Who will out-gay Mayor Pete?! Stay tuned.
Who will out-gay Mayor Pete?! Stay tuned. Spencer Platt/Getty

On Wednesday, CNN announced a follow-up to the first-of-its-kind seven-hour climate crisis town hall, which took place earlier in September. This one will be about the only issue more important than saving the planet: LGBTQ rights.

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The event, which is sponsored by the Human Rights Campaign (and which is not technically a debate, but a town hall), will take place on October 10 and will air live on CNN from 7 PM to 11:30 PM Eastern. I'm a little insulted that they only designated four and a half hours to an issue that impacts an estimated 4 percent of the population plus every member of Gen Z, but I suppose we'll take what little crumbs we can get. SIGH.

Participating candidates include Tom Steyer (he's still in this?), Cory Booker (who spoke eloquently about murder rates among trans people of color at a previous debate), Joe Biden, Kamala Harris, Elizabeth Warren, Pete Buttigieg, Beto O'Rourke, and Julián Castro. Bernie Sanders and Andrew Yang declined to participate, citing "scheduling conflicts" (okay bigots).

I've have not, for some reason (lesbophobia), been invited to join the town hall as a moderator, but, as a representative of the most important demographic in America, here is what I would ask:

• Top or bottom?
• Who killed Jenny?
• What does the Q stand for?
• Do cops belong at Pride?
• Gay as in "happy" or queer as in "fuck you"?
• BenDeLaCreme or Shangela?
• Mayor Pete: Gay enough?
• Are you now or have you ever been in a member of the Seattle Queer Exchange?
• Do aces count?
• Who threw the first brick?

In all seriousness, while I do appreciate the Democrats pandering to my people, this is a massive waste of time, and fodder for Republican ads against us. Sure, LGBTQ people still face discrimination, both socially and in some state and federal laws, as well as higher rates of teen homelessness and violence, and those are real issues. Nevertheless, there is going to be about as much daylight between the Democratic candidates' positions on these issues as there is inside an anal cavity. There really are issues that impact everyone in this country that they could be talking about instead (for instance, what are we going to do about job automation, and health care, and the final season of Games of Thrones?) but this? This ain't it.

When people started talking about having a debate strictly on climate change, I thought it was a good idea. Others argued that once you open the single-issue-debate can of worms, you're going to have to do one for everything. Turns out, they were right. But I am looking forward to seeing which candidates take this opportunity to come out as having once had a gay hookup in college. My money is on Beto O'Rourke.