uh, doesn't weed only affect the brain? Like, all that's happening is THC is entering your bloodstream, being transported to your brain, and binding with cannabid receptors, right? The vagina, like your butt, between your toes, your lungs, and nose, has thinner walls to access the bloodstream. That's the only reason it works. Body parts can't get high.

@1, smoking vs ingested weed is a very different feeling, I don’t live in a legal state but I’d love to compare with vaginal weed

vape is also different from smoke, i’ve been able to source a cartridge but so far no lube, Id be embarrassed to ask my person

Pain with penetration is only one potential symptom of a pelvic floor disorder, another godawful one is feeling as if you have a Urinary Tract Infection all the time. You'd think it would be easy to figure out, right? Nope! I suffered for several years, saw at least 7 urologists, underwent so much testing (some of which I had to be heavily sedated for because of PTSD, caused by some... very, very bad medical trauma, which nearly killed me), tried medication after medication. The last resort would have been exploratory surgery, but I got recommended to one last urologist, on the off chance she would see something they'd missed. Key word there: SHE. All the other doctors had been men (not uncommon, as there are less women in specialties, unfortunately). She diagnosed my pelvic floor disorder in less than five minutes. She prescribed a muscle relaxant suppository (...more on that in a sec) and a referral for some pelvic floor therapy. A few doses and a single PT appointment brought an enormous amount of relief- UTI's are no damn joke. I barely had the chronic pain caused by the medical trauma understand control and feeling as if I had a UTI all the time nearly drove me to suicide. Women should ABSOLUTELY NOT try to DIY pelvic floor therapy, though. There are multiple types of pelvic muscle disorders and the exercises aren't all the same. If you have one type and start just doing Kegels, for example, you could actually make it worse and cause permanent damage in the process. Find a doctor who will listen to you. Don't let them just dismiss you. They have a very, very bad habit of doing that with women (and POC. And anyone overweight. God help you if you're all three. That's not speculation, either, it's been proven). I take that deadly seriously, because it's actually deadly more often than you'd think.

So those muscle relaxant suppositories? They were vaginal, and it ONLY impacted the pelvic area, nowhere else in the body. (If taken anally? Then it would have.) So I'm wondering if weed lube would actually make it so she'd test positive? Not sure, just throwing it out there was a question.

If ever I am old enough and horny enough to consider a dude with political hot takes similar to "Definitely Heterosexual Horny 70 Year Old," please call Dr. Kevorkian.

I'm glad Dan addressed the weight issue. It's tiresome to keep getting the (wrong) message from everyone that weight doesn't matter and/or looks don't matter. And, holy shit, that person who is convinced either Dan Savage specifically or people in general follow young boys on Instagram? Holy shit projection much?

@1 cannabinoid receptors are actually throughout the body, so it's not impossible for topical application to have a local effect. Lots of placebo potential so you'd need a blinded study to distinguish.

Huh. "Compersion." Learn something new every day.

I do really enjoy seeing my partner having a good time, whether it's with me or someone else. Always have. And I, too, am not in any way interested in humiliation as part of my sex scenes, either causing it or experiencing it or witnessing it in others.

I'm not sure if all of my attraction to open relationships comes from "compersion" though. Instead, there is something I really do enjoy, which is being in a group of arbitrary size made up of men who are all very into every other man present, all very versatile and perhaps open to a few kinks, and who all lack any inhibitions or drama. As with improv, all suggestions are met with a "yes!" There's an energy that happens in such a group that is really intoxicating.

Not sure what the word for THAT kinda experience is. But I really like it!

To the reader who mis-acroyned KIW (Knows It's Wrong): If your boyfriend's hypogonadism is undiagnosed then how do you know he has it? And in case you're reading, how does this affect his sexual functioning?

Sporty @1: This article (first hit off google) indicates body parts can, in a sense, get high:
https://www.rollingstone.com/culture/culture-features/sex-marijuana-weed-lube-edibles-824216/

Corydon @8: Sounds like the word for that is orgy!

@6 I totally agree that looks and attraction matter (duh!) but would add what and who people are attracted to varies WIDELY, despite cultural messages to the contrary. It is breathtakingly presumptuous for the prof to assume these young women are basically unattractive to just about all straight men because of their weight. It's also plain stupid to assume that they need someone to tell them that they are fat. Trust me, they know. Girls, get out there after graduation and do your thing with confidence and you'll be fine!

@8 @Corydon I also experience compersion and don't think it is the driver for me in preferring open relationships. However, I think it makes it easier for me to see the benefits of open relationships because it replaces something that is often felt as negative (jealousy) with something positive (compersion). In other words, it removes a barrier. I've known lots of people who feel non-monogamous by nature but do not pursue open relationships in part due to fear of jealousy.

@8 @Corydon I'll add that I do understand some people experience jealousy as a positive thing, such as those who eroticize it in the context of cuckolding. But I think most people experience it negatively.

I had high hopes for that itchy ass video, and then it just... ENDED! Aaaaargh!

@10 I think it's even more silly to think that social mores will change during these women's reproductive years. Zaftig white women aren't going to bringing as many boys to the yard as some Kate Upton clone will. Maybe in 100 years the standard of beauty may have shifted in that direction (although it will still be a beauty standard that kills women, even moreso than today), but in the meantime, what should these women do? IMO everyone should lose weight if they have extra. I've never heard the story of "I was overweight, increased exercising and now I'm miserable"

@14: LOL considering that the average size of women in the US is between a 16 and an 18, and yet heterosexual romance appears to proceed apace, I think perhaps your assessment of who is calling whom to the yard is inaccurate.....

Well that's ten minutes I won't see again.

However, always suspected Boris Johnson had an industrial bottle-scrubber up his pompous upper-class ass.

@14 Then I'm guessing you haven't heard a lot of stories from fat people who have tried to lose weight. I have been railing against fat acceptance a lot but given that the overwhelming majority of people who try to lose weight make themselves miserable in the attempt and gain it back, it's understandable why some people choose to throw the concept of weight loss under the bus. It's not exactly a guaranteed happiness pill. Contrary to popular belief exercising more also has almost no correlation with weight loss. Overeating is an addiction and like any addiction it is a lifelong struggle for many.

True Lissa, though 16-18 is not obese.
I walk a lot because I don’t drive and live in a semi rural place. Only ten minutes to the train, half of that up a hill. Then if I shop out, it’s the backpack with groceries on the way home. I eat little, because my metabolism has slowed way down. I’m now a 16-18 depending on the cut, and enjoy the meaty body I now have, after being a slender bordering on skinny as a young woman.
Obviously something is going on genetically and environmentally as well as individually re this massive increase in obesity.

@17 it's a free lottery ticket. If you win, great. A life changed. If it doesn't work? Well then you're back where you started. I fail to see any downside.

@18: I'm with you, but you would be a US size 12, and I'm pretty sure that Sporty would consider a US size 16 or 18 ( sizes 20-22 down under) to be fatty fat fats.

As for the advice given here for the reader who may or may not—theoretically—be a pedophile: “It's not too different than amputee fetishists looking for their physical ideal.”

Unfortunately it is. From what I learned pedophilia is very different than an amputee and most other fetishes, since the power dynamic is an integral part of the hit and in this case obviously illegal and extremely unethical.

I thought the same Dan, by seventy a person must have enough experience to know what is what. Another letter from a douche.
Spare us the details, who wants to imagine old people fucking. And I’m one of them.

Agree CMD. However adults look re body hair etc, they are still adults.

Re @22; correction:’ imagine other old people’
Power to you dude with your tongue and pills.

Last Comment, I've actually been reading your comments against fat acceptance with some interest but now I am confused. Previously, you were against HAES because they discourage weight loss, now you are admitting that exercise is not correlated with weight loss. I have not looked deeply into HAES, and I thought the basic premise was to develop healthy lifestyle habits like exercise and making good food choices to improve health, rather than to lose weight. I'm not saying that losing weight can't also be beneficial for health, but if a fat person eats healthier and starts exercising regularly, even if they don't lose weight they will still be healthier than if they didn't do those things. Many times exercising because you have to in order to lose weight and hating every minute of it is self-defeating, while finding activities you love and doing them because you enjoy them and recognize that your body deserves to be taken care of no matter what size you are is a great way to develop lasting healthier habits. The same thing with food. Eating right because you value your body and want to take care of it is more likely to result in a healthy relationship with food than constantly restricting yourself on some diet. If someone becomes healthier, possibly even healthier than their thin counterparts and doesn't lose weight (or does lose some weight but is still fat due to genetics or whatever) despite exercising, eating healthy, etc., then what exactly is the problem?

Finishing the story / @26 myself:

His library was gargantuan. Getting blown surrounded by thousands of the world's greatest ideas... instant FWBs. Then he disclosed: Republican, GWB era. Buh-bye.

Re: compersion: It sounds like the thesis here is "The world would be a better place if people weren't jealous, and they wouldn't be jealous if they knew about awesome non-monogamous relationships." Neither of those things sounds correct to me. For one thing, "Experiencing something negatively" doesn't imply "shouldn't experience it." People get jealous for myriads of reasons within their infinitely complex and individualized relationships--and many of those reasons are very important, correct, and justifiable. Getting rid of the jealousy, even if it were possible, wouldn't magically transform shitty relationships into good ones. Second, people don't just get jealous because they aren't aware that joyful, healthy, responsible poly relationships exist. These days those relationships are becoming increasingly understood even by straight-up cis het vanilla monogamous types--but that's not the kind of relationship they (a) have or (b) want to have. Being jealous isn't their problem; being in relationships with people who don't respect their jealousy (and don't think they should have to) is.

@19 - Many times, obese people can and do succeed in losing weight. Strict diet, daily hours of exercise, yadda yadda. And then their discipline slips, or something happens to make them lose focus. Work stress, family illness, you name it. So then the pounds start to creep back in. And they tend to bring friends. They never ever end up 'back where they started'. It is a vicious and endless cycle. People who have been naturally slim most of their lives honestly have no clue and should really keep their gobs shut about it.

Jealousy can be burnt out I found, if you want to get past it. To do that, you have to sit with the feeling.
My ex and I lived separately yet a street apart. After we broke up, after thirty yrs of monogamy, after a couple of months he moved his new gf, a co worker, into his house. The house our family had shared, in the villiage where we were known. Because I knew I had to break the attachment with him, I needed peace, I sat or rather lay every night, forever it seemed, thinking of him fucking her just round the corner. Feeling the jealousy burn away.

Apologies to those people then, Delta35 @26.
I’ll refine my comment further, who wants to think of this douche old man who wrote a childish and rude letter to Dan, and his screaming gf, fucking.
Nice. A fellow book lover. Not many of us left, I don’t think. I can’t keep all my books out, haven’t the room. I’m often sorting to sell and trying to box them in catorgories, and I discovery gems. Books I’ve picked up second hand and not got round to reading yet. I love books.

If you have words to say to someone cbu, use the time you’re watching your feelings, to think of what you are going to say, without anger. Because both jealousy and anger are destructive emotions, and life is better having them gone.
Re being thin, that goes with these emotions too, at least for me. Since I’ve banished anger from my orbit in any intimate relationships, kids still get a bit lost but overall they are kind people, my body has relaxed and I’ve gained weight, though it stays steady. My health has been better, no winter anything. Intimate Life without anger in it is very blissful.

Anger and jealousy arise, in us, and they are telling us something. It’s how we respond, that we have control over. These emotions cloud the mind, so any action springing from them usually won’t help.

Have a look at any video/television show/newscast/documentary/movie from the 1970s and you'll be able to see what people used to look like and what they should look like.
But something changed in the 1980s. I was living overseas during the second half of the decade and part of the 90s. And each time I came back to the States, I was shocked at how people were just getting fatter and fatter.
It's not about people being more sedentary, because they still weren't at the time. It most definitely is because of the significant degradation of the food supply, and not just processed food, but all food.
I'm still living overseas. And every time I come back to the States, I gain weight. A lot of weight. Whenever I eat in the States, I feel like I need to eat twice as much just to get a reasonable level of nutrition (I eat organic/local over here). Food in the States just doesn't have much flavor. It's disturbing.
Even more disturbing is that, since high fructose corn syrup has been authorized over here (about 15 years ago), people have been getting fatter here too.

We who were young adults in the 70’s, were children in the fifties. We had no tv in every house, and kids got out in the streets to play.
The boys next door to me now, spend their leisure time playing video games.
It’s not only excessive weight gain, male sperm count is down, etc etc. The poisons used, on everything we eat unless you seek out organic non sprayed food. Cars’ exhausts in our faces all the time. The attacks on us, like on the earth, come from all over.

It’s not just video games, leisure time is spent on say Instagram, when a good book could be read. Life is too short.

@20 I think you’ll find the correct term is ‘fatty boom boom.’

Halloo @28/Cocky @29: Agree with both of you. Would the world be a better place without jealousy, arguably. We can surmise that it evolved to keep family units together. Is knowing that ENM relationships can exist a cure for jealousy? Are you kidding me? I am in several awesome non-monogamous relationships and I still feel jealousy from time to time. It can, as Halloo says, be rational or irrational. If I feel jealousy, I check myself -- why am I feeling this way? Is there a real threat or am I just being insecure? In the poly community particularly it can be frowned upon to admit that we feel jealous -- we are supposed to be "more evolved" than that (gag) -- and as a result, many times we don't want to admit, even to ourselves, that we're feeling jealous. Denial of those perfectly normal human emotions just means you don't deal with them, and they come out in passive aggressive ways. Best, as Lava says, to own your jealousy and deal with it on your own, but if you do feel there's a reasonable basis for your jealousy -- for instance, your partner is neglecting you -- talk to them and tell them what you need to help you process these negative feelings.

@halloo @28 I don't think open or poly relationships are inherently "better" than monogamous relationships, even if they are usually better for me personally. My understanding is that many studies indicate similar levels of overall relationship satisfaction between those in monogamous and non-monogamous relationships.

I do think it's unfortunate that many people who readily accept non-monogamy better meets their personal needs choose to enter or remain in monogamous relationships and then struggle with monogamy or act unethically in meeting their desires. People do this for a variety of reasons, one of them being fear of jealousy in the context of a mutually open relationship. In that sense, jealousy or fear of jealousy feel limiting to me and that limitation feels negative to me.

"Looks matter" is a true statement. "Conventionally attractive people usually have an easier time getting initial dates" is also a true statement. Neither of these true statements are synonymous with "if an overweight person drops 20 pounds, they will have an easier time dating".

When people fixate on any specific variable (out of context and in isolation) and conclude that changing that one variable will likewise change their experience of an extremely complex situation, they are usually wrong. This is probably true only of extreme outliers. Like, if you are morbidly obese or very neuro-atypical or in extreme poverty or suffering from some chronic illness or a full foot shorter than most of your cohort, then you are probably correct that changing that one thing would dramatically alter your options and experiences. But unless we are talking about these extremes, then it's simplistic and reductive to focus on one variable since there are many variables at play here and there's not a scientific way to measure the way the parts work together to affect a whole. In real life, we aren't measuring tall against short or thin against overweight. We're measuring many variables (often subconscious) that add up to desirability- within a social context in which non-physical variables also matter. So it's absolutely true that a short guy with an outgoing personality would have an easier time dating if he were also tall. But that doesn't mean that the short guy has a harder time dating than a tall socially awkward guy for example. Likewise, we are pretending like the potential dates here are thinking like consumers- in real life they're also a hodgepodge of variables with their own individualized interests.

The general advice is the same for anyone- get out there more, learn social cues deliberately if they don't come naturally, try to look your best, cultivate interests and friendships, be deliberate in your lifestyle choices as much as possible, be healthy, etc. But fixating on weight in isolation is wrong-headed, and while I likewise think the extremes of fat acceptance is self-defeating and anti-science, they are correct that it's bullshit to put as much emphasis on weight as our society does and I think a lot of it comes from a desire to punish/judge people. The truth is that most Americans are fat and they are mostly dating and partnered and there are likewise plenty of thin and attractive people who are lonely, so there must be some other motivation as to why some folks enjoy focusing on weight loss / body shape. To me, a lot of it sounds like mean spirited "tell hard truths" "tell it like it is" bullshit.

@Tachy

I hope Last Comment reads your question and responds b/c I've been following their comments with interest as well and they know more about this than I do. I've never been overweight though I do fluctuate a bit in my body shape and athleticism depending on what's going on in my life and if I'm training for anything, and so I have some experience with the ways in which you can change/control your body through various practices. From that POV then, my criticism of the HAES folks is that a) it's not very scientific and b) it's self-defeating. The reason is that it is in fact possible to change/control your weight, body shape, lifestyle, etc through your own efforts - assuming of course you are starting with a baseline w/o any health problems. And being very overweight is a cause in many health problems as well as a reduction in physical abilities- the denial of this is bizarre.

However, this criticism of the HAES movement coexists in my mind with a criticism of the more mainstream views which are equally as flawed. For one thing, the fact that you can change your body shape through your own efforts and lifestyle choices does not mean it's so simple as just anyone doing it. It's more complex and includes all sorts of socioeconomic, mental and physical factors. Second, dieting is not the same as lifestyle changes- dieting is basically useless. People mix this up. What you describe is lifestyle changes, not diets, and they are harder to achieve and more effective for the same reason- they are more complex. Third, once you are actually very fat, it's much more difficult to lose it than it is to prevent yourself becoming fat in the first place. The way I think about it is this- if you notice you put on 10 pounds this year, right now is the time to work a bit to make sure you don't do that every year. It's easy to scale that back. Once you've put on 50 pounds, it's much harder, and those things add up year after year. I feel like the love-my-curves stuff normalizes the weight creep over the years when something as simple as cutting out cokes or taking walks in the evening can in fact make a difference. But acknowledging this and taking physical fitness seriously doesn't mean that a person who has ALREADY put on weight will lose it if they simply go on walks or stop having dessert- it's much harder to lose than it is to prevent, and you can't apply the same logic. Fourth, it is true that regardless of all of this, fat shaming is cruel and counterproductive. Fifth, being thin is likewise not synonymous with being healthy and there's a lot of bullshit or confused science on that side as well (the current controversy over cholesterol, the flawed emphasis on the harms of animal fats, etc). Sixth, most women will naturally have more body fat than the skinny celeb standard and it would be unhealthy for them to drop down to that.

Also I have not seen the research so I don't know how the averages or means span out, but I don't know that it's true that people were generally less overweight in the past. This is entirely personal and nonscientific, but to me, it seems like the past trend was that almost everyone was thinner when young then slowly put on weight in middle age and became a little fat then started to lose again when they were very elderly. Like when you look back at old videos and pictures, the 40 year olds all look very old and physically inactive- I can't remember any of my grandparents being physically active beyond short walks in their 50s. It was like you just accepted at a certain age that you were old and then acted that way and became plump and inflexible.

It seems like what's different now is the range- still there is the trend to put on weight as you get older, but now there are also so many people are overweight while young, so many who are obese, and so many who are physically active, even in pretty extreme things, well into old age. So when I look at my grandparents' generation, they all looked roughly the same body shape- very thin when young, plump but not obese when middle aged. When I look at my own, there is a range from extremely fit athletic people to morbidly obese people with everything in between.

What I mean is, obviously it's true that people are generally getting fatter, but it likewise seems true that a minority of people are getting much fitter much longer into life- sort of a morlock/eloi situation rather than a general trend of people only getting fatter.

My older sister is obese. She was always a heavier body type as a girl, different to we other three. I sense with her all that body mass is a kind of armour, as well as she’s dealt with chronic illnesses for years by staying in bed, a lot of the time. The medical profession don’t help, because as she gets sicker they heap more pills on her. Like I said, we are attacked from many sides.
I don’t remember seeing very obese people around in my youth, EL. Not like today.

Yes lots of people are keeping fit longer. Walking though is a basic exercise. Outside, in the trees. Walking moves the bodily functions along, and the trees sooth the mind.

Whichever way these capitalist inspired health issues are addressed, placing shame on individuals will only lessen any motivation they have. I’ve seen videos of big women being physically skilful. People need to love themselves as is, and continue to strive for improvement. That’s on all of us.

cbu @29: I think the first strategy to deal with negative emotions is to acknowledge these are one’s own feelings. Life experience, patterns, make us, so we start off taking responsibility for the feelings happening in our body.
Then we acknowledge we don’t own anybody else.
After which the self discussion begins.
Is this behaviour I’m seeing, something to really worry about. Like one sees a partner laughing with a pretty woman, and bang, jealousy can rise. Here, it’s best to watch the feeling go.
We don’t have to be slaves to our feelings or our thoughts. Our mind is very powerful, if we use it to look at all the aspects, and then respond. If you have time of course. Someone coming at you with a weapon, no time to think.
If the behaviour of the other person is suspect, given the type of relationship you have both agreed on together, thinking here is more important. Because you’ve got right on your side.
You can still say your piece to others, with force, with hurt, with vulnerability and not be driven purely by the jealousy or anger. Because you’ve stopped and looked at the situation first, and you are not frothing at the mouth. Unfiltered jealousy and anger are unattractive behaviours.

cockyballsup @41 re talking to a partner about feeling neglected.

I think there are ways to bring these feelings up that work better than others. I try to do a bunch of processing on my own before I bring it up with my partner. And I use that alone time (in part) to brainstorm about what changes I think could help me feel better AND are realistic to ask for.

Asking him to see less of his gf or to stop doing certain activities with her -- that's a non-starter.

But I've had good results planning a couple of fun date ideas and then asking him if he'd like to do one or both of them with me. Also asking for a regular cuddle date to watch a show together. And bringing up sexy ideas for us to try in bed, especially if they have something for both of us to look forward too, and if I send him some sexy images to accompany the proposal.

I guess what I'm saying is that if I can get out of my own head (and insecurities) enough to present myself as seductive, I get his attention. That works better than hoping he can reassure me that I am sexy when I come to him with my insecurities front and center. (I do, sometimes, and he says sweet things, but it doesn't go anywhere sexy -- because I led with my insecurities.)

@cockyballsup, In my experience as a het woman, recognizing feelings of neglect or resentment, thinking on them long enough to isolate what is causing them, and requesting a concrete action from my spouse generally has a favorable outcome. I don’t generally tend toward insecurity though, and my husband is old enough to know that yeah, life happens and sometimes we don’t focus on each other enough. I think the way it is presented matters. If he says, “I’m really feeling down. Would you please do x for me; I feel so loved when you do” I absolutely will. If he comes across as demanding or insensitive to other things I have going on I will likely say no or possibly do it but resent it. Is it generally different for gay guys, or is it individual variance and possibly the length of the relationship?

@EmmaLiz, I take the love my curves stuff as saying that if you are already fat, you aren’t going to make any positive changes by hating yourself. I did not start with baseline health, and due to medication got very fat while exercising several hours a day and eating clean. I became disabled, was eating crap, but changed medications and lost 50 pounds. On my current meds about 15 has crept back on but I’m very aware of it and trying to halt it. Even with the weight loss I am fat, but beating myself up over it just makes me depressed. The thing I think many people are missing is that fat acceptance is aimed first at people who are already fat, because you don’t need a scientific study to know that people do better when they feel better. It’s also aimed at social attitudes towards fat people, because since when does someone have to be healthy to deserve respect, get adequate medical care, etc.? I don’t see it targeting people with a little creep at all. Like I said in my previous post, it encourages people to make those healthy lifestyle changes for their own sake, which is more complex but also more sustainable and is correlated with better health outcomes than doing things for weight loss alone. And those people gaining the extra ten pounds a year will also benefit from accepting themselves and adopting better habits from a place of self are because the detrimental effects of that focus in weight aren’t limited to people who actually ARE obese.