I'm an old guy, fast approaching geezerdom. After 45 years of marriage to the same woman, the sex has fallen to zero. We otherwise have a great relationship. If I want any at all these days, the only options are masturbation or professionals. I was very nervous the first time I paid for sex. Surprisingly, considering my Christian upbringing, I didn't feel guilty. Now as geezerdom takes full hold, all I think about is pussy, and paid sex has become a regular thing. You stress honesty and communication for a long-term relationship to work. In our case, honesty would mean the end to what is now a great friendship that provides us both with deeply satisfying companionship. I don't want to hurt her, but revealing my outside activities would certainly do so, as she thinks men using prostitutes is disgusting. Any comments from a young gay guy?

Sin Or Salvation

There aren't any young gay guys around at the moment, SOS, so you'll have to settle for my lousy advice...

Honesty and communication are important, SOS, but there are limits. No long-term relationship would survive depositions taken under oath, regularly scheduled lie detector tests, truth serums disguised as artificial coffee creamers, etc. Knowing what to omit and avoid—identifying here-there-be-monsters spots on the map and sailing around those topics/incidents/persons—is just as important as honesty and communication. And married people, even long-married people, get to have their own inner lives, a few secrets they take to the grave, and some zones of privacy and autonomy.

But there are limits to privacy, autonomy, and topic/subject/honesty avoidance as well. If your inner life amounts to a double life, that's a problem. If your secrets place your spouse at risk of grave physical or emotional harm, that's a problem. If your zones of privacy and autonomy grow so large that your spouse doesn't know who you are anymore, that's a problem.

But I don't think what you're doing is necessarily a problem, SOS. If your wife is really and truly content—if she isn't interested in sex anymore, if you're not cheating her out of anything she values, if you're not taking risks with her health, if you're not depleting your retirement savings to finance your activities—then your visits to sex workers are covered by my standard advice to people in sexless but otherwise solid, loving, and fulfilling marriages: Do what you gotta do to stay sane and stay married.

You sound like a decent and loving husband, SOS. To make sure you're also a polite and courteous client—for advice on communication, personal hygiene, tipping, and avoiding women who have been trafficked—check out the sex-worker panel we convened for a recent Savage Lovecast. Go to savagelovecast.com and listen to Episode 387.

Originally published April 9, 2014.


Listen to my podcast, the Savage Lovecast, at www.savagelovecast.com.

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