I am 100% certain the president takes dumps with the seat up.
I am 100% certain the president takes dumps with the seat up. Lester Black

Bathroom news: The President claims "people" are flushing toilets "10 times, fifteen times" due to low-flow toilets, and so he ordered "a federal review of water efficiency standards in bathroom fixtures," according to Bloomberg. Since his only frame of reference is himself, Twitter quickly picked up on the fact that Trump was essentially admitting that he takes massive dumps and has to flush a million times. If anyone at Metamucil is reading this, please send a lifetime supply of fiber pills to 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue. The future of the country depends on decreasing the amount of time this president has to Tweet from the can.

Trump won't defend himself against impeachment: The President's refusal to constipate the process clears the pipes for a vote in December, which aligns with the goals of the Democrats and Republicans, reports the New York Times.

The Republicans are going to make the Senate trial all about the Bidens: That's the strategy, according to the New York Times. But remember: "There is no evidence that the elder Mr. Biden, while serving as vice president, improperly intervened in Ukraine to benefit his son." There is, however, evidence of Biden doing the exact opposite thing.

Three dead and eight injured in Florida shooting: The suspect, a member of the Saudi Air Force, was killed, says The New York Times. The FBI is still looking for a motive.

Happy Climate Strike Friday: Sunrise Movement kids sat outside the Governor's office for hours to draw attention to the need for a Green New Deal.

Two women become first muslims to hold office in Washington: After her opponent in the Redmond City Council race conceded ahead of an automatic recount, Varisha Khan became one of the first Muslim women elected to office in the state of Washington, according to the Seattle Times. The other one was Zahra Roach, who won a city council seat in Pasco City this year. Unbelievable.

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Stabbing in the CD: "The victim used a rake to fend off the man, and then went into his home and called police around 1 p.m.," reports the Seattle Times. Been a big week for long poles.

Wanna talk to Pete Buttigieg when he stops by Seattle next week? You'll have to open your wallet. The South Bend Mayor has yet to make a truly public appearance in this state.

Sorry PM is so short today: I spent the day editing random shit Frizzelle threw at me, teaching a class at Seattle Central, and working on a five-part series about rent control, which you'll all get to read next week!