Thanks, that will be $68,120.
"Thanks, that will be $68,120." Ridofranz/Getty Images

Someone please buy Paul Allen's boat: And by boat I mean "megayacht." It's only $325 million. Come on, you coward, pony up and buy the 414-foot megayacht. It's called the Octopus. It only costs four times as much as the Portland Trail Blazers cost the late tech billionaire when he bought them in 1988, according to the Seattle PI.

That lightning storm on Saturday probably won't happen again: The weather event was "highly unusual" and won't be gracing our skies again anytime soon. The Puget Sound region was hit with a deluge of rain, thunder, and more than 2,200 lightning strikes in five hours—440 of them per hour. Much to my delight, it delayed the football game I was begrudgingly at a watch-party for. We all gathered on the porch to watch the sky instead of football, and I wish that could be the standard from now on.

As for the rest of the week: The weather will be "cool and unsettled." That was my senior superlative in high school.

Did you miss me? Hi, just quickly popping in to say I'm back from vacation. Which you knew since you're reading the words I'm writing. Overkill. Anyway, I just wanted to say hi. I missed you dearly, of course. Though I haven't read the news in about a week so, I'm really jumping headfirst into this. Did anything crazy happen? Ha, just kidding. The news cycle is slow and never overwhelming, everyone knows that. Okay, happy reading, happy Monday.

The kids aren't getting outside: King County kids aren't getting the recommended hour of physical activity a day that they should be. The reasons are less fun than "kids love Fortnite more than sports." While King County kids, in general, aren't getting enough playtime, the numbers are even lower for kids from less affluent families and non-native English speakers. There are many contributing factors but a big one is lack of access that's facilitated by a lack of green space and transit routes to green space.

The most expensive beer in history: An Australian newspaper editor had a beer in England. He didn't have his glasses on when he signed the check, so it came as a bit of a shock later when his wife called and asked what the fuck he had spent $68,120 on. It was the beer. The bar staff had made a mistake when entering his total.

Shoreline Christian school gets antigay: Five teachers are no longer working at King's High School after the school and its parent organization, CRISTA Ministries, spouted anti-LGBTQ+ rhetoric about how marriage is only real if it's heterosexual.

The Bahamas are reeling from Hurricane Dorian: Last week, Hurricane Dorian, a category 5, wreaked havoc on the Bahamas for two days. It left 44 people dead, 70,000 homeless, an undetermined amount of missing people, and a flattened country in its wake. To make matters worse, some evacuees aren't able to make it to the United States because of our government. People without visas were told to get off a ferry transporting evacuees to Florida despite previous assertations that they would be allowed entry. About 130 people had to get off the boat according to reports:

Trump's Taliban talks crumble: The plan was to cement President Donald Trump's legacy by making a peace plan with the Taliban. Negotiations were set to take place with Taliban leaders at Camp David this weekend, you know, the weekend preceding the anniversary of 9/11 which caused 18 years of war. But Trump announced that the talks weren't taking place— a failure that "could lead to a surge of violence before elections in Afghanistan this month," according to the New York Times.

Meanwhile, Trump is tweeting about MSNBC: John Legend took part in a town hall about criminal justice reform. It seems he had quite the audience. Trump got upset because Legend didn't give him any credit. So he took to Twitter to disparage Legend and his wife, Chrissy Teigen.

Teigen is fighting back: She's gotten the hashtag "President Pussy Ass Bitch" trending.

Do yourself a favor and read this profile of Tina Turner: She's retired and loving it. Also, she likes that Chainsmokers song that features Coldplay.

Protect the guns!: This girl came home from college to surprise her mom. Her mom thought she was an intruder. The girl's elbow was broken in three places because her mom shot her.

Pennsylvania couple splurge after coming into some money unexpectedly: They bought a camper, a Chevy, and a race car after an extra $120,000 appeared in their bank account that had an existing amount of $1,121 in it. It was a mix-up with their bank. The couple spent around $100,000 in two weeks, which was unfortunate when the bank contacted them and asked them to repay the money. They're facing three felony charges for theft and receiving stolen property.

Your best Seattle entertainment options include: A release party for Margaret Atwood's long-awaited Handmaid's Tale sequel The Testaments, a chance to glean absurd scienctific advice from comic artist Randall Munroe, and a show with melodious new wave/pub rock band Squeeze.