Anal: It Might Be a Nice Place to Visit But Does She Want To Live There?

My husband is really interested in anal intercourse. I’ve been curious, too, and we’ve been easing into it. So far, It’s not great, but it’s also not terrible. My husband is way more into it than I am. Getting to eventually have anal intercourse is a really big motivator for him. While I’m curious about trying it eventually, I could also live the rest of my life never having had anal and be completely fine. My worry, is that once we “get there,” once we’ve have gone all the way anally, my husband will really love it and only want to have anal sex from then on. This would never work for me. I can’t live the rest of my life only having anal sex. I’ve had two kids and I’m guessing vaginal intercourse just isn’t enough for him anymore. I don’t know, what do I do?

Feeling Insufficient

Before scheduling another one of those “easing into” anal sessions, FI, you need to have a long ass talk with your husband—in other words, you’re currently working the wrong end of your GI tract. It’s not your hole you need to open, it’s your mouth. Like Rachel Needle, psychologist and certified sex therapist, told women who wanna explore anal…

“Communicate your fears and expectations with your partner, and make sure that you are both on the same page about things like speed, depth, etc. Trust me, this is one area in which you do NOT want any surprises.”

Speed and depth—important considerations! (Protip: even the pros start out slow & shallow and work their way up to fast & deep.) Lube and lots of foreplay and plenty of anal play and pleasure and (most importantly) orgasms-with-anus-engaged-but-not-penetrated? All equally important. But what you need most right now, FI, is to have a conversation with your husband about the two issues that are currently eating you (and not in the good way): your insecurities about your post-childbirth vagina and your worries about his expectations if you two ever manage to “go all the way” anally.

While butts are generally tighter than pussies—so I’ve been told, so I vaguely recall—anal intercourse isn’t just about tightness. No sex act involving one or more human beings is ever about friction alone. And while you regard your husband’s recently expressed interest in anal as a negative (your post-childbirth vagina is somehow insufficient), FI, it could just as easily be a positive (your husband wants to keep exploring and growing with you sexually). I’m also gonna climb out on this very sturdy limb and suggest that your husband was most likely interested in anal long before you two had children—and if he’s anything like other men, FI, he has the browser history to prove it.

While it’s true that a woman’s vagina can change after childbirth, lots of straight men whose female partners haven’t given birth are just as interested in anal. So have a glass or two of wine and ask your husband to talk about what turns him on about anal sex. You also need to tell him—tell him—that you’re worried he’ll want nothing but anal if you manage to get there, FI, and that that isn’t gonna happen. I can’t imagine he wants that, but you’ll feel better if you tell him—tell him—that even if he does manage to fuck your ass one day, and even if you enjoy it, anal isn’t going to replace vaginal and/or oral because he can only fuck your ass with your consent and you won’t consent to having more anal sex than you’d like to have and you’re certainly not going to consent to only having anal sex for the rest of your life.

Another good sign: he isn’t rushing things. If you’ve been “easing into” anal, FI, then I can only assume your husband hasn’t been rushing you—which means you’ve been exploring without pressure to get there faster than you’re comfortable going. So far the results haven’t been great—but you say they haven’t been terrible either. (And rushed anal can be truly terrible.) Your explorations have left you feeling curious (or left your curiosity intact), FI. Another good sign. And while anal isn’t something you would’ve explored or initiated on your own, there are lots of people out there who enjoy anal, bondage, swinging, piss play, etc., not because it was something they always wanted to do, but because their partners’ interest sparked their own—and once they managed to “get there,” FI, they discovered they actually liked it there.

I’m not saying that will definitely happen for you, only that it could. And if you get there and it doesn’t do anything for you or you hate it, you don’t have to stay there or return there.