Im doing my best to keep up with live soccer for you!!!
I'm doing my best to keep up with live soccer for you!!! ELSA / GETTY IMAGES

12:00 P.M. PST

Hello and welcome to USA vs. Thailand live from France. I'm reporting to you from not-quite France which translates to Reinhaus in Seattle. It is very hot and I should have gotten here earlier because the best television viewing spots are taken.

Megan Rapinoe is wearing the captain's band today. My house-baked pretzel has just arrived and here's the kick-off. The U.S. has taken the ball into Thailand's half. There have already been two crosses in front of the goal. I think this is going to be the standard for this game with Thailand stuck on defense. And an all-hands-on-deck kind of defense.

12:05 P.M.

The first goal!... was just taken away. Center back Abby Dahlkemper served it in. It was knocked in by Morgan. And it was called off-side. No goal.

12:11 P.M.

Kelly O'Hara crosses it in and Alex Morgan heads it into the net.



12:20 P.M.

Annnnnd another U.S. goal! Off the left foot of Rose Lavelle.


12:22 P.M.

Honestly, I did not anticipate how difficult it would be to live blog sports. Shit. As I was typing that Megan Rapinoe took the ball up the left side, crossed it in, and it was knocked away by the Thailand keeper. Morgan tried to hit it in but it went over the crossbar. Is anyone else sweating? Just me?

12:30-ish P.M.

A penalty against Thailand resulted in another U.S. goal by Lindsey Horan off a free kick.


12:44 P.M.

I just checked my official FIFA WOMEN'S WORLD CUP APP™ and the U.S. has 80% possession currently. It shows. Tobin Heath just took on a Thailand defender up the right side and passed the ball right through her legs. That's why they call her the Nutmeg Queen. There was no score out of it but, whew, what a move.


Headed into two minutes of stoppage time before the half, Megan Rapinoe took a free kick. It was low and driven to Crystal Dunn. No goal. But the U.S. women are determined to keep it in the box. This is literally a fucking firing squad. Shot after shot. Props to the Thailand goalie for keeping her composure. I'm having war flashbacks to my high school soccer team who NEVER WON A GAME and had to play defense 90 percent of every game.

Half-Time!

Whew. What a half. I think the onslaught against Thailand is just beginning (a terrible sentence to read out of context). If Thailand can keep up this level of defense then maybe they can stave off an all-out blowout like they experienced at the hands of the USWNT in 2016. But... I don't think that's likely.

1:07 P.M

Rapinoe rolled away from her defender, passed the ball to Sam Mewis who striked the ball, it ricocheted off a Thailand defender and into the upper-v of the goal. It's 4-0, U.S.


Literally less than one minute later

Tobin Heath takes a free kick, flicked on by a teammates' head, and Alex Morgan hits it in. She's got two goals now. And the U.S. has five.


SHIT

Goddammit. I was writing that up and THEY SCORED AGAIN. Dunn dribbled it up. Lavelle tries for a strike, it bobbles, and Mewis hits it in.


Okay this is getting ridiculous

Another goal! I can't even keep track. Lavelle hits it in and then was subbed out. As was Tobin Heath. In comes Carli Lloyd and striker Christen Press.


Everyone is struggling to deal with this barrage of goals:


1:21 P.M.

Carli Lloyd is in and she is playing like she has nothing left to lose and everything to prove. I'm hoping one of these official soccer sports twitters will post her run soon because it was FUN. But who has the time when this game is happening so fucking fast?

1:26 P.M.

Ertz comes off and on comes wunderkind Mallory Pugh at 21-years-old. Pugh was only 18 when she scored a goal in the 2016 Rio Olympics.

Also: Someone on twitter has a stats visualization for you:


1:31 P.M.

Alex Morgan earns a hattrick. And now, at 8-0, this has become the most goals the U.S. has ever scored in a World Cup.

1:36 P.M.

AN INCREDIBLE COMBINATION OF PASSES. The play started from the U.S.' goalline and transitions from Lloyd up the field seamlessly to Pugh, who makes a leading pass right to Rapinoe who drives it in. The U.S. leads 9-0.
USA!

1:38 P.M.

And another! This from Dunn to Rapinoe who maintains control despite stumbling and navigates around how many defenders? Two I think. Then lays it off to Morgan who easily scores her fourth goal of the match and the U.S.' 10th.

1:42 P.M.

Morgan to Pugh for lucky number goal 11.


1:44 P.M.

This is just shot practice. Morgan just scored her fifth goal of the game. It's 12-0.


1:49 P.M.

A goal for Carli Lloyd! She slotted it with the outside of her foot. This is a big deal for Lloyd, the renowned world champion who scored three goals in the 2015 World Cup final against Japan and who has been delegated to a super sub for this tournament. She's intent on proving herself and it seems like it's working.


The final whistle was just called and jeez, what a game. Final score: 13-0. My editor, Eli Sanders, predicted it. I thought he was crazy. I'm sorry, Eli. The U.S. plays next on Sunday against Chile. See you then?