Recent Savage Love Letters of the Day: Does my potential kinky casual hookup need to know I'm married? Dude's desire to blow up his balls blows innocent dude's mind. Should she dump the amazing man who helped her get on her feet? We want to hook up with a friend but not his husband and they only "play together." Is there a workaround? And, as always, last week's column and Savage Lovecast.

First up, it turns out there is a study about that...

A caller on the podcast stated that she was turned off by her boyfriend/husband’s failure to do housework and you opined that there were no studies on the question of sharing of household duties and intimacy/sex. Here’s one—but it's one that has a different outcome than your listeners might appreciate!

The married-and-pregnant LW who was afraid to tell mom and dad she's poly (and that her roommate is her girlfriend) wrote back...

Thank you, Dan. Thank you SO much. You (and my girlfriend, who gave me a 30 second phone call pep talk right before) gave me the push I needed to go ahead and do tell my parents while they were visiting me this week. It went better than I could ever have imagined. So much so that I feel a little guilty for doubting that they could love poly me for all these years. And you were right: They had already pretty much guessed everything, they were just in willful denial about it. They aren’t thrilled about any of it, but they assured me that they love me no matter what, and they want to meet our partners, and they’re GLAD I have so much love in my life. Fuck, I’m crying again. Keeps happening. I think I’m probably the luckiest person on earth. This was the last bit of me that was in the closet, and I feel so free. Thanks again.

Discussed vasectomies on the Lovecast this week with Dr. Landon Trost from the Mayo Clinic—how safe they are, how simple the procedure is, how easily reversed they are—but a listener reminds us that individual results may vary...

Just listened to your latest Savage Lovecast Episode 655 and I wanted to add something (anonymously) to the discussion on vasectomies. I got a vasectomy at age 36 because I never wanted to have children. I was in severe pain after the surgery and over time was diagnosed with post vasectomy pain syndrome. I had a reversal after three months in an effort to end the pain but after another three months I am still in pain, and have now been on various pain meds for six months. There appears to be a much higher percentage of men affected by PVPS than is commonly acknowledged, and it would be good to hear that being mentioned on your show. Take a look at http://postvasectomypain.org to get an idea of the scale and severity of the issue.

PVPS effects one out of every 1000 men who get a vasectomy. Here's an article about its causes and treatment. It sounds awful and I'm grateful to you for bringing it to my attention. I hope your treatment is successful and you're out of pain soon.

Regarding Deserves To Be Alone:

I'm reading your advice to Deserves to Be Alone and I'm struggling to parse it. People are not "obligated" to disclose Herpes because it's no big deal and, like, most people have it anyway; or it's a cruel and unfair burden because of the associated social stigma? Which is it? Every person Deserves to Be Alone infected because she chose not to tell them about her status is now in the same situation that she's lamenting. They will all likewise be forced to either disclose and risk rejection, or not disclose and feel guilt, for the rest of their lives. If I were infected by someone who didn't feel "obligated" and I had to deal with sores and risk infecting my intimates for the rest of my life, I would be really fucking pissed. I don't believe I've ever disagreed with you so strongly, in 25 years of reading your column.

Another readers rises in defense of not getting herpes:

As someone who adores reading your usually insightful advice I was unpleasantly surprised by how casually you wrote to someone who did something objectively unethical and inconsiderate. I understand the stigma against herpes, and I don't think that someone is lesser for having it. Yet you claim that DTBA wasn't "obligated to" share that she had herpes with her partner. This is a really unhealthy and dangerous idea. Both you and the herpes experts talk about the psychological toll that herpes can have. That's why it seems almost paradoxical that DTBA gets a pass for really insensitive and dangerous behavior that put someone else at risk of contracting an STD. It doesn't matter how many people have herpes, this kind of attitude is dangerously unhealthy, and spreading herpes is arguably worse than spreading an anti-herpes stigma. Again, I'm not shaming those with herpes. But they need to be an adult and be transparent of their disease and it is a very legitimate deal-breaker for people.

That column inspired at least one person with HSV to disclose...

I've been reading your column my entire adult life. I'm an almost 30-year-old woman and just got engaged to a man I've been with for over a year now. I also have oral herpes with very infrequent outbreaks. (Years between them.) Since I had my first cold sore in childhood, it somehow never connected to the concept of STIs and disclosure in my mind. I never hooked up with a sore but assumed no one cared about lip blisters. I should've been thinking of myself as someone with herpes, someone with something to disclose. I have friends with other STIs and fought against stigmatizing them but honestly considered myself STI-free. It hit me hard reading the column and comments. I'd talked about STI tests with my partner but not HSV, which of course is often untested. I told him immediately. He took it as well as he could and, hey, the engagement is still on. I feel pretty lousy and depressed, but I am grateful this came up early on and not years in when I get my next flare up. Thank you.

Regarding Sad Horny Eeyore...

About the woman with the fantastic fiancee but lacking in sexual chemistry who is still searching for more... you completely overlooked the idea that monogamy isn't the only answer. I know, because I am this woman, in some ways. I have an amazing partner of almost eight years. He's supportive and loving and great. But... sexually... while I do enjoy that with him, he's just never really fit me passion-wise. It's not who he is. It's something we have struggled with this whole time. But one of the things that makes our marriage and relationship work, is that we are polyamorous. And I have had other partners who are wonderful in different ways, and DO fulfill me more sexually and I love and adore in similar and sometimes different ways. But I still love and cherish my husband. Maybe this lady's partner wouldn't be down with that. I think monogamy + sexual incompatibility is a deal breaker for long term relationships. But maybe they don't have to be monogamous and she doesn't have to pick.

Non-monogamy! Why didn't I think of that!

Actually, I have thought of that... and some readers think I'm too quick to suggest non-monogamy to sexually-incompatible-but-wannabe-monogamous couples. I didn't discuss it in my very long response to SHE because she ruled it out in her letter: "BTW: opening up my relationship with my fiancé is definitely not an option. He's absolutely against it." That made it sound like she'd already broached the subject and got shot down. So I opted to game out her other options instead. But non-monogamy! Also an option... but not always an option, as seemed to be the case for SHE.

Another reader reacts to SHE's dilemma and my advice...

Today's SLLOTD jumped out at me. You noted that, "I get very few (read: no) letters from people who made monogamous commitments to partners they didn't feel a strong sexual connection to and/or weren't sexually compatible with who are at peace with their choices." Because of course, why would those of us with no problem write in to you?

Just so you have a data point on the other side of things, I figured I'd speak up. My partner and I have been together ten years. My sex drive is higher than his and I like more chocolate swirled with my vanilla. I made the conscious choice before we moved in together (at year four) that significantly less frequent and adventurous sex than I would prefer was a price of admission I was willing to pay to be with him. I had the advantage of having been in a couple previous longterm relationships for comparison where the sex was hot and frequent, but there were other trade-offs. For me, personally, having a partner who meets my emotional/intellectual needs turns out to be more important than my sexual needs. I have fantasies, masturbation, and porn to supplement the latter, but when I had to seek the former outside my relationships... I was unhappy, my partners were unhappy, and the relationships ended. This relationship may end too one day—over sex, over something else—but today I am happy with the choice I made.

I think your advice to Sad Horny Eeyore was spot-on. If she were my friend coming to me, I'd also encourage her to listen and trust herself. She's talked to friends, family, therapists, etc. which is great. But at the end of the day we are responsible for our own choices, and we have to live with the consequences. What consequence is she willing to live with?

And a woman who once faced the exact same dilemma SHE's facing now wrote in...

I'm a bi woman in my 40s and I have the same "sorta" abusive family. I had the amazing supportive partner that wasn't a fantastic match in bed. I had the super hot friend that was interested in exploring mutual fantasies. I had the same choice SHE seems to be struggling with.

I let supportive partner go. I told them I wasn't good enough, they deserved someone who would love just them and be there for them 100% in ways I couldn't. The sex with Mr.Excitement (and a small cast of others) was good. It was party central for a while and there were times I felt so blessed, so heart achingly ALIVE, but then shit got real again. Some friends died, this lunatic took over the country, I got sad again. I stopped wanting sex at all. I was living with Mr.Excitement and without the constant hot sex he turned withdrawn and low-key abusive. He kicked me out and it was homelessness or going back to my family. I'm back with my family. They're still sorta abusive, just like they used to be, and a lot of the growth I gained in being sexually free is going away. And my ex? My supportive partner? He took my advice and had no trouble finding an amazing wife who is 100% into him as he is her. I'm happy for them.

I think the world we live in shows us these perfect lives where everyone has it all. Perfect lovers, perfect spouse a rocking sex life, and a houseful of wholesome, well-adjusted kids. It's all horseshit. Faked and photoshopped. My advice to SHE is to marry the supportive guy, get back into therapy to talk out your ways to cope with tame sex and develop a hot and heavy fantasy life with your vibrator, or whatever toys are going to do it for you.

Okay... we're going to leave it there. Have a great weekend, everybody, and we'll see you on Monday.

And Denver? I'll see you tomorrow night!