It's the classic millennial sex pickle. You know the one: a woman enjoys dick and yet is repelled by heterosexuality. What to do, what to do?
This scenario comes compliments of the Slate sex and relationship advice column "How to Do It," which is written by Gawker alum Rich Juzwiak. I'm not a regular reader of advice columns (with, of course, one exception) but this particular letter writer's conundrum was so odd that it made the rounds on Twitter, where, as much as I wanted to, I couldn't miss it.
Behold, the letter of the decade in its entirety:
Dear How to Do It,
I’m a cis woman in kind of a classic millennial sex pickle: I’m really repelled by heterosexuality politically and personally, but I’m also really into dick. I’ve been thinking maybe I should look for bi dudes/ bicurious gay dudes, but I am not sure how best to do that. Rich, what would you think of a woman being on Grindr or Scruff? I do want to be respectful of gay men’s spaces and not horn in where I’m not welcome, but I really would love to find a vers guy with queer politics who would be up for casually dating a woman. What do you think? If you were me, where would you look?
Juzwiak didn't give the obvious answer here and tell her to get the fuck off his apps. His advice was actually rather bland: Do it if you want, but be polite.
"If you enter a space as someone who is not a member of the demographic for which said space was established, you should behave yourself," Juzwiak wrote. "Don’t try to make something that has been designed to be not about you about you. The world is not your bachelorette party. So if you must go the route of using digital spaces dominated by men seeking men, as a cis woman with (no offense?) ostensibly hetero desires, don’t bother people. Let them come to you."
Besides the obvious flaws in this woman's plan to join a gay hookup app to find a boyfriend, the letter reads like a parody of the insufferably woke, self-loathing heterosexual—something the creator of Titania McGrath would write to own the libs. Assuming, however, that this self-loathing heterosexual woman actually exists, she doesn't specify what, exactly, it is about "heterosexuality politically" (whatever that is) that she finds so repellent. Perhaps it's the mandatory sex roles: Everyone knows the only way for women to get out of missionary position and washing the dishes is to either go gay or date a bi man. That's it. There's no other possibility.
But to get serious for a moment: I'm curious about why this woman thinks bisexual or bicurious dudes are somehow inherently better than straight men. Does she think that there's something about men fucking men that makes them more feminist? More ethical? And, if so, has she ever met one? Or ever heard of Jeffrey Dahmer? Ironically, what this letter writer is doing is stereotyping queer men (a sin of the highest order) because queer men are actually just as complex and human and flawed as anyone else. Character is no more determined by sexuality than it is by eye color, and the men on Grindr are no less likely to be good or bad than men on Tinder or Bumble. They, are, however, more likely to be gay and to wonder why the hell she is on Grindr.
As Juzwiak pointed out, there are now plenty of vaginas on Grinder, but they are typically attached to trans men who identify as and present as men, which plenty of gay and bi men are into. But I would like for this letter-writer to imagine, for a second, that she's a lesbian on a dating app for women and all of a sudden, she comes across a dude. Would his presence on an app for women who sleep with women be acceptable?
I'll answer that for her: No. Even if he's a vers guy with queer politics stuck in a classic millennial sex pickle, he would not be welcome on Scissr, just like I doubt this letter-writer will be welcome by most of the people on Grindr. As one gay friend told me when I sent him the letter, "People will message her and be like, 'Are you lost, bitch?'"
Gay dating apps exist for a reason: That reason is mostly to sell ads, but the side-effect is that they provide spaces for queer people to be meet each other. There are dating apps where you can find bisexual men, but instead, this self-hating het wants to colonize Grindr, an app that might not seem like a very big deal in places where homosexuality is more celebrated than criminalized but actually is a big deal in other parts of the world, like the 72 countries where same-sex activity is still illegal. This shows a lack of respect for the very dicks she's trying to attract.
Now, you can argue all you want that segregation is inherently problematic and no demographic should have any space where all people aren't welcome. But then we'll have to say goodbye to women's sporting leagues and POC-only yoga classes and this will definitely mean an end to Farmers Only. So while this woman didn't ask for my advice, here's my unsolicited opinion: If you really want to be queer but can't give up the dick, find yourself a nice no-op trans woman. And if that doesn't solve this classic millennial sex pickle, there's always Tinder and Bumble.