Do I have a duty to disclose to my wife that a guy licked my balls?

My wife and I have twice indulged our fantasy of having MFM threesomes. These two encounters are the only activities we’ve done outside our otherwise monogamous relationship. We advertised for straight men to respond.
The first encounter went well enough. We tried many of the positions we’ve watched in porn and talked about trying and fantasized about in dirty talk during our love making. The guy was nice enough, but after we were done we realized that we may have put to much thought into it and had perhaps been to prepared. The encounter came off a bit scripted and non-spontaneous.

For the second encounter my wife wanted a hung guy. We advertised for that and picked a guy in town on business and met him at his hotel. He was indeed hung, and very, very thick. We were clear with the guy that I was straight and that we wanted a straight guy. I did disclose to him that part of my wife's fantasy was to have her clit licked while the other guy was fucking her. I described the position and how it would happen (I’d be the licker and him the fucker) and assured him there would be no "M to M" contact.

Near the beginning of our encounter I was behind my wife doggy style while she gave him head. He crawled underneath and got into a 69 position with her which I thought was pretty gung ho of him to do some clit licking while I was fucking her. Soon it became apparent that the feeling I had of his tongue on my balls was more than incidental. It kind of took me out of the moment as I was thinking, "This guy’s not licking her clit, he’s licking my balls.” It didn’t last long because I pulled out and we got into another position. At no other time did he attempt to have other than incidental contact with me. Later in the encounter we got into the position I described to him and I licked her clit while he fucked her and there was not even incidental contact between his balls and my tongue.

Question 1: Do I have a duty to disclose to my wife that I think this guy was licking my balls? I don’t know what good would come of it and I don’t want to cause drama where none exists. I’m not traumatized by the fact myself. I didn’t like it, but I’ve got no problems with the fact that it happened. My wife may have a problem with it. Should I tell her or not?

Question 2: By disclosing my wife’s fantasy of being licked and fucked at the same time, did I implicitly consent to have my balls licked by this guy? Does that come with the territory and is it something we should expect if we do this again in the future?

Balls Already Licked Last Summer

Before I respond to Question 1 and Question 2, BALLS, there's something I just gotta say: I've received tens of thousands of letters over the years—hundreds of thousands—but your opening sentence is the best opening sentence ever. "Do I have a duty to disclose to my wife that a guy licked my balls?" How could I not read the rest of your letter? How could I not use your letter as the SLLOTD? Well done, BALLS, well done.

Question 1: I don't think you have a duty to disclose, BALLS, particularly as you don't have a problem with it and you worry the wife may. That said, however, I think you should disclose. The ball licking was something that happened to you; it wasn't something that you asked for or initiated. Your wife—even if she's upset about the ball-licking incident—should be able to recognize that you were the victim here. Your balls were brutally tongue-bashed by this dude. However upset the wife is about your balls, BALLS, she shouldn't be angry with you.

And I'm thinking there's a good chance your wife won't be angry, BALLS. A woman who wants to be fucked by one man while another man licks her clit is, at the very least, comfortable with idea of two sexually aroused males in close proximity to each other. Some incidental male-on-male contact—whether intentional or not (perhaps he didn't realize he was licking your balls?)—would be hard to avoid if one man's dick is going to be in her vagina while another man's tongue is licking her clit.

As a general rule, BALLS, "otherwise monogamous" partners have a duty to check in with each other before, during, and after the odd threesome. Both partners should be free to share what worked, what didn't, and what will need to be done differently if there's gonna be a next time. You should want to know if something happened during a threesome that made your wife uncomfortable, BALLS, because then you can control for it next time. She should want to know what did and didn't work for you for the same reason.

Question 2: Don't blame yourself, BALLS.

You were clear with this guy about seeking a straight dude for this MFM threesome and you "assured him there would be no 'M to M' contact." It's possible that he misunderstood you, BALLS. (I'm being generous here.) He may have assumed that you were offering him that assurance—no "M to M" was expected of him—to set him, a straight guy, at ease about your expectations. But informing a third that you don't expect any contact with him is not the same as telling him that you neither desire nor welcome any contact. So the ball licking may have been his way of saying, "Hey, I'm fine with a little 'M to M' contact, just so you know." Not the best way to say it, of course; he should've used his words, not his tongue.

And that your third was fine with a little M to M contact in the context of a MFM threesome doesn't mean he's actually bisexual or gay and lied to you about being straight. Some straight guys are secure enough in their sexualities to indulge in a little "M to M" during a MFM threesome.

If this is something you don't want to go through again, BALLS, be more explicitly explicit with your future thirds during negotiations: "We're looking for a straight guy—I'm not bi, not at all, and I'm not interested in any direct sexual contact with you. One time when we did this with someone else the guy licked my balls for a second. I wasn't traumatized or anything, and it didn't bring the evening to a halt, but we're really not interested in anything like that happening again."

Originally published November 10, 2010.


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