all time. The only thing that could stop you was your own speed, as your capacity to fly into other players at ludicrous velocities led to some bad injuries. Your fatal flaw was being too athletic for the human body to be able to fully accommodate.

*cues up more rain*
*it’s pouring that’s why my eyes are wet*
*YOUR HAIR IS EVERYWHERE*

When I look back on what we had, I won’t remember the injuries, though. I’ll remember the forced fumbles, the tip-drills, the sacks that great quarterbacks had to take because they were too scared to throw the ball within 20 yards of you. I’ll remember the hits where you came out of nowhere to hold teams on fourth down. When you come back to get your number placed in the Ring of Honor, I’ll remember how much fun it was to watch you play. I don’t want to say goodbye. It’s stupid that the Seahawks didn’t pay you. You are uniquely great and utterly irreplaceable. But the Seahawks didn’t see it that way, and now Baltimore has paid you and you are gone. I’m glad you got paid. I’m glad you got paid by a team that isn’t a Seahawks rival. I’m glad you’re not a Cowboy, even though I know you love the Cowboys. I’m glad you’re not a 49er. I’m glad you didn’t burn every bridge on the way out the door. I’m still sad. I hope you’re happy. I’m not. But that’s life. Sometimes you’re sad in life. And I’m sad right now as I say goodbye. Goodbye, Mr. Thomas.

*so much rain*
*I’m soaked to the bone*
*why can’t I stop crying?*