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I'm in a straight guy in a long term relationship with someone I love very, very much.

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I kissed an ex-girlfriend and feel unbelievably terrible about it. I didn't particularly want to but I was drunk and obviously lost all self control. The ex is the person I shared my first kiss with and if circumstances had been different then I think we could've wound up together but we just kinda drifted apart. She's a brilliant person and didn't deserve a drunken idiot messing her around like I did. So as well as betraying my wonderful girlfriend, I've also been a dick to this good person.

As with many/most long-term relationships, mine isn't the most sexually active, and I think as well as being a weak and drunk idiot, I was just happy that someone wanted to kiss me. But that's obviously no excuse and what I should have done months/years ago is to talk to my girlfriend about our lack of sex rather than get drunk and kiss someone else. I'm not trying to excuse my behavior at all. I'm well aware I am very, very much in the wrong here!

How do I make this right? If I tell my girlfriend she would be distraught and I'm 100% sure it would be the end of the relationship. If I don't tell her, she would avoid the pain of finding out what a terrible person I am but I'd be concealing something from her which is another shitty thing to do. (On top of the shitty thing I've already done.) I'm probably just trying to get out of doing the decent thing and coming clean but is honesty here the best policy here? I will never, ever do something like this again. The shame and regret I feel is making me want to go jump in front of a bus and I will have to live with the memory of this terrible thing I've done for the rest of my life and I'm not sure how I could cope if I lost my girlfriend on top it too. Can I just find some way to deal with this in my head and attempt to move on while maintaining my relationship?

I feel like the decent thing to do is to tell my girlfriend and deal with the consequences but, as I've already shown, I'm a shitty weak person and I'm not sure I can do that. The choice between doing that and jumping in front of that bus isn't very clear.

Intolerable Screw Up Covertly Kisses

Oh, for fuck's sake. All you did was kiss someone, ISUCK. Yeah, yeah: it was someone you shouldn't have kissed, for sure, but you were drunk and understandably feeling a little sex-and-attention-and-affection-starved and it was just a fucking kiss. For years mainstream advice columnists (Abby, Amy, Prudie, et al) have been telling married people who've had affairs—drunken one-night stands they sincerely regretted—to keep their fucking mouths shut. And all you did was make out with this woman! So long as you regret it, so long as you don't intend to do it again, there's no need to disclose this fleeting/tonguing indiscretion to your girlfriend. Keep your fucking mouth shut.

And there's no need to be such a drama queen about it. Calm the fuck down, dude.

And yeah, ISUCK, you do need to have a conversation with your girlfriend about your non-existent sex life. That conversation is long overdue. You'll either learn your girlfriend is just as unhappy about your sex life as you are, ISUCK, or sex isn't that important to her anymore. If it's the former, you can work on that together. If it's the latter, you can ask for permission to seek sex outside the relationship. And her answer is no, if she's not unhappy with how little sex you're having (if you're having any at all; it's unclear) and she's unwilling to give you the okay to seek a little positive sexual attention elsewhere, well, then maybe you should tell her about that make out session. The disclosure might shock her libido back into gear—some couples break up in the wake of an affair while others reconnect—or she might do you a favor and end this relationship, ISUCK, leaving you free to guiltlessly pursue your old flame.


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Listen to my podcast, the Savage Lovecast, at www.savagelovecast.com.

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