My older brother came out to me last week. I had always had my suspicions about his sexuality however when I stopped by his condo unannounced to drop something off, I found out that his roommate was actually his fiancé and that they had been together for four years. My siblings and I come from a very religious background, Extremely religious. And he never told me because he thought I cut him out of my life. I told him that I loved him, he would always be apart of my life no matter who he loved and I was so sorry if I ever made him feel bad about who he is and that I support him 100%.

He is depressed because he has accomplished so much and he can't share it with our parents because he thinks it will kill them and bring them shame. My siblings and I stand behind him and support him 100%. I think that he should tell my parents so he doesn't feel like he is living a lie. He has wants to get married and start a family with his absolutely wonderful partner, but he wont do it because he is embarrassed for my parents and feel that they will no longer support him the way he would be is he was straight.

I want to support and love my brother. He has faced so much these past four years it just breaks my heart that I never knew how absolutely hateful people could be. Do I encourage him to be tell my parents and risk rejection, or encourage him to not to tell my parents? Thank you for your time.

Seeking Insight Sincerely

Relay this to your brother from me: Dude, you're rejecting your parents because you fear they MIGHT reject you. Because you worry they'll cut you out of their lives you're slowly but surely cutting them out of yours—just as you were cutting your sister out of your life until the fateful day when she dropped by your condo unannounced and discovered your "roommate" doing something only a fiancé would do. (Hmm.)

Let's say you come out to parents and they reject you. Then you're not in a different place than you are right now. But what if they have a better reaction than you expect? What if they're better people than you're giving them credit for? Even if they have a bad reaction at first, what if they come around? You can't rule out that possibility, particularly with your siblings on your side—you know, the siblings you assumed wouldn't be on your side? Those siblings? Like the one who wrote me an email?

You were wrong about your sister. Maybe you're wrong about your parents. Give 'em a chance. Also... like I tell all the gay kids out there... don't fear your parents' rejection... make them fear yours.— Dan

I had the above email exchange with SIS a little more than four years ago. This morning she emailed me an update...

I wrote to you a while ago about my brother. After many ups and downs my brother was actually forced to come out after an ex of his threatened to tell my parents. My parents were shocked and a little sad but the first thing they told him was we love you and that will never change and no matter who you love we will love them too. The thing they said they were most sad about is that they didn't know for all these years. My mom and dad have welcomed his boyfriend into the family. (He and his fiancé broke up, the BF is newer.) On his BF's birthday they threw him a party. My mom invites them over every week for dinner and they were both invited over this Thanksgiving but because his BF is working she's hosting a second Thanksgiving dinner for him and my brother. Thank you, Dan! Love really does win out in the end! Have a great Thanksgiving! — SIS

It's too bad SIS's brother didn't take my advice four years ago! Because, what do you know, I was right about SIS's parents: they were better people than SIS's brother thought they were.

In fairness to SIS's brother, his assumptions about his parents were reasonable—if your parents raise you in a deeply homophobic faith tradition it's reasonable to assume your parents are homophobes—even if his terror at the thought of their rejection (once he was an adult) was not. Being forced out of the closet by accident (your sister dropping by at the wrong moment) or by asshole (a vengeful ex threatening to out you) isn't ideal, of course, and outing is a brutal tactic that should be reserved for brutes, etc., but sometimes we need circumstances/external forces/malicious assholes to force us to do what we can't quite brings ourselves to do.