Recent Savage Love Letters of the Day: She fucked the mutual friend who introduced them before they got serious—does she have to tell him? She came out to her homophobic parents and those assholes threw something I said in her face—and she's pissed at her parents and at me. Her mom asked where she was going and what she was doing—and she made the mistake of telling her. She tried to tell her conservative parents she's poly—with a kid on the way, should she try again? And, as always, last week's column and Savage Lovecast.

First up, a woman who wasn't having much luck with buttsex—and wasn't experiencing any pleasure—wrote back with an update:

The Music Always Matters
No matter what, KEXP is here to help with music and community. Join us at 90.3 FM and KEXP.ORG.

I wanted to follow up on this letter I wrote last year. I showed my husband your response to my letter and he took your advice to drop any penetration attempts and switched to external stimulation. I also took the comments provided by your readers and I added some pot and anal play (eventually including penetration) to my private jill-off sessions. It took a few months, but over time I retrained my brain to associate backdoor play with orgasm instead of pain. He didn't know I was doing any of that so he resisted when in the middle of having sex I grabbed the lube and switched him from front to back, but I was so horny and eager to share it with him that I had a whole body orgasm right after he entered me! Your response was exactly what I needed to get rid the pressure I was putting on myself, but I also wanted to give a shout out to the people who posted comments that helped me work up to it in private at my own pace. I think I might actually enjoy anal now more than my husband does! Your readers provide as much great advice as you do—and I mean that as a compliment!

I've said it before, I'll say it again: Savage Love is one the few places on the Internet where you should always read the comments. Thanks for getting back to us, BUTT!

A follow up question about my response to CREEP, the woman who was thinking about reaching out to an old CL hookup via his work email:

I'd like to ask the question that CREEP should have asked. I'm also a fat woman who spent her 30s coming to term with her body and then found some amazing one-night stands and FWB on Craigslists. What do I do now that CL is gone?! I've tried dating apps but I don't get anywhere near the quality of guys I met on CL. With CL I could write an ad that described exactly who I am and what I was looking for in the moment and I'd quickly get tons of responses. Most were creepy, but because of the sheer number I'd get a few that seemed viable and I'd chat with them and pick one. I met some amazing men this way, but through the dating apps I don't get as many responses and the ones I do get are the creepy ones. Where did all the good CL guys go?

CREEP has been using Doublelist. She also mentioned finding many of the same people at DL that she used to at CL. I cut that detail from CREEP's letter because I know nothing about DL and didn't want to endorse it—so, like, caveat emptor/scortum, okay? (I am, of course, using scortum here in the sex-positive sense of the term.)

Regarding my observations about clitful vs. dickful thinking in that same column...

In your response to CREEP you said this:

Clitful thinking may be rarer than dickful thinking—women being less likely to think with their genitals and/or being more risk-averse due to socialization, slut-shaming, and the ever-present threat of gendered violence—but it's not unheard of....

There seems to be a rule these days that if you are talking about a behavioral difference between women and men, you must, in the same sentence, assert that the root cause is taken from an approved list. The list must include socialization, but must not include biology or hormone levels. You are probably right that “clitful thinking” is less common than “dickful thinking." As for the reasons... who knows? Who cares? These CYA clauses are unscientific, irrelevant to the matter at hand, and tedious to read.

CREEP herself also wrote back...

Thanks for answering my letter. You're right (and you're also right that I knew you were right before I even sent the email). I think I just needed to write it out and send it to someone to get the persistent idea out of my system. This guy was super cool and he doesn't deserve his super-coolness to be repaid with behavior that I would not appreciate if it were directed at me. So, thanks for the clarity and the reminder that "clitful thinking" (my new favorite term!) is a recipe for disaster, rejection, and tarnishing some very nice memories. You made another good point: the whole point of NSA casual sex is the excitement of meeting new partners. If I want to fuck the same dude consistently, I need to start searching for a FWB (or, I guess, a boyfriend). But as long as I'm still enjoying the freedom and variety of my current situation, I have to accept that most of my encounters are going to be fairly ephemeral. So, in the spirit of joyful debauchery, I have plans tomorrow to fuck a very nice man in a bookstore and next week I'm scheduled to fuck three very nice guys in a yoga studio. Both experiences involve guys I've played with before, which is a good reminder that the world is full of lovely men who like to have sexy fun times. No need to track down (and potentially freak out) anyone, regardless of how good in bed he is. Thanks again! (And now you can sign me... No Longer A Creep)

Regarding my advice for Woman With A Secret:

Longtime reader here. I was just reading your response to the woman who wasn't sure if she should tell her new boyfriend about the sex she had with the friend. As I was reading your response I found myself thinking: You can't keep a secret like that from a partner! And then I realized something big. Some of us are literally not able to trust ourselves to keep secrets from lovers because we talk in our sleep! I always wished I could be a spy like on The Americans but I can't because once I'm asleep I never know what's going to come out of my mouth. If there was one big thing I knew I couldn't tell my partner, that's exactly what I would blab in my sleep. It's funny to think that we all don't share this quality!

Funny to think? I'd say it's a relief to think we don't all share this quality have this curse!

Remember last week how I said no ones uses condoms when they're sucking dick? Turns out no one uses dental dams when they're eating pussy either.

Regarding a call on the Lovecast from a woman who was annoyed when her hookup didn't want her to spend the night:

I agree with Dan that she can say upfront whether she wants to stay over or not, and if it's late the other person should definitely remark, "Hey, I got an early morning," or, "I don't get good sleep when someone stays over." That said, annoyed to hear the attitude from caller and Dan that "it's the least you can do" or "if you're nice, you'll invite them to sleep over." That's the attitude of someone who sleeps well in general and probably doesn't grapple with much anxiety around sex and hookups. I already don't sleep well and have to prioritize "sleep hygene" to maintain my mental health. I can't sleep with a stranger or newer partner in my bed. It fills me with anxiety, I'm not comfortable, and it makes me like the person next to me less. Furthermore, I have hooked up with people, and said this nicely beforehand and in not so many words, and then either I try to leave or hint it's time for them to go, and their feelings are still hurt. I swear, some people think sex doesn't count unless they get to conk out next to you for 8 more hours while you lie sleepless next to them.

Here's an idea: schedule sex with randos and other people you don't know well (yet) in the afternoon maybe? (I say this as an insomniac and a light sleeper myself!)

Regarding the gay guy who called the show to ask if the gays should press for reparations, like African Americans, and be given our own homeland/nation-state, a la the Jews...


I think your response to the guy asking for reparations was spot-on but I was a little disappointed that you didn't address his belief that there should be a homeland for homosexuals based on the State of Israel being created as a Jewish state. I know that anything dealing with that stretch of land is a political hotbed (and has been for millennia) but when push comes to shove the Jewish people belong to an actual genetically identifiable nation who were forcibly removed from their homeland. (The OG diaspora!) While the process that got Israel created was obscene and the government has often been monstrous (as have Palestinian leaders), the attitude that, "Hey, if they get it so should we," is as anti-semitic as the suggestion for reparations was racist.


The Savage Lovecast: keep content creators company and bowels regular since 2006...

Hi Dan, Love the show!! It helped keep me company during all nighters editing this. Keep being awesome!

Congrats in advance on that Grammy!

Some praise for a response on the Lovecast...

I want to congratulate you for your calm, respectful, and reasonable approach to the caller who wanted to blab about the affair her aunt was having to their entire family. You successfully enabled her to come to her own conclusion about how her plan could possibly be doing more damage than good. Also you allowed her to see for herself that her desire to talk was more out of a need to gossip and judge than to assist the people who are actually effected by the situation. I'm a social worker and I was extremely frustrated and I know I only wanted to just yell: 'Mind your fucking business already!" (MYFBA?) In any case, great job, that is really the best approach to giving advice: let people come to their own conclusions about the consequences of their actions, don't just list the many reasons why they are being a selfish dumb ass.



And finally...

Thanks, Ella! Okay, we're going to leave the week there. Hope everyone has a great weekend and we'll see you Monday...


Listen to my podcast, the Savage Lovecast, at www.savagelovecast.com.

Impeach the motherfucker already! Get your ITMFA buttons, t-shirts, hats and lapel pins and coffee mugs at www.ITMFA.org!

Tickets to HUMP 2019 are on sale now! Get them here!