Bi cis lady here. Been with my husband for ten years. He's fit, caring, smart, funny, etc. For the first year we were together he was open to exploring my (very low-key) kinks, but since then it's been only short sessions of vanilla sex with me never coming. I tried to be vocal, tell him explicitly what I wanted, move his hands during sex, bought toys, etc., but he had zero interest. We got into the swinging scene since that's his kink (not mine, it makes me mildly uncomfortable), but even then I only came with other people.

I think I got conditioned to physically expect not to come with him. It got to the point where sex was just a thing I did to keep him happy, and I couldn't wait until it was over. I have zero desire to sleep with him after years of unsatisfying sex, even though I still objectively think he's hot and I love him. I thought I would basically go without coming and do the wifely duties because everything else was so good. Then I met another girl and had this crazy amazing sex—a one-night-stand-style experience—and I told my husband I was leaving unless he stepped up. And he has. He's been trying like he never has before. The problem is I still have a sense of apathy about sleeping with him. He doesn't know this and is super excited to explore my kinks now, which makes me confused cause it's something I wanted before but I now dread the whole thing.

I don't want to leave my husband, and I would like to rekindle the desire. Is this a therapy thing? A meditation thing? Something where I just power through the first bit and maybe my body reconditions? Any guidance would be helpful!

Don't Enjoy Sex In Relationship Ever

The sex you had with that other woman—and the orgasms you had with her—had to be way better than any of the sex (and orgasms) you've had at those swinging events you attended under mild duress, tainted as they were by their association with your inattentive, inconsiderate, and incredibly selfish husband. You left that encounter unwilling to continue settling for sex with a man who doesn't make you come and doesn't care you aren't coming and/or mildly pleasurable sex at swingers clubs/parties you attended to please a man who doesn't make you come and doesn't care that you aren't coming.

Let's hear it for the one-night-stand who inspired to tell your husband you were going to leave him if things didn't change. If he didn't change. I only wish you'd told him that sooner, DEISRE, maybe six months or year (tops!) after your sex life went from mutually pleasurable to lazy, quick, and all about his dick. I'm sure you also wish you'd threatened divorce sooner, DESIRE, because it appears your husband, when properly motivated (when threatened with divorce!), is capable of change.

What's yet to be determined is whether he's capable of sustained change. And there's only one way to find out: keep fucking your husband. And seeing as you don't want to leave him and still think he's hot and still love him, I don't feel bad about telling you to keep fucking him—for now.

Zooming out for a second...

I'm not surprised you still feel apathetic about fucking your husband. He took you for granted for nine years and his inattentiveness, inconsideration, etc., carved a deep groove in your libido, turning sex (at least with your husband) into a grim chore. And as much as you may like him, however lovable he is outside the bedroom, it's going to take some time before sex with your husband—even when he's making an effort to meet your needs and get you off—stops feeling like a grim chore.

It's difficult to trust your husband and it's not hard to see why that's the case. You had a decent sex life the first year you were married—he was attentive to your needs, kinks, pleasure—and then pfft. Once he had you, once you were committed to him, he couldn't be bothered. And now, consciously or subconsciously, you're worried the same could happen again. Once he thinks he "has" you—once he realizes (or assumes) you aren't going to leave him, once he no longer perceives this other woman as a threat—you worry he'll revert to form. And that's a perfectly rational concern, DESIRE, but it's one that can only be laid to rest by the passage of time and the fucking of husband. If he stops giving a shit, leave him. If he keeps giving a shit, your desire for him may return.

Speaking personally, DESIRE, I would've left this guy eight years and six months ago. But you say you love this guy and don't want to leave him. That means you'll have to give him a chance to prove he's a new man. I'd suggest you give it 12-24 months (tops!). For nine years you went through the motions of having sex you weren't interested in. If you don't want to divorce this guy, well, going through the motions but having sex you might come to enjoy once he's earned back your trust—once enough time has passed for it to be clear he has really changed—seems like a reasonable investment.

And yes to couples therapy!