I’m a 31-year-old gay man, writing to you about my six-year relationship with a guy five years my junior. I’m struggling with a few issues, especially revolving around the opening of our relationship.

When I first met my boyfriend, I was still in the party-boy phase of my twenties. I had only months prior gotten out of an abusive relationship with an addict. To say that I was not ready for a relationship at the time I met my current boyfriend is an understatement. He was still in college and I wanted to give him the space to explore and grow. I wanted an open relationship (if one at all); he wanted a monogamous relationship with me. That led to an on-and-off-again start to the relationship. Eventually, both our attitudes evolved and by the time he graduated college we were in a committed monogamish relationship. We enjoy each other and the sex is great! We bring in special guest stars every now and then, and go to the occasional sex party. We talk about marriage and plans for the future. Happily ever after, right?

Well, fast-forward to this past year. We both got on PrEP, originally to have an extra layer of protection. But my boyfriend has really taken it as a "ticket to ride" lots of dick and he’s been pretty aggressively wanting to open things up further. So we established ground rules we are both happy with. But he keeps breaking them. A few months ago, he got very jealous with some of my Grindr/Scruff conversations and made me delete the apps. It’s funny because I never met any of the guys and actually have never played alone this whole time—only with him. That’s fine, I don’t really care, but it feels to me like a bit of a double-standard. Then, this last week, he got mad at me and went to a sex party AND a bathhouse without telling me and was so drunk that he doesn’t remember whether or not he or his partners used condoms. That breaks three of our rules: (1) disclosure and mutual agreement before, (2) not having sex with others when angry as a way to “get back” at each other, and (3) always using protection.

Now part of me is seeing this as some sort of cry for help. I want to be supportive and a good boyfriend. We’ve had a long discussion. He is very sorry. He says he is depressed. He is going to start going to therapy and stop drinking for a while. I feel hurt, but I forgive him. Problem solved? But I can't help wondering if this is the time to sadly acknowledge that we are in different places in our life now and that this relationship is slowly ending. I’m going to law school this fall. As I look ahead, I wonder if I need to make myself a priority and just not be in a relationship for a while. I love my boyfriend, so I’m not looking for permission to end things. I just need some of your no-nonsense advice.

Perfect Relationship Evidencing Problems

Your boyfriend didn't break the rules once, PREP, your boyfriend—and I'm quoting you here—keeps breaking the rules. The recent night of drunken-and-most-likely-condomless fucking in a sex club and then a bathhouse, which is just a sex club with a hot tub no sane person would get in, is only the most recent example of rule breaking.

You can see all this rule breaking as a cry for help that obligates you to stick it out and maybe delay your plans to go to law school so you can focus all of your attentions on your out-of-control/not-always-in-control boyfriend... or you can see it as a cry for help that doesn't obligate you to stay in this relationship. It's also possible the rule breaking isn't not a cry for help at all, PREP, but a sign your boyfriend wants out. He might want or need to be single at this stage of his life but he lacks the courage to end the relationship himself and/or the self-awareness to know that ending the relationship is what he wants. So he breaks the rules and essentially sabotages the relationship in the hopes—conscious or subconscious—that you'll end it.

I guess it's gonna be one of those weeks where I pass out permission slips to people who need to end their relationships. I thought yesterday's LW needed to dump her boyfriend, PREP, and I think you need to dump yours too. Ending it doesn't mean you can't still be supportive; you don't have to blow it up or burn it down or trash talk him to your mutual friends. You can end things calmly and lovingly, PREP, and you can still offer your boyfriend your support even when after it's over. There are lots of people out there with supportive exes in their lives. And the sooner you end it with your boyfriend—the less time you give him to piss you off by breaking the rules—the likelier he is to have an supportive ex (that would be you) in his corner.