What would Mike Pence ban first?
What would Mike Pence ban first? Win McNamee/Getty Images

While Donald Trump is busy throwing temper tantrums on Twitter and his friends over at State TV Fox News are doing everything possible to distract the public from the President's attempt to coerce a foreign leader into meddling in American elections (and the cover-up of it), Mike Pence is, as a recent New York Times headline proclaimed, "inscrutable" as ever. The man is so hard to read, it looks like his face is made out of Botox.

What is going on in Mike Pence's brain right now? I think it's safe to assume that he's stressed. Trump has already tried to throw Pence to the media hound dogs on Wednesday, telling reporters that the phone calls they should be looking are Mike Pence's.

Trump is the kind of guy who demands absolute loyalty from everyone around him and then will turn on you for wearing the wrong color socks. He's like Logan Roy but kind of stupid and with worse kids. But still, Pence definitely appears to be involved in the drama. According to the Wall Street Journal, Pence urged Donald Trump not to release the partial transcript of his phone called with Ukrainian President Volodymyr Zelensky. Trump, of course, did it anyway, and then, on Friday, Pence told the Fox Business Network that Trump "did nothing wrong."

Okay! So here's what appears to have happened: Pence urged Trump not to release the "transcript," probably because it looks fucking bad. And then, when Trump did release it, Pence claimed that the phone call was totally fine. Please forgive me for using the buzzword du jour, but Mike Pence is gaslighting America.

We all know that if Barack Obama or Hillary Clinton or anyone with a D after their name had that exact conversation with a foreign leader, Republicans would already have their impeachment outfits picked out. But, of course, Pence has good reason to defend the President—besides the fact that Trump will definitely give the dude a swirly in his gold-plated toilet if he steps out of line, Pence may be implicated himself. The whisteblower's complaint, which was made public on Thursday, alleged that Trump told Pence to cancel his (Pence's) trip to Zelensky’s inauguration in May, which some Democrats, including Maxine Waters, are claiming was a means of pressuring Zelensky to do his bidding—or else. When asked about this on a trip to Indiana on Friday, Pence, naturally, did not respond.

Now, I have very little faith that any kind of impeachment hearings will actually remove Trump from office. Mitch McConnell managed to stonewall every attempt Barack Obama made to pass legislation, not to mention his outright refusal to hold hearings on Obama Supreme Court nominee Merrick Garland. The dude's ability to subvert the democratic process is legion. There is no fucking way he's going to allow the Senate to convict Trump, much less remove him from office.

But let's just say, hypothetically, that the Dems actually manage to get rid of Trump before the 2020 election. Can you imagine it?? Donald Trump stuffing his pockets with George Washington's wooden teeth and whatever pieces of silver he can get ahold of and slinking his way out of the Oval Office and back to Mar-a-Lago or Myrtle Beach or wherever they'll still have him. Or, even better, jail! We'll be free... for approximately three minutes until we remember who the fuck Mike Pence actually is. Start hoarding your Plan B, people! Because, unlike Donald Trump, Mike Pence won't let his personal problems distract him from the task at hand: Making America Gilead again.

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So, here is the question: What will President Pence ban first? Legal weed? Gay marriage? Nonbinary pronouns? Or maybe it'll be co-ed softball teams and pansexual furry orgies. Whatever it is, if Trump doesn't bring Pence down with him, this impeachment thing could mean the nightmare is just getting started.

Of course, if you're an optimist (for some reason), soothe yourself to sleep with the knowledge if Trump brings Pence down with him, this will be our next Madame President....

Nancy Pelosi.
Nancy Pelosi. Zach Gibson/Getty Images